What the hell?!?
I muttered under my breath at the sight unfolding before me.
Myself and the family had just entered Bouncy Kidz. A soft play which has recently opened up after the relaxation of the COVID rules.
I had vowed, after COVID, that I would never set foot in one of these fucking middens of despair ever again but the vagaries of being a parent had once again drawn me into their dark clutches.
Or more simply put, one of the Little Lady's bastard friends was having a birthday party here and had invited us all.
And so, we had found ourselves entering the dark arena of lost souls that was Bouncy Kidz.
Despite feeling ready for anything as I pushed open the door I had not been prepared for what I saw shuffling towards us.
It was a pig. A real live pig. A pig, that somehow, astonishingly, had been jammed into a pair of human-style dungarees with a matching baseball cap jammed on its piggy head.
It moved ever closer, somehow wobbling on two legs in a bizarre parody of a human walk. A cloven hoof-like hand was raised at me and the pig-thing opened its porky snout as if to roar a challenge.
I shifted one leg back into a relaxed fighting crouch and took a deep breath, oxygenating my muscles and raising my hands up slightly in the deadly Zo Phao stance.
Good afternoon, have you a booking with us today?
Pig-Thing's all too human voice tinkled out, crystal clear from it's mutated, slobbery vagina mouth.
What in the name of the wee man!? This thing could speak??
I drew back further still, warding an arm around my family to keep them safe.
Whether the snuffling pink monstrosity could talk or not wouldn't spare it from a quick death at my hands. Such vileness should never be suffered to live.
Excuse me sir? Do you have a booking?
The scent of uncooked bacon chokingly filled the air as Pig-Thing produced an iPad from somewhere on its piggy person and started flicking at the screen.
Yes, we have a booking. For Jemima's birthday party?
The Good Lady shouldered past me impatiently, scowling at me as she did so.
Pig-Thing tapped at its screen.
Ah yes, come on through. Just one adult though, COVID rules.
The walking sausage almost looked sorry as it glanced over it's iPad at me.
I pulled the Good Lady close and whispered in her ear.
Are you sure this will be ok? What if this pig turns rogue and attacks you or the kids?
As I spoke the kids tore past us and into the soft play proper.
Daddy-Bear, don't be so bloody rude. She's not a pig, she is just a little overweight!?
The Good Lady shook me off and headed in after the kids.
Come back and pick us up in two hours!
She called over her shoulder.
I waved goodbye then gave Pig-Thing a hard stare. Now that the Good-Lady mentioned it, she could actually be a human woman.
I'll bring some apples.
I called after the Good Lady making sure I caught the eye of Pig-Thing.
I would bring some bloody skewers as well.
I wasn't taking any chances.