When Darkness Calls

in #life10 days ago

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What the hell?!?

I muttered under my breath at the sight unfolding before me.

Myself and the family had just entered Bouncy Kidz. A soft play which has recently opened up after the relaxation of the COVID rules.

I had vowed, after COVID, that I would never set foot in one of these fucking middens of despair ever again but the vagaries of being a parent had once again drawn me into their dark clutches.

Or more simply put, one of the Little Lady's bastard friends was having a birthday party here and had invited us all.

And so, we had found ourselves entering the dark arena of lost souls that was Bouncy Kidz.

Despite feeling ready for anything as I pushed open the door I had not been prepared for what I saw shuffling towards us.

It was a pig. A real live pig. A pig, that somehow, astonishingly, had been jammed into a pair of human-style dungarees with a matching baseball cap jammed on its piggy head.

It moved ever closer, somehow wobbling on two legs in a bizarre parody of a human walk. A cloven hoof-like hand was raised at me and the pig-thing opened its porky snout as if to roar a challenge.

I shifted one leg back into a relaxed fighting crouch and took a deep breath, oxygenating my muscles and raising my hands up slightly in the deadly Zo Phao stance.

Good afternoon, have you a booking with us today?

Pig-Thing's all too human voice tinkled out, crystal clear from it's mutated, slobbery vagina mouth.

What in the name of the wee man!? This thing could speak??

I drew back further still, warding an arm around my family to keep them safe.

Whether the snuffling pink monstrosity could talk or not wouldn't spare it from a quick death at my hands. Such vileness should never be suffered to live.

Excuse me sir? Do you have a booking?

The scent of uncooked bacon chokingly filled the air as Pig-Thing produced an iPad from somewhere on its piggy person and started flicking at the screen.

Yes, we have a booking. For Jemima's birthday party?

The Good Lady shouldered past me impatiently, scowling at me as she did so.

Pig-Thing tapped at its screen.

Ah yes, come on through. Just one adult though, COVID rules.

The walking sausage almost looked sorry as it glanced over it's iPad at me.

I pulled the Good Lady close and whispered in her ear.

Are you sure this will be ok? What if this pig turns rogue and attacks you or the kids?

As I spoke the kids tore past us and into the soft play proper.

Daddy-Bear, don't be so bloody rude. She's not a pig, she is just a little overweight!?

The Good Lady shook me off and headed in after the kids.

Come back and pick us up in two hours!

She called over her shoulder.

I waved goodbye then gave Pig-Thing a hard stare. Now that the Good-Lady mentioned it, she could actually be a human woman.

I'll bring some apples.

I called after the Good Lady making sure I caught the eye of Pig-Thing.

I would bring some bloody skewers as well.

I wasn't taking any chances.

Sort:  

Zo Phao

I know this one well. Deadly indeed.

...the scent of uncooked bacon chokingly filled the air.

🤪😂

Dude, are you fucking bonkers going into one of those places? At the best of times you'd walk out with seven diseases the least of which would kill you.

And pig-lady? You know they can devour bones and all right? The mafia used to use them to get rid of bodies. How the hell does one get clearance to work with kids? Madness.

So, skewers...You bring apple sauce back also?

I assume you hit the pub or a cafe to perve whilst your kids and wife caught the black plague...A good use of time. Dodged a bullet there bro.

I am hoping to have dodged a bullet!! They are only allowing a small number in at a time and apparently it is all covid safe. Don't know how that works when you throw a bunch of snotty kids together all grubby fingers and snotters.

It was against my will!! If one of em gets covid I will burn the place down or insole in some similar retribution :0)

Pigs, deadly fuckers I know. When you get close up to them I am always amazed at their size!

!PIZZA !!!

I get to enjoy some cake and coffee in peace so for now, I'm happy!

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All that snot in one location, arse scratching and play equipment licking. Jeez man, I wouldn't get within a kilometre of it. Still kids are resilient I guess.

Thanks for the pizza.

It seems like there is no escape, just got an email from the school saying there is a case in the Little Lady's class. Fecking glad she has been off this week with a cold!!!

We'll be stuck in this loop for the next year until people don't give a fuck and then it'll be like the common cold...Or society crumbles due to financial collapse. Or the vaccine turns everyone into zombies.

I think it can only end in zombification. Only then can we be sure.

How the anti vaxxers will laugh until we hunt and eat them all!

Lol looks like COVID rules got you out from a place you didn't want to be, and a potential match-up of course. She must've been gone by the time you came back for them

It got me a get-out-of-jail-free card that's for sure! No sign when I went back too. A win win!!! :0D

I might have some bloody skewers to spare if you can't find any.

I do like em bloody. The bloodier the better. In fact I will take the sheets just for the blood. The pig can wait it's turn

!PIZZA

I think this slice of pizza has blood on it.

That's the sauce man!! Everyone knows the best pizza has blood sauce!!

I'm a vegetarian. Can I eat this bloody pizza or not?

It's vegetable blood. So I think that means you can?

Yep! Sounds like I'm having pizza for dinner!

Let the blood flow!!!!!! :0)

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What kind of parent would actually select a place like that to have a birthday party in?? Either they own it or the Pig Lady is their relative! I am amazed that they let those places open already.

Ewww, the snotty, germ-laden goobers that they carry around. You got to eat cake while they were running from the plague?

Don't forget the skewers!

I am kinda amazed that these places are allowed to be open now. Actually, not amazed, horrified! Thankfully it was quiet they said. Total shit place for a birthday party though. Whatever happened to cool parties at home!!?

Are you sure this will be ok? What if this pig turns rogue and attacks you or the kids?

The Good Lady is brave than you 😁

All of the pigs would then have to die. All of them. I would leave no pig unturned in my quest for vengeance!!

!PIZZA

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So I’m thinking baking skewers and wondering what are they supposed to do, but make your thinking slightly bigger skewers? 😆

Enjoy your apples 😝

I am thinking big skewers, like my leftover wood from the decking. Vlad the Impaler type!! For, that's a great idea for all that leftover wood!!

That's kinda big I guess XD

Lol. It is. I must figure out something to do with all that stuff. To say I over ordered is an understatement

Got enough for a stockade fence? :D

Or you could just do heads on pikes, if you have any dried heads lying around.

I think I used up all the dried heads when we went to war with number 46 and ran out of stones for the catapult!

How unfortunate. You'll just have to start the collection again :D

I shall, one head at a time. Its amazing how quick they mount up!

This is my first time reading something like this. This reads like an amalgamation of a Stephen King book and Hitchcock movie.

I approve

I think that's how I like to envisage my life, cheers!! :0)

!PIZZA

@lycango! I sent you a slice of $PIZZA on behalf of @meesterboom.

Did you know Pizzabot in Discord has a bunch of useful commands? (7/20)

I can feel how sad you were that you could not stay.

Th sacrifices that are made in the name of being a parent ! There is no end to them.

LOL ! 🐖

Oh the sacrifices cut deep. One day perhaps the children will understand...!! ;0D

At least you had 2 hours to do some day drinking and didn't have to stay..

Forever gratefuli didn't have to stay in that nonsense!!! :0D

Hahaha! I just saw a video that would go perfectly with this post!

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=251810676828361&id=100059982917154

It didn't even need the edit, just the original clip to be hilarious 😆

Lol, ouch! That plop as she hits the water. Lol! :0D

Haha, I know!Some red skin from that belly flop! 😆

Lucky she didnt burst!

Shooot, I think these guys have come up with the perfect business model. If something happens to their Bouncy shit (for example, boomy will stab one of these beautiful bouncy castles with a knife), then the children will be able to jump on pig lady. And they will not notice the difference in elasticity.

They won't! You are right. They have built in multiple redundancy to their system. Even better, is sticks run low in the kitchen they can always throw one of their staff on the Barbie!!! :0D

It gets dark in the eyes, from your black humor... please continue :D

The best humour is the dark humour... Well, to a point, lol!

The scent of uncooked bacon chokingly filled the air

She breathed bacon fumes? Is that good or bad!

She was a horror. I was unsure if I had died and gone to pig hell!

!PIZZA !! YUMMY PIZZA!

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Did you know PIZZA has a very active community Discord? (3/20)

The 'one parent rule' surely saved you from hours of boredom, as well as bacon aroma?

Worked out rather well, coffee and a cake for moi in, or rather outside a nice nearby cafe!! Sometimes things just work out :0)

Or more simply put, one of the Little Lady's bastard friends was having a birthday party here and had invited us all.

Lmao.. Was waiting for the real issue ..

What in the name of the wee man!? This thing could speak??

Hahaha

Daddy-Bear, don't be so bloody rude. She's not a pig, she is just a little overweight!?

Really????

Well nice story.. Laughed all through..

Hope they had fun without you tho

They are still in the vipers nest having all the fun. I get to sit at a cafe nearby drinking coffee though, so I cant complain!! :OD

!PIZZA

@bhoa! I sent you a slice of $PIZZA on behalf of @meesterboom.

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Good!!!

Have fun drinking your coffee

Sure will bro!!!!

!PIZZA

@bhoa! I sent you a slice of $PIZZA on behalf of @meesterboom.

Did you know Pizzabot in Discord has a bunch of useful commands? (5/20)

Ha,ha,ha,ha, ha,ha, ,It's a children's party, ha ha ha, so I guess that pig was human, well, yes because he spoke to you, ha ha, apples should be placed on the pig's head, ha ha ha, that's it custom in some countries when making a meal called suckling pig and it is very, very full of fat, the good lady has a lot of patience with you, thank God you left them there, I imagine the good lady making the face of few friends looking at you at the the birthday party

They all had a great time and I am glad I didn't have to go in and suffer it, lol!

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I will indeed, you too!!

Maybe probably getting a pizza

It's a good thing to get! ;0)