NYC Chronicle #1: The Unexpected Visitor

It was a regular Wednesday night, and after spending the evening with Nadine—my girlfriend and now fiancée—I decided to stay the night at her apartment. Exhausted and sleepy, we immediately crawled into bed and passed out.

4:00 AM: Frantic knocking on the front door jolted us from a deep sleep. Disoriented and freaked out, we turned to each other with questioning eyes. Who the hell is knocking on the door at 4am?? Being two women living in New York City, we knew it wasn't going to be a pleasant experience. The knocking persisted as Nadine slowly tip-toed toward the door. The peephole was sealed shut with old paint, preventing her from being able to see who stood on the other side. Pausing a few feet from the entrance, she answers the mystery knocker. “YEAH?” A male voice replied, in a creepy, quiet tone: “Let me in, open the door.” as he jiggled the door handle and knocked even more rapidly.

Nadine ran back to the bed in a panic and insisted that we go into the bathroom immediately—she lived in a studio so it was the only other room with a barrier. I groggily asked her who it was and she replies in a shaky tone that someone may be trying to break in to the apartment. As we stumbled into the bathroom, the bones in my legs felt like they had disintegrated and I could feel my body trembling. Nadine promptly dials 911.

911 operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Nadine: Someone’s trying to break into my apartment. Can you please send the police?

911 operator: Do you know who it is?

Nadine: No, I can’t see him at all. Please just send someone!

911 operator: Ok ma’am, do you have a description of the person?

Nadine: NO, I JUST TOLD YOU I CAN’T SEE HIM. PLEASE SEND SOMEONE NOW!

We wait anxiously as the knocking and jiggling of the door handle persists along with his audible requests for us to open the door. So many things raced through my mind. What if he busts the door down? What if he has a gun? Will he rob us? What if he attempts to rape us? What if he's not alone?? Our escape routes were pretty much non-existent. Space is a luxury in this city, so in an effort to utilize every square footage, the dresser and other pieces of furniture were placed in front of the window, blocking entry to the fire escape. Going through the bathroom window was not an option unless we wanted to plummet several stories to our death.

Me: Do you have any weapons? Like a knife or something? Anything we can use??

Nadine: I only have butter knives.

Me: What?!

Nadine: I'm a vegetarian!

As if things couldn’t have been bad enough, we didn’t even have weapons to defend ourselves. My eyes scanned the darken room in an effort to find something, ANYTHING, that we could possibly use if this intruder barged in. Suddenly, it dawned on me: the Superintendent lives in the building!

Me: Hey, doesn't your Super live in the building?? Why don't you call and ask him to come up and help us??

Nadine: Yes, great idea!!

She dials his number as both of us desperately hope for an answer. Luckily, her Super is an insomniac and picks up almost immediately. She explains the situation and asks him to come up to the apartment quickly but to be careful because we don't know if the intruder is armed. Shortly after she hangs up, the buzzer rings. It's the police! As a precaution to avoid any potential flying bullets, Nadine slowly crawls her way through the apartment until she reaches the intercom and buzzes them in. We hear foot steps coming up the stairs and suddenly, a woman's voice yells, “You've got to be fucking kidding me, put your hands behind your back!”

At this point, we're thinking Oh my God, it was some scary creep trying to break in! We waited briefly and then... a knock at the door.

Woman: NYPD! Open the door!

Nadine: I don't believe you!

Woman: Ma'am, this is the NYPD. Open the door RIGHT NOW!

Nadine unlocks her deadbolt but keeps the security chain on. As she cracks the door, three NYPD police officers line the entrance. She slides off the chain and opens the door. To her surprise, the mystery knocker is no where to be seen. Confused, Nadine peeks her head around the corner and immediately spots our handcuffed intruder against the wall.

Nadine: What the fuck, it’s a NAKED guy!

Shocked and in disbelief, I look around the corner and sure enough, I see a 20-something-year-old male, bare-ass with his hands pulled behind his back in silver cuffs.

Female Officer (to Nadine): Do you know this man?

Nadine: No! I’ve never seen him before in my life!

Naked guy: I live here!

Nadine: What!? You don’t LIVE HERE! Officer, I swear, I’ve never seen him before in my life.

Female Officer (to naked guy): What were you doing knocking on the door? And WHERE are your clothes??

Naked guy: I’m sorry, I’ve been drinking tonight and my girlfriend locked me out of my apartment. I’m a Law student at Columbia, please don’t arrest me. I’m an intern at (insert Law firm name) and I can’t have this on my record.

Female Officer: Well you should’ve thought of that before you started terrorizing these women!

The conversation is interrupted by the elevator doors opening. Out steps Nadine’s Super. He looks up and see the nude perpetrator. Trying to hold back laughter he says, “What’s going on here?” The officer asks if he recognizes the man, and he replies, “Yes, he’s a tenant in this building. He lives in the apartment below this one.” After a few more questions, the officers proceed to take the guy downstairs to file a report. The female officer nudges him toward the stairs but is met with resistance. In order to get to the stairs, he has to walk by our door again.

Female Officer (to naked guy): What’s the problem??

Naked guy: I… I don’t want to embarrass them.

Female Officer: You’ve already embarrassed them AND yourself! Now move your ass!

She pushed him toward the stairs, causing him stumble as they make their way downstairs. While we were relieved that the unexpected visitor ended up being a weapon-less naked dude, it still didn’t prevent us from losing sleep for the remainder of the night. A couple hours after the incident, Nadine’s Super called to check in and see if we were both ok. We asked for the full name of the guy and later googled him. Lo and behold, he was actually telling the truth. Not only was he a Law student at Columbia, but he also graduated at the top of his class and held a myriad of awards. How ironic.

The next day, Nadine’s Super called to inform her that the Law student requested to apologize for his behavior in person. Her reply?

“No thanks, I think I’ve seen enough.”