How ironic that I now sit in my childhood bedroom to write about the journey I have undertaken in learning to accept and honour my emotions. I grew up at a time where children where definitely expected to be seen and not heard. On top of that I also grew up in a house, where any noise was frowned upon and where you where expected to suppress how you feel. To just take what was given to you and deal with it.

If I am being honest it would have been more like to take what was forced on you and shut up about it. I grew up in a home where silence was the main rule. Where beatings where a regular occurrence, the idea of ever talking to anyone about what was happening never entered my mind. No one in my family ever spoke about their feelings, not with one another anyhow. I just accepted that this was how things were and that I had no other choice. This was my life, this was my family. Me and my older sister were quiet as mouses, too scared to be loud and boisterous like other children.We got through that part of our lives because of our innocence, we really knew nothing else.

Fear was a constant companion of mine growing up. It was the emotion I remember the most experiencing. It was ultimately what kept me silent. It was when I began to realize, that this did not happen in every other home, that other emotions started to rise to the surface. Emotions, that I just did not know what to do with. So I pushed down the anger and the pain and confusion and really went into my shell even more. For the last few years living at home with my family I would not speak to either of my parents. Their idea of trying to help out was getting a priest to seem me. That did not help at all. Looking back I really don't know how why they thought a priest could help, but I guess they were the most respected figures in communities and the church did like to preach about how they were able to help everyone. But having an stern old man in a black uniform try and get to the root of my problems, just added to them. Because why would I trust a man, why would I break my silence with any man.

Silence is such a powerful oppressor. It really has been successful in allowing abuse to continue. Nothing gets discussed, nothing gets acknowledged, it allows only more suffering. I have spend a long part of my life ignoring some of my emotions, finding ways to keep them pushed down. I worked in mental health for a while, because I wanted to help other people, but honestly it was me finding ways to help myself. I needed to find ways to deal with all these feelings that where in my life. I so badly wanted to feel, to feel 'normal' and not anger and frustrated and annoyed with myself. On the one hand I was scared of what I would feel once I did allow all these emotions out, once I broke down this huge wall I had built around myself.

The most powerful thing for me was breaking my silence, was talking about what had happened to me.

Keeping this inside of me was not healthy, it was eating away at me. My life was not flowing, I was just going round and round in circles, convincing myself that I was progressing. But we have to acknowledge everything that we have gone through, the good and the bad. We have to make peace with it. So yes I had a pretty shitty upbringing, it was very shit at times and it had a huge impact on my life. it effected me in so many ways, I have huge trust issues and I have really struggled to allow love into my life. Growing up the only love I experienced was aggressive and painful, so subconsciously this is how I imaged all love to be. And I have found it very difficult to be open and honest with how I am feeling. Because for so long I believed no one cared.

Becoming a mother really brought home to me the importance of allowing ourselves to really feel and experience all our emotions. To allow all that comes into our lives, to teach us and then to let it flow out. To find ways to express how we are feeling. To be able to identify why we are feeling a certain way and to really acknowledge that, to honour that which makes us happy or sad or fearful. Because once we do that then we can let it go. With my own family now, especially my children I am very open about my emotions. We talk a lot about how we feel, and about why we feel it. In saying that I never force them to tell me anything, I just am very honest bout how I feel. Children are very curious and really do want to know why we do the things we do and we mostly act through our emotions, through how we are feeling. This is one way in how we can stay true to ourselves, by staying true to our emotions.

So over time I have learned to open up more, whilst still staying true to myself. I am in my day to day life a very private person, I like my space with my children. I think it is important to keep some emotions to yourself, their is a huge difference between holding in emotions and keeping them to yourself. I can still acknowledge and honour my emotions, I do not need to share them with others. It is my choice how open I am about how I feel and generally that changes. Some days I am happy to say how I am feeling other days not so much. How I feel changes a lot, because things happen in our lives that we have no control over and with those changes comes all the emotions, which allow us to process and deal with what has been happening. But talking definitely helps us in letting go, in moving forward. Talking, writing, singing, dancing, art , these are all such powerful tools of expression, expression that allows us to share our emotions with others. Which in-turn allows us to help others express themselves. It has been through poetry that I have mainly expressed my emotions down through the years, especially as a teenager.

In the last 10 years of my life I have become involved in women circles, a safe sacred space where women can openly express themselves. Where truth and honesty are expected and where what is said in the circle stays in the circle. This is perhaps the place where I have shared the most of my emotions with others. To be amongst other women who are open and trusting is so powerful, to feel held in this sense is amazing, it really allows you to feel free, free to open up and expose your true self. To lay bare all those things that have held you back but also made you stronger. For it is the holding in of emotions that holds one back.

Image Sources: 1st:https://www.indiamart.com/proddetail/feelings-and-emotions-acrylic-painting-9111631655.html 2nd:http://awarenessact.com/3-ways-to-free-yourself-from-trapped-emotions/ 3rd:http://canvas.pantone.com/ericadalmaso

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