14 People Skipped Classes Today.
I have previously talked about how much I want to study, my struggles to get there, how it affects me on a personal level and my goals. I've have also openly shared my feelings and that I've started to lose motivation and hope for various reasons. I have talked about my student loans and that I won't be eligible new loans in 2019... What I haven't done, is to share what happens in School. I figured that I'd do that with you today.
First of all, I don't even know how many students we are in total. We were a total of 32 or 33 people when I started in March. A handful of people quit during the first and/or second week. People often stays at home for various reason. Some people have sick kids, are sick or doesn't feel like going to School for other reasons. I have been in School even when I've had fever, so I don't know if that tells you more about me or them. No matter how much I've struggled with my anxiety or panic attacks... No matter how much I've wanted to stay at home instead of going... I've been there as often as I possibly can. I want to succeed.
I was late today. I was 19 minutes late and I was embarrassed and felt ashamed. I hate coming in late to class, I hate knocking on the door before walking to my seat, as all eyes is on me, and I've never felt comfortable with that. Some people comes late everyday and they seem to be fine with it, but I personally hate it.
Anyhow, I walked to my desk, sat down and grabbed all my books, my pencils, erasers, notebooks and computer. I had been there for about 2-3 minutes before I realized that people were missing. I'm not entirely sure, but I counted to 4 people. Well, 5, but one of my classmates have just recently recieved bad news, so she'll most likely quit School for personal reasons. She might come back in January again. I really hope she'll be back, because I truly like her.
Many of the others in class are dead weight, and I'm tired of being the one doing all the work. It happens every time I'm not working with Maria, so I really need to have her in class. She inspires me, guides me and she gives me strenght just by being there, and we're not even close friends or anything. I just genuinely like her as a person, and I wish her the best in life.
Class started at 09.45 and I was 19 minutes late. I was there at 10.04.
- Medicine 1.
It's really cool, but at the same time, extremely difficult. We're learning literally everything about the body. We learn the names of all our organs, both the Swedish and the Latin words, how they function and why we need them. We're learning everything from toe to head. Insideout. Blood pressure, blood types, aorta, heart. Everything. How and why our lungs work, what happens with the oxygen. You name it. We're going through everything in these classes.
So, it's easy to say that it's important to take notes, and most of all, it's important to be there. 4 people were missing today, if we don't count Maria.
We had a 20 minute long break at 11.15. When we came back at 11.35, 2 more people we're missing. Not the end of the world. I mean, people have their own reasons for being there or not. Things happen. It's nature.
25 minutes later, at 12.00, we had lunch break. I usually don't eat anything, because most people are going to a lunch restaurant and I can't really afford to eat out on a daily basis. Our next class started at 13.00.
After the break, when I got back in to class, I was practically alone. I was a few minutes early so I waited for the others. My teacher came, the person who sits next to me, and the person who sits in front of me. They showed up.
I sit in the corner, all the way to the right. Next to the window with my back close to the wall. I don't really know why I'm doing that, but it feels "safe" or something. As I suffer from mental illness and as I've had problems with being around people previously, in episodes, I guess it's some sort of "defense mechanism".
My other classmates came in, one after another... 13.09 came another person from class. 9 minutes late after the lunch break. Oh well, not my problem.
It was easy to see that more people than ever before was missing. I didn't even have to look around to see everyone in class this time. Peripheral vision was on point. 1 person next to me, on my left side. 1 more one desk in front of me. All the way on the other side of the room, two more people, close to the door. Then, there were 2 more people in the center of the room. Right in front of my teacher. - That was all of them.
Classes should've ended at 15.45, but we finished early. Our teacher saw no point in having any lectures this day, as we were such a small group of people. We left early, at 14.15 instead.
Today was worse than other days, but this is basically how it looks every single day in School... The few things we did, is something I will have to tell my classmates later, because my teacher counts on me. She relies on me. She is practically using me as a sub-teacher, without salary.
And... Even with all of this knowledge and facts, I am still the one who'll not be eligible new student loans in 2019... Meanwhile the other people in class can stay at home and still get theirs.
- Talk about a f#cked up system.
Ah if you don't mind me asking, that public discomfort you've mentioned does it come in the form of panic attacks? A sort of growing anxiety?
I ask because I used to suffer from anxiety, actually I still do, technically. I've only recently found effective means of surpressing it.
Posted using Partiko Android
I don't mind at all. I'm glad you asked!
I never had problems before I started to suffer from mental illness. In fact, I've never had problems with being in crowded areas, an overcrowded bus or whatever. Never had any issues at all. At one point, about a year after I had my very first panic attack, I couldn't go out in public anymore. I was afraid.
Afraid that I would have another attack, afraid of what others might think, and afraid that I wouldn't get any help in case I needed it. It all started one day when I was in line in a grocery shop. The store was full of people and I stood in line waiting to pay for whatever I bought... And it hit me. I couldn't breathe so I had to go out of there. It's much better nowadays though. It rarely happens, but I'm well-aware of the fact that it can happen again.
Hey, I'm not sure how I ended up here, but apparently I'm following you since this post was on my feed. I just wanted to chime in to say something comforting and supportive as I too have suffered from panic attacks and anxiety and know how debilitating it can be. But I really believe that we have control in how we want to experience the world. I know what it's like to be afraid of losing control (I also still battle with this from time to time, yet it is getting better by day because I am actively working to change my beliefs and catch and stop myself when my thoughts start to spiral.), yet I think that there is so much hope and we don't have to let those anxious thoughts rule our lives.
Not that I know any better than you do, but I just wanted to offer some support as it's kind of nice and comforting to bump into someone who has had the same kind of experience that most people do not understand.
Hm, I'm not that well read on anxiety disorders, but in my particular case it seems to be biological -- a chemical disbalance, one aspect of which was related to the acidity of the foods I ate. A change in diet helped alleviate this problem and an addition of omega 3&6 fatty acids in my daily intake seems to be holding them at bay entirely, though they begin to return if I deviate from my current regimen.
Perhaps you could consider a change in your diet to reduce the risk as well? It's the least invasive method of handling the problem. A consultation with a dietician may be in order though -- a person's unique metabolism is a finicky thing. In my case it was mostly "self medication" thanks to advice I've read on the net (regarding omega3/6) and general diet advice.from my mother.
I upvoted your post.
Keep steeming for a better tomorrow.
@Acknowledgement - God Bless
Posted using https://Steeming.com condenser site.