This is a hard story for me to write about. As I write about it I know my eyes will fill with tears from guilt.
I became pregnant in 2010. I was expecting a boy, and oh how I was happy. I truly hoped for boy. I gave birth in March 2011 to a healthy baby weighing in at 7lbs 14oz. The 32hr long labour left me weak and tired. I could barely hold him and I could barely stay awake for the people to come see us and congratulate.
This is where my story starts.
My husband, Danny, was with me the first night, the night of giving birth, and some time throughout the day. He then had to leave as his duties of being a father and husband were calling. He had to go to work.
A scary night it was. First time mother, I struggled. I had a hard time breastfeeding, hard time to do everything. I was exhausted and my body dragged along to move any bit that I could. Aade woke up crying. He was stinky, he pooped. I picked him up put him on my bed and got ready to change his diaper. As I took his diaper off, I never thought to put a new one underneath. He wasn't done doing his business. What a mess.
Panic took over, I didnt know how to fix this mess. I had no wipes, just wash clothes. I called for a nurse and no one came. Pressed the call button to get help and got an answer from a different department from the hospital that couldn't help me.
Being tired and not knowing what to do and panic kicking in over this little event... Silly I know. I called Danny, I cried on the phone. Told him I couldn't do this alone, I wasn't ready.
He arrived the next morning. He is a very understanding man with full of heart. We sat there talking about the events I went through over night. I spilled my emotions on him. I cried and I told him, "I am not good enough for this baby. He deserves better than what I can offer him. He is so tiny and so fragile. I couldn't even handle a diaper change properly". That's when it all started.
As the days went on, I felt it was hard to get back to my normal self. I found jokes to be annoying, I didn't laugh at anything anymore and I had a lot of anger. I got angry at things for no reason. Stupid things. I was told it was because I was tired and it takes a long time to recuperate from a pregnancy and giving birth. Well, that lasted a very long time, a very long time.
2 yrs later I got pregnant again and had a little girl, Emma. Giving birth to her was very hard. She weighed 9 lbs and 5oz! I lost weight during that pregnancy. Her face was so chubby. Full of cheeks!
Aaden was such a good big brother to her. He was a proud boy that loved his baby sister! He couldn't wait for us to get home and hold her.
As time went by, the kids got older, they got cuter, but my mood never changed. It got worse. I did my motherly duties but when it came to play time, I couldn't do it.
How many times they asked me to play, I don't know. They begged for my attention and I didn't want to give it to them. That is all they ever wanted. The one person they loved so much to even just look at them and the more they asked the more I got mad. I yelled at them. It scared them.
My husband would get home from work, seeing the house in a mess. I couldn't get myself to any of it. I was tired, I was grumpy. I was unhappy.
He would come see me, kiss me on the cheek but I didn't want it. I was so mean to him. I called him names when he would tell me joke. He is such a silly man. He tried to cheer me up but the more he tried the more I got nasty.
When the night came around and the kids were in bed, I reflected upon myself and cried. Why am I not there for my kids when they need me the most? They cried for me and I wanted nothing to do with them. My husband wanted my time and all I wanted was my time to myself too.
Many days went on like this. I hid from everyone, didn't go outside, didn't want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to be alone. Even my curtains stayed shut. Didn't see much sunlight during those days. I was forgetting everything. Forgot doctors appointments, forgot to pay bills, forgot everything. It was bad.
My husband pleaded me to see someone. He tried telling me that I wasn't ok and I didn't listen. He didn't push me either as we stood on fragile grounds between each other.
One day I got fed up of the way I was being. I hated what I was doing, what I wasn't doing. I decided to get help.
I saw 3 different social worker until I found the right person that I could talk to, that took me seriously. She explained to me that I was going through a postpartum depression. And with our long detailed talks she was able to conclude that it was ongoing for 5 years. Started when I had my first born.
And then I became pregnant with my 3rd child, Frankie. She wasn't planned like the other 2. It was a hard hit. I had bad thoughts. And in the state of mind I had, I really didn't think it wise to have a child at that time. How could I take care of a 3rd child when I wasn't even able to do good by my other 2.
I kept to myself even more. I was in a very dark place. I didn't want to meet with my social worker anymore. I cancelled many appointments. Danny finally noticed and urged me to go to the next one and so I did. She noticed how things got for me. And so she had me see a psychologist and put me on meds before things got worse. I was borderline chronic depressive. I was prescribed Mirtazapine. The side effects: weakness, confusion, dizziness, peripheral edema, weight gain etc says Wikipedia. But it didn't say much about side effects in pregnant women, that it could induce early labour. Not something I wanted to keep taking. I could barely drive taking this.
Time went by and the meds weren't doing the trick. I got more tired. I wasn't able to function, even less than I already was at. Some days were good and some days were really bad.
The one thing that worked for me, only took a week to get better. That's when I was introduced to homeopathics from a good friend @earthmother. My rocky road to recovery became a much smoother one. I needed this to work for me. I wanted to be there for my kids more than anything. But my brain wasn't ok. Everything was a fog, stuck in a nasty web and couldn't get out of its nastiness. I had no control, couldn't shake off the negativity I was causing.
I took these homeopathic remedies. What a wonderful discovery! One week! One week it took to feel more energetic. One week to wake up from this nightmare. It took more time to heal of course. It did a lot more than the medical poison I was given.
Finally out of this postpartum depression and it led to better times, happy times. Happy children.
It has now been 2 years of being clear of that depression. I look back on it today and it still hurts my heart, hurts my soul. I lost of lot of time with my kids, precious time and memories. It is hard to remember a lot of it. A lot of days of pain. Today i can definitely feel that I can slip back into a depression. That is where I have to take care of myself for my kids.
I am so very thankful to have met @earthmother. I don't think I have shown my gratitude towards her enough for what she has done for me. She saved me. She saved us.
Wow... What an amazingly powerful recount of a chunk of your life. I feel honored that you shared it with us all. That's pretty huge. And what a fantastic turn out in the end. You and your children are beautiful on the inside and out. They are a testament to your strength of character. Amazing... Just amazing. I don't really have the words. And as for you @earthmother Wow lady!!! Just when I think I couldn't be in any more awe of you than I already am... Something like THIS pops up... What can I say other than YOU ARE AWESOME GIRL! I feel very honored to know you personally and humbled as well. :)
I got goosebumps reading your reply. Thank you, I appreciate your time and everything you said. I feel it in my heart. It's always been hard to talk about as I relive the emotions everytime. I think people could benefit from my events...my story, as it shows that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Just have to work and be encouraged to get there. Being surrounded by the right people helps massively.
Thank you for reading my story Rich, I appreciate it and your words really did make me feel good inside. Much needed. XX What luck I had meeting that amazing woman eh! She is stuck with me forever now :p She still helps me to this day and she is my go to person when I struggle. Her words take effect and there are good results from it. She is never judging and always understanding. A rare gem to find! I love you @earthmother! I can't say enough right things about her, I don't have the right vocabulary to express it right lol.
I'm glad you enjoyed my comment... I struggled to find even those words... and yeah... @earthmother Is the BEST! I miss her quite a bit.
Love you guys! Love being around like minds! We all need to work together!
Likewise and ... Agreed.
It good sharing. Postpartum depression is quite real...usually it creep in unrealised and when it hit, it hits quite hard. The love of the people around u matters and that will usually be the things that gets u through.
It did creep in. I told a few people around me how I felt but no one at first even thought of it as being postpartum. I hope that people can start realizing sooner than later, it makes for a rough start in a new life.
hear that, "it's not your fault.Hey @foxyspirit, I'm with @rich-oth-hegy here; this took a lot of courage to write; actually, this took a lot of courage to admit to yourself as well. I have a friend who had a similar experience, and my son suffers from depression and anxiety. They both said that when they were in the 'throws' of if all, they couldn't 'clearly' see themselves, but when things got 'better', it was hard to imagine being that way. Not sure if that made sense to you, but what I guess I'm trying to say is that I understand and it's not your fault. Did you really
Being a mom is hard enough...we are way too hard on ourselves over everything! Please let the past be the past and give yourself the ok to move on.
You made a huge decision to help yourself, and in turn, to help your family. They are better for it and so are you. Sometimes as women and mothers, we tend to put ourselves on the back burner and try to 'fix' everyone else first. It's a terrible idea and not something we should wear as a badge of honour.
Continue to take care of yourself and those absolutely beautiful children. The upside is this: my sons are now almost 20 and 23 and when they were little, I did a million and one things with them and for them. Truthfully, they remember very little of it all :) Remember your past, but don't dwell on it...focus on the present and not the future; the future is coming whether we like it or not, and it's coming without any help or worry from us! Cheers:) (I'm also going to have to check out @earthmother..so thank you for that !)
I'm also a part of @newbieresteemday and I'm going to come back with that 'hat' on and resteem this to our feed. It's raw and honest and certainly worth sharing!
I know it is not my fault, but it is still what I did. That's the mountain I am trying to climb and heal from. I am getting there, and the feeling inside is the hardest part. Admitting and telling people this, it was hard but it did feel good to do it. A toast to healing futures :) xxxxxxxxxx
Thank you for sharing my story, I appreciate it greatly and I appreciate you and your time to read this. Thank you very much <3Thank you @lynncoyle1. You are right, it is hard, we are too hard on ourselves and I really am the way you describe. I put everyone else first. And I do pay for it. I am still learning what battles are not worth fighting and learning that I don't have to help and be ok with it... In the sense where if the person can help themselves then I should let them rather than do it for them... It sounds bad but I am talking about people that suck the life out of others.
Oh my gosh that was a heart jerking thing to read... I'm so glad you were able to pull out of it. Gosh those medicines... Have they ever worked in a single person? It feels like it would turn anyone into a vegetable...
But the blame is not on you. I'm glad you had enough support to find the way out of that pit! The brain is a tricky thing....
It is quite tricky. Balance is everything and it can be very hard to find it. The meds are horrible, the side effects can be extreme and doesn't have anything positive to it. On some antidepressants, there can be side effects like suicidal thoughts! How can that be helpful to someone with depression already. Just make them worse.
I had great support and I wish everyone the same. Many people like to point fingers thus making me think they just dont know and are ignorant to something they do not understand. Not their fault. Need more love in this world. Thank you for understanding @eonwarped. That means a lot, and thank you for your time reading this post. <3
oh wow... thank you for sharing @foxyspirit
You are welcome :)
Thank you so much for sharing your story. So honest and raw. You bring hope and love to others.Oh @foxyspirit!! My eyes are leaking. You are so beautiful. YOU have done the work! I am honored. You have the most beautiful children. They are the brightest blessings from God. You are too. Such a blessing to our lives. Love you. Xoxo
Thank you earthmother. Your wisdom is a rare one and a much appreciated one too. Depression is a hard battle whether it be postpartum or not. The fight is hard. To have people like you to bring us along and believe in us with love and care, the battle would be harder to fight and I would have even sunken deeper in the drowning pool. I thank you from the bottom of my heart <3 xx.
I am humbled and honored. Thank you. Love you!
what an honest recount of your story. it is not easy to open up your heart like that and share it with the world. but truly, thank you for this. i think its a story often left untold , and will do a lot of good to make other young mothers aware of where to turn if they feel the struggle as well. thank you for sharing <3
I have found, in my area anyways, that depression is looked upon negatively, which is why it is not spoken of much here. It is hard to find understanding even when you think people will, and they just turn around on you. Another hard thing is finding the right person/social worker to talk to that will take the person seriously and is really willing to help heal. I wish to pay it forward to another person in need by telling my story and if seeked, telling them more about the products I used to get better. Thank you for reading and commenting. I appreciate that very much :) xx
You are so brave to tell your real story to us. I am glad finally you came out of postpartum depression is real and it is not just merely tiredness. I had a little but came out of it by medidating on God's words. If I still in, it would be difficult for me when my 2nd son arrived since he has a condition. Mothers are great. You will be doing great. The past has gone. Now is the new you. ☺
Thank you ^_^ All of these comments are so beautiful and heartwarming, it helps immensely, yours included. When my friend first told me about Steemit, she said that it is a lot better than facebook. The people are just amazing and is a really positive place to be. I never thought it was to this extent! Truly amazing people. Sometimes I don't even know what to say to such kind comments. I try to tell everyone that I am very appreciative for them to take the time to read my posts, as I am just another pea in a pod. And do I thank you as well for your precious time that you have given and for your understanding as well. Now is the new you, I like that. Thank you xx
WHOOOAAAA!!! WOW!!! I really am at a loss of words right now. This must have been a true test of your and your husband and family's lives. But it shows how strong you are esp now that you went through that test and passed it!!
Don't think that you and your kids lost those years, just do your best to give them better years, and I'm sure you're already doing that.
Thank you so much for sharing this story with us. I know how hard it was just to start writing it. Again this shows how strong you are.
Your children are just the cutest, I could eat them up. {{{HUGS}}} . Much love to you all.
Aw thanks @scorpii, I guess strength comes in many forms. This picture here is my 2nd daughter, Emma. She was so fascinated with the pink flamingos. She kept calling me to just stare at them. Big pink birds! Who has ever heard about pink birds before? lol That was her highlight of the day :p <3
Amen to that.
Emma? One beautiful name! Please give her a huge hug from me and tell her I love her already.
Sings Big Pink Birds! Big Pink Birds!Big Pink Birds! Big Pink Birds! Big Pink Birds! Big Pink Birds! Big Pink Birds! Big Pink Birds! Big Pink Birds! Big Pink Birds! Big Pink Birds! Big Pink Birds! Big Pink Birds! Big Pink Birds! Big Pink Birds! Big Pink Birds! Big Pink Birds! Big Pink Birds! Big Pink Birds! Big Pink Birds! Big Pink Birds! Big Pink Birds! Big Pink Birds! Big Pink Birds! Big Pink Birds! Big Pink Birds! Big Pink Birds! Big Pink Birds! Big Pink Birds! Big Pink Birds! Big Pink Birds!
I would've been as excited. They're quite unique.
OMG, you are so full of life and fun! She is sleeping right now but I will be sure to do it in the morning when she gets up. She herself is quite a spiritual being. I had a woman here once help me with that. Emma was not able to ward off the bad spirits that were scaring her at night. Every nigh between 11pm and 2 am she would be screaming in her sleep. A lot of which looked like night terrors. When the spiritual woman came she told her guides to help her. Ever since then, Emma gets a full and peaceful night of sleep. It's been more than a month now. Now the only "yelling" she does in her sleep is when she dreams of her brother lol. :p She will think of you tomorrow during her day for sure. :)
^_^
I'm glad she sleeps well now. Such an amazing story, I'm glad you could figure out what to do for her.
I haven't slept well between 2010 & 2016, for many different reasons. then the neurologist told me that if I don't sleep I'll have a total breakdown and he gave me some kind of medication that I took for a month. A month that I slept most of the day & felt high the rest of the time. hihihihi then I could regain some (but not all good) sleeping habits.
Much love for you and sweet little Emma. This is for her. ;)
Her face of approval :p She was asking me a whole bunch of questions. Who is that? Where is he? lol She turned shy when I pointed my phone to her for the picture.![IMG_2414[1].JPG](https://images.hive.blog/768x0/https://steemitimages.com/DQmaqjCsuDD9BFtKuAGTW6BXBfN8FLykZTvHzb1qyC3cp1u/IMG_2414%5B1%5D.JPG)
Awwww my God, I'm melting!! She's gorgeous.
I already spent some emotional time with some relative kids and some of my students and they know I have to leave soon so it was so emotional. & you show me this beautiful face, I just wanna hug her & maybe buy her (& myself) lots of chocolate and candy.
I will show her when she gets home and I will take a picture of her reaction and show you. She is at school now :p I wish you good rest and recovery my friend. Sleep is number 1. xxx
Nowadays I sleep better, thank God. But not enough sometimes due to work and being busy all day, and needing time to be online when I get home. :P
I really like this picture of you. You are a very fun and light spirited person!
An emotionally honest post worth sharing!
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Thank youuuu! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Really I felt goosebumps all over my body when you narrated the story . It was such an agony . It was such a pain mothers get when they give birth their progeny's but they forget all the pain when they see their child . But your situation is tougher than that . you've underwent such bottoms of life and really @earthlymother is just like a person send by god transformed you . Don't remind all the past events and just cherish the present with your cute kids. Thanks for sharing the blog , you just had decreased all the pain by posting your sorrow here by sharing here . have some good time .
It was a hard time. Glad that I got through it. A mother goes through all sorts of pain and this is just one of them.
earthmother is definitely a godsend! What would I do/be without her? I wouldn't know. I do feel a bit liberated but I still have some healing to do. I can't get back the moments that were given to me and I never took. It is a lesson to never take things for granted. Reading great comments from all of you do help me towards my healing. Thank you for this and your time ^_^ xx
Don't beat yourself up so much... It was rough and it hurts I know... but you have a whole life of making up time :)
Im sure, by the way you spoke, you're a great mother.
Stay strong!
Thanks Max. Staying strong for my kids for sure. I can't quit, they are too important :)
I have known quite a few friends who have gone through this. This may seem laughable to some but this is a serious case. I'm happy that you were able to get passed this foxy. Just don't hesitate to give me holler when things don't go well. Always here to listen. ♥♥
Thank you dawn! It is good to know that and thank you for willing to be there for me. I'm glad you see it and understand it. It is quite common unfortunately. Much love xx!
Yes it is and some see it as having an attitude or just bad behavior but it does exist. Some people don't even know it's happening to them. ^^
I didn't know for a long time, couldn't figure out why I was being the way I was and couldn't shake it off either. Mental health is not something to be taken lightly
Thanks for sharing. You are very brave for opening up like this but I hope it was somewhat therapeutic. I'm happy homeopathic remedies were able to help and you have some beautiful lovely children :)
Yes it was a bit therapeutic. Opening up bring all the emotions back but also releases. Homeopathics are the best thing that happened to me. Im still learning about it and finding ways to even grow my own medicine with what I can of course. Learning as I go. Thank you for your comment, your time to read as well. Our children are the world right. Need to be taken care of like there is nothing else in the world :)