Are you tired of the way your mother interferes with your children's upbringing? Do you mind interfering your father with your marriage? Perhaps your parents want you the best for you, your now-grown children, but when their wishes for your own good will start to harm both you and your relationships with others?
We will always be our children, regardless of our age, to our parents. Even when you are about forty, your parents will continue to worry about whether you are warmly dressed in the winter and eat regularly.
A friend who recently divorced trusted me: 'I have to return to live with my parents for a short time. When I get to them, I feel like I'm a girl again, not that I'm forty-one. Why do not my parents respect me as an adult? They constantly complain to me and invite me to order, so I feel like an unrelated child. "
One client decided to move to another city for work. When she told her parents, they vehemently protested as if they were a teenager's fantasy, not a life decision of an adult with a university degree and several years of service.
The parents' misunderstanding of the attempted separation and autonomy of their adult children arouses feelings of guilt.
Why do parents want to control their adult children?
The causes can be numerous, from anxiety and fear to mental illness. If parents are anxious, they will try to control situations within their surroundings in order to get an apparent sense of control within themselves.
Sometimes, because of their poor life choices, they do not allow you to repeat their mistakes, and therefore, for example, they call you several times a day, are looking for attention and do not allow you to grow up and take responsibility for yourself and your life. Because - 'Mom and Dad know better'.
If you as a child grow up looking for the respect and praise of your parents, and you have not received them, it is quite certain that you are looking for them now, in adulthood. You graduated from college within a deadline, got a job in a good company, you work hard and you are successful, and you still have the feeling that all this is implied to your parents. Perhaps it's time for you to stop asking for their approval, because you will probably never get it. As an adult, you need confirmation and support primarily from yourself.
Sometimes adults in the company of their parents still feel like little children. The colors confront each other, express their opinions and take it for themselves - just like when they were children. If they oppose it, they have a strong sense of guilt and transfer responsibility to themselves - 'so my mother is already old, why am I angry?'
When conversations fail, it is necessary to establish boundaries
The border is a psychological barrier that allows us to define ourselves and our needs. When people do not respect our borders and if our borders are 'permeable', we lose our understanding of what we are. When we are in such a state, it badly affects our relationships with others.
When our, now older parents, do not respect our life and our choices as an adult, it is certain that this pattern is not new, but that it has appeared even in childhood.
If the parent was too critical or emotionally neglected the child while it was a little, this child in adulthood usually does not have a personal border built. Such adult children do not know how to say "no" to their parents, but themselves and their needs "yes". They usually feel guilty, they think they are bad or selfish if they care about themselves and live in the hope that they will eventually receive the confirmation and approval of their parents.
If your parents cross your borders, thank them for advice and note that you are an adult who can take care of yourself.
And most importantly, be aware of the fact that you can not set boundaries without your parents being upset.
The goal is that you, your adult child, finally start to live like an adult and be what you should be: creative, independent and unique.
It's not easy to fight for yourself, but it's true.
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