I Now Pronounce You Husband And Wife And Piggyanna Jones

in Comedy Open Mic2 years ago

this COMtest award and bring more traffic to Hive because I like designated inappropriate areas.Quick one. I made @comedyopenmic beneficiary to increase



When someone says Guinea pig, the first stop our imagination does not drop us off at is the neighborhood pet store. Watch.

Guinea pig.

See?

They sample the entrée. Who else is gonna tell you it tastes like shit? They jump in the pool first and then Lie Out Loud, "feels great!" First to rock a mohawk or sit in the chair first on matching tattoo date night—Guinea pig.


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I have to work with these people.

Said my wife who then proceeded to tell me she warned her colleagues that I'm, quote, prickly and have no filter, end quote, when she told me there's a gerbil in the wedding party and I about lost my shit like O.F. YES!

I'm bringing the GoPro.

It's not a gerbil! It's a Guinea pig and, no, you will not bring the GoPro. I have to work with these people. Do not bring any unwanted attention to me.

It's not often she breaks me off with a rule book like that. I snuck in a couple shots with my phone only because I had a good view and said I was taking them for the bride whom I'd like to mention I did offer to send copies if anyone asks. But, no GoPro, I was warned. And absolutely, most definitely, no documenting the ceremony. She was adamant about that.

If there's one thing I'm good at, it's not getting caught telling you what I'm good at.

Now then, ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, it is with pleasure to introduce to you, Mr. and Mrs. Coulston Bridges, Piggyanna Jones the bridesmaid, and a photobomb I still haven't stopped looking over my shoulder for.


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At first, I was disturbed by the guinea pig, but then I saw a cowgirl photo bomber! She is like a meme waiting to happen!

I could not help myself. Unrequited love if i ever saw it! !LUV !PIZZA

Haha I was just reading this post and was thinking MEME! as well.. this made me laugh out loud :)

Right! When the universe gives us opportunity we must meme!

 2 years ago  

I wish I would've noticed when I snapped it cuz the bride put it on her Instagram and said she doesn't know her. That's all she said, by the way, nothing else and now it's on her page like everything's normal.

Great meme, Mimi. = }

I laughed so hard I cried, still am crying. I needed that. That was so so so good. Ten star rating because it made me cry laugh the whole read. I wish I hadn't read it so I could go back and read it again fresh and new.

prickly and have no filter

If you decide to stop being like that, I promise to stop speaking to you.

I'm bringing the GoPro.

So You. Pura completely has your number down.I like that, but at the same time, I'm disappointed. I don't see why you couldn't take pics and vid at a wedding, especially with a guinea pig. Totally normal thing to do.

That third pic, the bride kind of got eclipsed by that charming woman in the cow print dress and cowboy boots. That one's just a beacon of happiness giving you the evil eye look. I bet she knows about you and cows.

 2 years ago  

Good morning, you. I cleaned my glasses. You know how they breathe hot air onto the lenses and then rub their glasses with their shirt and clean them up? That, I did that. Nice to see you, again.

Very cool comment to wake up to. I should've started here instead of that other shit I read first. Shit. I mean, oops. I tend to forget I'm supposed to pretend I care about their feelings before I say what I think. I'm never gonna get it..

I wish I hadn't read it so I could go back and read it again..

One of the nicest things anyones said to me here. So nice I'm totally fucked now and have to cut this sho..

Knocked me outta character.

You wear glasses? I sorta know about that, but only sun glasses, since the world looks better blurry to me.

Nice to see you, again.

Is it really? Is it?

One of the nicest things anyones said to me here. So nice I'm totally fucked now and have to cut this sho..

You're welcome. You earned that type of comment from me. Totally.

Knocked me outta character.

So that's what it takes to accomplish that. I've been wondering for nigh on two years.

 2 years ago  

I had a joke right here. I deleted it.

..yeah, I know, embarrassing.

That was the punchline. Ba-da-bing!

That was the punchline. Ba-da-bing!

Try again, sounds like a dad's joke, couldn't crack a creek of a smile.

..yeah, I know, embarrassing.

I am looking over my shoulder as I type this... Lmao 🤣😂🤣

😂 While you're looking over your shoulder, what do you see and while you're doing that, what's creeping up on you in your blindspot?

Minivans and Tesla's scare me the most when they come creepin' into my BeeSpots.

Always distracted driving and not really all that concerned about that whole wreck'n and die'n stuff.

Or did you mean while out of the big rig. ?

Slims Chicken AR 2019.jpg

 2 years ago  

I like the way you cut off the left side of that and left where the food is to imagination.

The left side...

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Your imagination...

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 2 years ago (edited) 

I was thinking something more like where the food is.. not poison but sensuous...

It'll never go in your pocket anyway. When? Never. If not Ukraine, then United Airlines. Not yours. It's fake anyway. Disney or Chevy or something else that ends in Y and doesn't start with Rand.

I like the fact that you missed the fact that it's backwards.

 2 years ago  

You mean they don't grow from the root first? That's upside down!

I meant while out of the big rig, but I'm scared of those lithium battery vehicles also.

In that photo, I can read:

"Our roots run deep in the delta where the food is (something)..." backwards. That's kinda kreepy.

Chicken Shack in Arkansas. Really good food. Been a few years so the name escapes me.

Ohhhhhhhhh.....they don't have chicken shacks here in Canadaland. I think Eastern Canadaland might have a lobster shack or two.

 2 years ago  

You're trying too hard.

If trying too hard involves "Furry Cosplay in the Bedroom?"

I am a "Cat"

What are you..? 😉

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I'm a hybrid, or at least that's what I said to census when they asked. They wanted more details, but I told them I'm still trying to figure out all the details of my DNA. Seems there's some cat in there, so that works, eh?

Eh..?

No DNA needed there. Straight up Canadian. 👍 💕 👍

Your wife must have spoken directly to the girl in the brown dress. It seems that she was instructed to keep an eye on you and if you started to pull any shit she would report directly to Pura. I hope you behaved yourself and bit your tongue when your filters failed.

 2 years ago  

My favorite Upstater, how goes it? Thanks for checking this out.

In case you didn't know, when there's cats and dogs in tuxedos and the bridesmaid is a Guinea pig, it's gonna be a Great Wedding.

That couple is destined for good things.

Time will tell!

When a woman gives you that angry look, you better run.
Stay !ALIVE

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 2 years ago  

For sure. Just don't forget to snap a shot first as evidence.

Sure.
!LOL

Which side of the chicken has more feathers?
The outside.

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😂😂 the photobomb scares me the most...

The bride and groom sure would be happy to discover that you took pictures of the occasion..so many memories to relive

 2 years ago  

I was just saying how if you're ever invited to a wedding and there's cats and dogs in tuxedos and the bridesmaid is a Guinea pig, prepare for a great time.

You forgot to post the cats and dogs :( ... Maybe Atlas should have attended too?

 2 years ago  

Atlas. Funny, no heck no. I was told about the Guinea pig but that's all we knew. Then I was on my best behavior cuz if I got to snapping images I'd get all ocd on it probably like placement, position, causing a scene, unintentionally, of course, and get all carried away like I did with this sentence.

= }

Hey, she would have had fun with the other dogs, and livened up the party :) And alerted you to any uninvited photo bombing ghosts!

Oh that lady seems angry at you. She might don't want you to take some pictures, hehehe

 2 years ago  

Hey what's up Jenthoughts? I don't think we've met. Happy almost first block birthday.

Yeah, I don't know what it is, but she's pissed at it.

That photo bomb staredown is legend hahaaa...do you have two holes burned into your forehead?

 2 years ago  

Hey, Ms. Lovelace, what a pleasant surprise. Had I known you were stopping by I would've worn a hat....

<3

I know that death stare! Can't decide if she just hates you or is simply jealous of that gerbil furry varmint.

So does everybody get a warning before they actually get to meet you too?

 2 years ago  

Oh, absolutely. A 48 hour window is in the contract. About twice as much as needed, really, but I totally understand we're not all on the same..

Forgot where I was going with that.


Nice to see you, Colonel.

You need to start getting a rider on those contracts, something for you to fire up your memory....

Good to be seen. I've got to stop wearing camo all the time...

She knows about him and cows.

How do you know about him and cows?

That's highly classified. I'm not authorized to release that information to you.

lol, that "look", hahahahaha. wowza, what a wedding!

 2 years ago  

iHeart weddings more than THIS. They call'em weddings, I call'em costume parties. = }

Much thanks, AustinWA.

Oh man she’s giving you the death stare dude. Did you have a shirt on that said “Guinea pig killer”??

 2 years ago  

No, hell no, I love a good excuse to get pimped out. What they call weddings I call costume parties.

I immediately dubbed her "frowning girl in brown cow dress"..... and then you showed 2 more photos of her. 🤣

 2 years ago (edited) 

I would've liked to notice when I snapped it so I could verify she was real. Didn't catch it til yesterday, now I'll never know.

Thank you.

Prickly with no filter.....

😆

 2 years ago  

I know!! I need to get more creative. All I ever call her is gorgeous, stunna, beautiful, lover, old repeat jargon like that.

Maybe that's why she sticks around.... even when you are prickly with no filters. I say keep up the the good jargon.

 2 years ago  

O.U Are the best. I finally got someone to hold responsible if she ever calls me vintage.

ha ha .... I AM vintage.... it's not so bad.

You didn't notice HER? That does make me wonder if she was real!

!PIZZA

You didn't notice HER? That does make me wonder if she was real!

!PIZZA

Oh lordy, that's the best wedding photo I've ever seen!
I wouldn't be expecting a Christmas card mate...

 2 years ago  

Good thing I didn't show you the one of me and Pura where she's holding the frikkin pig thing and it bit her thumb and her mouth is all.... you can practically hear Ouch!

Chicken! But understandably she'd kill you. Sometimes, girls have no appreciation of the fine art of taking the piss! Anyway, hope all your wonderful plans are all panning out and taking shape and you're having a rather less rodent infested weekend...if only you'd taken the pup and he'd eaten the thing. That would have made a post!

I read this a while back but I don't think I ever commented on it. Did I? I was going to ask if the guinea pig got married to that guy who had to be carried down the aisle by his groomsmen. But maybe that look from Wild West Wednesday the photobomber made me forget what I was gonna say.
What a fun wedding! Most marriages don't last these days so I say marry whomever as long as it makes you happy.

 2 years ago  

It was such a fun wedding. They had their dogs and a cat there, too, they were merely audience members. But they wore tuxedos.

When Piggyanna Jones is the bridesmaid and the cat and dogs are in tuxes, it's gonna be a great wedding. I wish'em the best!

Thank you.

The bridesmaid!!!! Did she throw the bachelorette party for the bride?

Oh gawd! Crazy. Would you believe I wZ working with a woman yesterday with a bandaged finger, and of course I asked what happened. No shit, she was savaged by a GUINEA PIG... So badly she needed an operation. It wouldn't let go. Does she still have the pig? Yep. Weirdos!!!!

 2 years ago  

And they stink! Guinea pigs stink, it's no secret. They don't shake or fetch or chase mice or anything.

Helluva wedding though when the bridesmaid's a Guinea pig and two dogs and a cat are in tuxes.

Best of luck to the newlyweds!

I've never really understood the point of them! They seem quite creepy to me.

Hahaha...What is that look for..she is looking at you like what the hell is this man doing here

 2 years ago  

No idea what she's looking at. I didn't know she was there until I saw the image the following day.

😂😂😂😂

Lmfaoooo...!

Really. I juss peed a little I laughed so effin hard.

Few more years bro. You will know what I am talkin' bout.

I wish I could been ya'llz plus one.

Imagine how me and her woulda bonded over our furr friends?

NM Walkabout.jpg

NM Walkabout_1~2.jpg

Imagine how me and her woulda bonded over our furr friends?

Unless she mistook the bridesmaid for lunch?

!PIZZA !ALIVE !LOL

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Samantha would not hurt a flea. She don't gotta. No bugs on any of deez mugz.

But your right. She would be thinking. "Hey... A chew toy."
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and just like that, it all falls into place and that is adoracow, Annabelle and I always replace Bull with Cow :)
No unwanted attention, we're sure the last 3 shots won't be deemed as that (:

Thank you for the bread crumb trail

PS we're now here to stay

 2 years ago  

Nah, thank you. The timing of your article couldn't have worked out better.

Much appreciate you guys following the trail. I'll keep an eye out for your review of the electric Ferrari.

Oki doki and thank you, you just can't get enough guinea pig goodness :)

The girl in the brown and white dress doesn't look overly happy!

It seems like the guinea pig was really the main focus of the wedding? Was there some sort of story behind that, like them meeting because of her?

This post has been manually curated by the VYB curation project

 2 years ago  

Negative, no back story other than they really adore their pets. Their dog and cat were both in tuxedos.

Spookiest photobomb ever.

Much thanks for the curation, wrestlingdesires, I'm glad you liked this one.

What's up with that girl behind the bride though? I was going to say MEME it but I see someone already did in the comments. Was she acting like that the whole time? lol

I'd pimp your post but I'm too late to do so, sorry. I was ill when you wrote this so that's my excuse :)

Hope you're well!

 2 years ago  

You're not allowed to apologize for reading my stuff!!

= }

Good morning. It's morning here.

And the bride put that shot on her Instagram page—true story. Pura didn't wanna be too obvious so she asked like who is that after she saw the brides IG page and she just responded like nothing.

So in so's sister or something, nothing about a freaky photobomb.

Morning!

I would not be too happy being placed on Instagram like that haha.. I wonder how she feels when she sees these pictures :)

How's the doggie doing?

 2 years ago (edited) 

Get me talking about Atlas and this character count's gonna go tf off.


She's the best. I've been outta surgery for three days now so I'm out of commission and she's just super patient. No whining, no being a dick.

She passed basic training. Aced advanced training. We were in the middle of bite work when I got my arm cut open and she's already caught onto that, too. Literally.

Super proud of her. She should be all registered to fly on planes and go in hospitals by this winter.

Thank you for asking. <3

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Wait what, you had surgery? What happened? If I may ask.

And what is Atlas going to do in hospitals and planes?

She sounds like a great dog, and you sound like a good dog owner, unlike many people in the world who have no ff-ing clue how to walk a dog lol. I love dogs, I love most animals actually, I'm not into the long walks every day many times anymore, but whenever someone else passes me with a cute dog, I need to pet it! But the same goes for cats, as you may have noticed by now :) lol.

I hope your arm is recovering well <3 Sending love!

 2 years ago  

I did a lot of damage to myself back in February. The nerve that controls my thumb and index finger on my dominant hand stopped communicating. I have no control over them right now so I'm not exaggerating when I say the entire hand has been rendered useless without the use of those fingers. And it's been like this since Feb. There's a diagnosis for it—AINS.

But there's textbook procedures, I'm in the middle of it. Time, hope and wait, nothing, now the surgery. So they fillet'd my arm open and essentially massaged all the muscles and tendons and nerves in there. Now we wait another 6-8 weeks to see if it worked. Day three—nothing.

Pretty miserable.


Yeah, Pura's family is all in California so we'd bring her with us annually to visit. I'm weird like that. No kennels or baby sitters. And hospitals because that's the highest access achievement for dogs. She's allowed inside anywhere after that and then we'd have a good excuse to pay children's hospitals visits and stuff when we see one and have time.

I'm doing it again, ain't I?

Dogs are great. Dog owners, however, as you know.. very rarely are they even half decent.

Ouch, sounds like a shitty thing to have. I don't have experience with that but carpal tunnel syndrome for example I know very well and these things affect you a lot daily, so I remember. I bet this is the same for you. It's good you have a well-trained dog that doesn't pull you over the grass instead of you walking her then! :)

Shit that day 3 has not brought any relief yet, fingers crossed (oops, did I say that really?) that it will change soon! <3

I didn't know that you can bring dogs into hospitals if they're trained well, that's great.
So you could also go in there with her to visit the departments where kids can use a little happy moment while being there for treatments? That's nice!

And yeah, many dogs deserve better owners. I don't say they don't love the dogs but they are not in control of the dog, making it a shitty situation quite often. I often see people being dragged down the street by their dog, imagine what could happen. Cats are easier lol. But they are definitely their own persona as well. If they don't want to listen to you, they won't :) so there's that lol.

Take care <3

Lolzz wait whats she holding? Is that really a guinea pig? Lol who takes a guinea pig to her wedding. I saw this post late and it was too Hilarious to skim through.

 2 years ago  

What the heck is up, you! = }

Yup, that's a real Guinea pig in a real wedding. Piggyanna Jones, the real bridesmaid.

Nothing much or scary just hanging in there :)
Guess you weren't joking when you said you'll get the pictures, lolzz. That pig will definantely be a pet like a dog pet

 2 years ago  

Their dogs were there too, two of them. And one cat. All three wore tuxedos. Heckuva wedding cast.

I wish'em all the best.

Guess thats the family, they're all getting married. Wishing them a prosperous home

PIZZA!

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 2 years ago  

How'd you know I like deep dish @mimismartypants?

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The wedding background is greenish showing that their love will remain active as long as they both may live.

Emm, next time, your wife must sue you. Bewarned

 2 years ago (edited) 

Hello Marajah, thanks for finding me. Welcome to Hive.

Oh, it's the green? Not because their dogs wore tuxedos?

..your wife must sue you

Not sure how they do things where you are but here the wives own everything anyway.

!LOLZ
!LUV
!PIZZA

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