The Struggle to Belong

Among all the people I admire, there's a series character, Young Sheldon, whose life teaches a thing or two and is familiar with the people I grew up with.

Sheldon is insufferable and only cares about his dream. He doesn't care about making friends with others or anything other than physics. The only people who seemingly tolerate him are his family, but despite that, the people around him somehow understand. The thing is, he certainly has an upper hand and advantage that enables him to act that way.

But in the end, the story showed me how it ends: Sheldon gets his dream and meets his people, the friends who accept him and still hang out around him. He even meets the love of his life and has a child, and that's how the story ends.

The reason why I admired him is that it wasn't far from what I used to know. I grew up with people who are also like Sheldon, an insufferable genius. They have IQs above 120 and are often obsessed with one thing and one thing only.

None of them cared about fitting in and sometimes justifying all means to reach their goals/ambitions. They really have this mentality of science above all. Now, they've definitely made a name for themselves wherever they are. I also had a relationship with a guy working in nanophysics; he wasn't insufferable but weird on his own. From him, I ended up learning about nanoparticles and whatnot. Career-wise, he is doing fantastic, from what I can see. Again, much like Sheldon, he didn't care to fit in; he got his dream and had relationships, friends, and a fantastic life.

Amid all this, I suppose I am on the bottommost tier and needed to fit in. I wanted to gain some social acceptance, and maybe that was just me exercising my evolutionary instincts.

I wasted many years attempting to fit in, listened to others' thoughts of me, and was gaslighted left and right. You could say I was too weak, and I have recognized all this lately.

Not having one thing to focus on was a disaster for someone who wanted to do many things at once. I was easily influenced by what others thought and wanted of me. I mean, if we're talking about childhood trauma, I guess I've seen it all. From domestic abuse, encouraged perfectionism, controlling parents, emotional abuse, you name it. That could be a factor in why I am like this today. Here's me today at 27, still trying to digest whatever-the-fuck was happening with my life then.

You could probably tell from my writings that I am an overthinker and a goofball, and sometimes, it sounds like I am a different person with a separate personality. The more I write here and reflect, the more apparent it gets to me that I don't need to fit in. I just have to be me.

That being said, I also find it crazy that Hive is like a book of my life. I documented almost everything here and sometimes reflect on how crazy life has been these last 7 years. Maybe it'll end one day, and I could finally open a new chapter, but for now, I felt like I was not done with this life, this chapter especially. So, until it is complete, I won't really leave.

Today's main reflection is basically not letting others gaslight you and twist your reality. Don't try too hard to fit in because the right people will eventually find and tolerate you. Don't let anybody guilt you for liking certain things, music, hobbies, whatever. Just do whatever you can to survive. Don't let your looks & appearance stop you from chasing your dreams(it used to bother me), but I mean, there's nothing wrong with being ugly and average. You're never too ugly for your dreams. Sometimes, all you really need is your brain, not your appearance.