Hey, first-time dads.
I know it's difficult.
First, you were nervous, who wouldn't be, a positive pregnancy test is a big deal. You're going to be parents. Or are you? Anything could happen. Not that you're wanting a way out, but holy sh*# this is kind of life-changing and it's happening really fast whether you are ready or not. Suddenly you feel trapped between "there's no way I am ready for this" and "I couldn't survive the heartache if I lost this baby".
The literature that exists as a guide for new mothers is endless. You can pick your flavour, the crunchy, alternative variety of resources right through to the mainstream, "by the book" approaches. They all generally point towards very similar goals with different approaches, get the baby to adulthood safely, as easily as possible.
For fathers? There exists minimal guidance on how to survive the taxing and gruelling first three months of the newborn's life.
Here are three solid, easy-to-understand guidelines.
- First things first
The day your bundle arrives in this world, be there, not only for your partner but for your baby. Skin-to-skin involves holding your baby with no barrier between you, including clothes. Have your baby in just a diaper against your bare chest. Why? It will help you rock as a dad in the years to come!
"When a father has a chance to hold his newborn skin-to-skin on his chest he releases oxytocin, often called the love hormone. This hormone supports bonding and trust in humans and is the same hormone that makes a woman’s uterus contract in labour. When the dad’s endocrine system releases oxytocin as a result of this skin-to-skin contact with his newborn, he can’t help but fall in love with this new little person. His body is flooded with oxytocin and the connection grows."
*exert from pregnancybaby.com
- Be a hero: Step in and save the day
The first few weeks will feel like madness. Your home will turn into a chaotic, semi-dark cave of diapers, sleeplessness, poor nutrition and missed showers. Sound dramatic? It isn't.
Hell yeah. Without a full-time nanny or a cleaning lady, it is madness. In amongst the anarchy, you will find dearly beloved losing perspective sometimes. She may accuse you of not pulling your weight, or she may burst into tears for no apparent reason. Let me explain why.
Her body has just wrestled the most intense tug of war between many hormones, courtesy of being pregnant for 9 months. It is now trying to find its old patterns again. Pregnant women's hormones are so vastly different from the unpregnant, you could almost class them as a third gender. At around the 6-week postpartum mark, these hormones will be leaving her system to make way for normality, leaving her even more tired, comfused, hormonal and anxious.
Alongside that, she is sleep deprived, hungry, nervous and hell-of-a scared, just like you, except she feels like she has to look calm, collected and like she is holding it together.
As difficult as it is, cut the old girl a break and try to be the sane one in the home. Take the baby and insist she spends 6 hours away from the both of you, at least twice in a 7-day cycle.
How does this help YOU survive the newborn phase?
It will allow her to see that you are capable as a father, while it gives you the chance to find your feet away from her critical eyes and commands. You need this time to develop your own style of parenting. Also important, it gives her the chance to rest and return to you a slightly more calm and normal human being.
Believe me, this piece of advice will lay the cornerstone to a happier relationship for the next few years (you're welcome).
- Keep perspective: Money won't shape your success as a good parent
I'm going to tell you something the world of capitalism will hate me for, while I throw you a lifeline. Your newborn baby requires very little financial input from you. Sound shocking? Of course!
Everyone is always saying how much kids cost. Kids do cost a lot, but not from the moment they are born. The world doesn't want you to know this because they want you to buy the sleigh cot and the kit the nursery. There is no financial gain for the world if you don't spend oodles of cash on this helpless, wriggly, demanding little neonate. If you don't quite have your sh%# together, I am telling you that you have time to get your proverbial ducks in a row.
Right now, your baby only needs a few basics. You can look out for my next blog which will outline the basics you absolutely can not do without, the rest is commercial nonsense you don't really need, although it might make things easier.
If you weren't quite prepared for kids, give yourself a time-frame to try and achieve some financial stability within. The financial weight of providing for a child is felt more after the second year, although this varies from family to family based on your lifestyle.
Give yourself the first two years of your child's life to get yourself better positioned financially. It does not all have to be there when the baby is born. A great way to save money in this phase is ensuring your partner has great support if she wants to breastfeed. This is really her call, so be respectful, but a lactation consultant is cheaper than formula.
La Leche League is a resource that offers assistance to mothers free of charge in this respect (find them on Facebook). They offer the best advice from trained "leaders", their own equivalent to lactation consultants, based on solid medical research. Successful breastfeeding can save an enormous amount of money, both in the feeding of the infant and in the reduced medical bills, as breastmilk will ensure a healthier baby too.
*While breastfeeding is helpful to many families, always be respectful of mothers and families who choose to feed formula or who are unable to breastfeed. The best parents are those who proudly do what works best for them.
The whirlwind of new parenthood feels like a storm to endure. The ups and downs, the tension, the long lists of forbidden pleasures that were previously part of your daily life (cigarette, anyone?) the hopes and dreams and the bitterness of unmet expectations. This is but the tip of the iceberg if you were fortunate enough to have a healthy, full-term newborn baby.
No one is suggesting you don't absolutely adore your offspring. Of course, you do. That doesn't mean it isn't hard as hell. Everyone will probably tell you this, but it will get easier. Each phase of parenthood presents you with new challenges, but honestly, at each stage of development, your child will surprise you with a more profound sense of love and devotion. As they start to reciprocate affection and acknowledge you, it starts to feel worth it.
At each stage of development I find myself telling my partner "this is my favourite stage!" It's because, as they grow, as they reveal more of themselves, kind of like a flower opening. Each petal that folds away shows you more of the bloom. With each new development, the flower seems better, more complete, more colourful, aromatic, WHOLE.
I realize this is probably being perused by mothers, after all, we are the researchers! Send this to your man by using the link at the top and equip him for a happy journey! Love and light to you and your young ones!
Thanks for the advise.
All dads need to read this. As a mum of 2 boys, they become expensive once they start school. Love them to bits.😘