Learning How Not to Skate: A Guide on Failing So You Don't Have To

“Skating is life…”

“Skate or die 🤘🏽⛓🩸🖤”

“Some other corny skateboarding quote”

Except… I can’t skateboard.
Instead, I longboard!

What is longboarding, you ask? Basically, it’s for those of you who are otherwise really bad at skating. And all skateboarders hate you.

And what is a longboard?
It’s like if you took a skateboard and went…. Nyoop

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I wasn’t always a longboarder. Many years ago, I was but a simple rollerblader.

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I learned a couple of things; how to spin, how to skate backward, how to do whatever this is:

That’s me on the left!
(yeah. Roller discos still exist. Get with the program)

But after some time, I found myself getting bored with rollerblading. What could be the next level?

Hardcore Extreme Dirt Biking of course.

But because I value my life, I ended up buying my friend’s longboard instead for the low low price of free.
(It actually cost me a milkshake and a high five but... minor details, minor details.)

(This was how I held it before I was swiftly informed that holding it by the truck is for noobs)

I found a YouTube video for ten basic tricks for longboarders. And when I told all my friends that I was learning, their response was always the same.

“You can do tricks on a longboard?”

Yes. eyeroll

Well I mean, I can’t, but someone would be able to if they had the ability, yes of course.

I decided to start with the first two: the Ghostride and the Pivot
If you watched the video, or at least the first two minutes, they look simple enough, right? A person with my superior balance and grace would have no problem acing it.

So I got on the road, hoping not too many cars would be out, and tested them out.

But. Do you know that saying “easier said than done”? Yeah…
It took quite a while before I was even partially able to get the first trick done. Hopping off was easy enough. Taking a step or two? Or fifteen? A bit harder because I had to kick my board forward so it was traveling with me AS I hopped off. But ok we finally got that down.
BUT JUMPING BACK ON THE MOVING BOARD?
Imposibil.
That’s Romanian for “Nope can’t do it.”

I tried for several minutes before hearing a voice call out to me. I looked across the street and saw one of my coworkers waving at me.

“Oh, hi,” I shouted, “I was just trying tricks on my longboard.”
“Yeah, I was watching you before. Do you know how to longboard or not yet?”
“Yeah I do,” I responded.
Following that, the silence that hung in the air made me realize his unspoken words which were: Oh cuz it doesn’t look like it.

After an uncomfortable (and admittedly minorly offensive) pause, he informed me, “Well you should probably be able to cruise with one foot comfortably before you start learning tricks. Can you do that?”
“Probably, but not with you watching”

And with that, he nodded and walked off.

So I tested it out. And I could. Like a freaking champ

Given that I had mastered this ability with flawless finesse, it was time to work some more on the tricks with newfound confidence!

Anyway, I shattered my phone and nearly broke myself so...

Can’t wait to go back out tomorrow.

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