I'm stuck here at the bus station at 2:42pm, with one hour of layover. I am coming back from seeing the love of my life and my heart is numb, my hands are empty.
They say memories are kinder. It's never been more true than now, when the time together pales in comparison to the time apart. I'm just grateful for this little corner that I have right now, a little piece of quiet and solitude while I'm reeling inside.
I feel like the foam on the waves as it breaks on the shore, relieved in being released from the tension only to wash up on the shore empty, evaporating into nothing.
Everything happens for a reason. All the anticipation, excitement, hope, tension leading up to this, I just feel relieved that it's over.
It hurts to admit, but I think I got my answers. I should be at peace, secure. My convictions should have been solidified. Foundations should have been built. But I came back empty handed. That in itself is my answer.
If I were to be pragmatic, I would analyze, re-strategize and pursue. But I am ruled by my intuition.
I know what is right and wrong. I know what is good for me. That is one thing I am not willing to compromise on.
In a probability of 80 and 20, I am very seldom in the 20 and only if my intuition directs me there.
And so far, I find nothing substantial to keep me there. My intuition is in part objective, and no matter which angle I look at it, it's a losing battle.
The loss outweighs the gains at a landslide. And anything forced will not result in anything good.
Feelings and emotions are good, and for me they are hard to come by. But so does peace of mind.
And frankly I don't want to waste my time. It is the most valuable thing to me. If you know your worth, you know how valuable your time is.
No, I am no coward and I fight hard giving whatever it takes. But I cannot be part of something I do not believe in.
I have so many different sides and shades of personality and I know exactly which ones I want the person I want to be with to bring out in me.
I may be versatile and I adapt easily but at the end of the day, I want someone to be my rock. I want someone to keep me grounded.
Everything happens for a reason. Including this. For you as a rite of passage. For me as a favor returned.
This piece was written a long time ago and I might have shared this on my other social media accounts. So, if ever there is a similar content found in other social media sites, that explains it. Hehe.
Also, I have a spoken version of this manuscript, and the reason I am sharing this is because somebody requested for the transcript. Lol!
If you want to listen to the spoken version, you'll find it here.