Carl Gustov Jung, a Swiss psychoanalyst, seems to have explored some of the sentiments you expressed when he explored what he called the shadow. For Jung, the shadow was the dark part of ourselves that we typically renounce and say "this is not me." It can be merely the traits you have but do not accept (but need to because they are you as well). But it can also be your best understanding of what evil actually is, and you recognize it since it is, despite your efforts to run, in the end just you.

Embracing all of yourself can be the only whole response to the darkness you will encounter, if you are brave enough to seek it. In your moving post you describe the compartmentalization of feelings (actually parts) that occurs when someone is traumatized. The technical name for this is dissociation, and while we all do it, anyone who survives trauma likely has to rely more than most on this tendency to split ourselves into safe solid admirable self, and weak, terrified, and possibly vengeful victim. Usually there are many other splits as well but bringing them all together is a life's work for someone who deals with inescapable trauma. How to mix this alchemical alloy is a unique opportunity for each individual, but the unwelcome parts, when folded into ourselves, make us who we are, and anything less is at best a life lived with half your soul tied behind your back.