I believe that you are precisely the right person for the job for all the reasons you stated and at least one more: Goats.

I'll just absolutely guarantee that not a single one of the other attendees will have ever done anything like tending goats. It's the absolutely perfect place to be coming from, of abnormal normalcy.

I know that you'd posted a meetup. I actually considered it, but LA. Hell A. Place just makes me crazy and I was just there a couple of weeks ago. Way too soon to be going back, for me.