The Toxicity of Complaining—For complainers & those who endure them

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We all know the type and have been them, at times, The Chronically Dissatisfied. Short-changed by life at every turn, or so they believe, they adopt a scorched-earth mentality. Each time they unbutton their lips, it's to tear down, belittle, bemoan: the weather, the news, their colleagues, the world. Or, at the very least, to satisfy their disgruntled hearts, they will emit a long and windy sigh.

We learn, over time, to avoid such persons, or minimize our interactions-- and not ask them how they are doing, or about their work, or their weekends, for fear of the deluge. Sometimes, they might overhear themselves and, in turn, they will complain about how difficult it is for them.

There is no age limit to this misbehavior, of course, and growing older does not mean growing up. But maturity, and certainly evolving, does mean complaining less--since, one cannot complain and truly learn at the same time. Muslim mystic, Rumi, says this best in a handful of words:

'If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished?

Which is to say, those so-called 'irritants'—the obstacles, the hurdles, the challenges, the disappointments, the delayed gratifications, even the heartache—they are all there to help us grow, and polish the mirror of our heart. But, first, we must perceive them in this light, and try to work with them, not against them.

Patience, of course is key. Another Sufi teacher, Idries Shah, puts it this way:

'The impatient man is his own enemy; he slams the door on his own progress.

And, because my mind works in quotations, I am reminded of yet another. In this case, it was Christian counsel on a wooden plaque at the entrance of our childhood home (even though we were not raised Christians). Known as the "Serenity Prayer" and written by the American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr, it read:

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

To recognize that all is not within our hands, and act on what is, this is wisdom indeed.

Generally speaking, I've found that patience, acceptance and gratitude are effective antidotes to complaining. How can I use this circumstance might be a better approach, than knee-jerk resistance, and negativity.

And, because, this is a social media platform, where other struggling, suffering souls visit our feed and the communal well in search of something to refresh them and brighten their day, it's worthwhile to try to balance our tendency to vent with some uplift. Otherwise, without recognizing it, we might find one day that we have become that person we avoid: The Incorrigible Complainer. A parting quote, by C.S. Lewis, eloquently sums up this unfortunate predicament:

“Hell begins with a grumbling mood, always complaining, always blaming others… but you are still distinct from it. You may even criticize it in yourself and wish you could stop it. But there may come a day when you can no longer. Then there will be no you left to criticize the mood or even to enjoy it, but just the grumble itself, going on forever like a machine. It is not a question of God “sending us” to hell. In each of us there is something growing, which will BE hell unless it is nipped in the bud. ”

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© Yahia Lababidi

(Images: Unsplash, in order of appearance by: Aziz Acharki, Cathal Mac an Bheatha, Jeremy Yap and Mohammad Metri)