I notice lately that I have been living with a bit of a twisted starting point of what I share online. I have been living in this construct of energetic drive, of experiencing a high and a rush and adrenaline from posting videos online. The experience of this rush and "high", slung up into the air, like I am a projection of my own mind, have been my starting point/drive of why making videos.
I would make videos to experience a high, a rush within, a adrenaline, a form of addiction, within from making and posting videos. Then after posting the video I would feel bad and inferior because of seeing what I just did and the consequences it have on my living. A form of self deceit. Not having a good starting point within my sharing.
So... my reason for sharing have been misaligned with my potential, my purpose. Meaning my deep and intimate and life purpose and potential have been suppressed and "hidden" beneath my addiction and desire for this high/energy to have lots of viewers and to compare my reach.
Later on I would also compare my views, my reach, how many people I could reach out to. I would compare my reach and my attention, my fame, and have this want and desire for fame and fortune.
I listened to these 3 interviews from Demons in the afterlife series to become aware of this dimension.
Check them out and see what you can learn from them
https://eqafe.com/p/comparing-your-reach-demons-in-the-afterlife-part-78
https://eqafe.com/p/realizing-my-real-reach-demons-in-the-afterlife-part-79
https://eqafe.com/p/connecting-and-reach-demons-in-the-afterlife-part-80
Photo by Roman Koester on Unsplash
Self forgiveness on some points here:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for comparing my views and the numbers of people that I am able to reach out to, thinking that the numbers in itself is a big deal, making my quest and motivation into quantity and not about quality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for addicting to the energy rush of having many views on my videos.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for suppressing my purpose and potential my life and intent, by addicting to this energy rush and comparing of numbers and my views.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I did not check my starting point of "why do I make videos"
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for going into a great deal of despair when seeing that my reason for making videos has been misaligned.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for thinking that all is lost - I am such a clown, simply because of making this one mistake and misalignment of starting point.
I stand here as self correction. I will remind myself to check my starting point more frequently. I commit myself to focus more on my potential and purpose of living - and my living everyday life and my reach - to be change - where I am at.