I can still hear the doorbell ringing as I was running down the hall passing your room and seeing your door open. My heart starts pounding very fast as I realize it is the middle of the night and you’re not home. A mother’s instinct? Perhaps. Many thoughts race through my mind. Did you forget your key? How could I fall asleep before you were home? I never sleep until you and Kami get home safely. As I neared the door my hands were shaking, and I was so afraid to look through the window. When I pulled back the blind and saw the two police officer’s solemn faces I knew - I just knew what they were going to say. I remember screaming. I remember begging them to tell me it was not true and that it may be a mistake. How did they know it was you? Please check again it just can’t be my son. I knew but couldn’t accept what they were saying. One of the police officers was a classmate of yours so there was no mistake. I will never forget his words as he said, “I am sorry Mrs. Martin, but it is Chad. He seems to have fallen asleep and hit a tree. He was killed instantly.” I remember a pain like no other that is still here after 17 years as though it was yesterday. My heart was ripped from my chest and time no longer existed. I remember our neighbor Miss Joan coming over to be with me until dad, Kami, Nanny Beckie and the rest of the family could get here. Dad was on a train so someone called him. I remember many people being around me speaking softly. It was all so surreal.
Bits and pieces of what happened in the next few days are a blur. The trip to the funeral home doesn’t exist but the line of the caskets is all too vivid as I struggled with my mind to grasp what we had to do. I remember begging for them to let me see you, but they wouldn’t allow me to. Why? I knew why but I just wanted to hold you, make sure it was you as the reality of it all was just too much to bear. The wake, funeral and the burial are all a blur. I remember flashes like a scene in a very overwhelmingly sad movie. There were flowers everywhere, faces, whispered words and tears.
What did I feel at that time? Pain, helplessness, abandonment, emptiness, but through it all was a very deep ANGER! I was so angry at God. How dare He take our only son? How dare He let the murders, rapist and all the horrible people live and, yet He took you? WHY? It took a LONG time for me to come to terms with that anger toward God. You know what? He didn’t leave me. He walked right there on the side of me as I dealt with it all. Did you hear me when I screamed at God? He and I talk about you daily. There are days even now that I slip back into that angry mode and still ask Him WHY? I also send many messages through our Blessed Mother Mary. Is she giving you all those hugs I send? I am sure that keeps Her business as I send them several times a day.
It has been over 17 years, but I still find myself picking up your favorite foods at the market. Remember the days when you were watching TV and I would bring you that big plate of fried shrimp with a toothpick, so you wouldn’t burn your fingers, those pizza bites or better yet those little chicken hearts you loved that grossed me out? The look on your face was so worth the time it took to cook them for you. Oh, how I long to see that look again.
Please tell God thank you for allowing us to be your parents and for picking the best He had to share with us. Tell Him I am sorry for all the angry words I threw at Him. I know He forgives me, but He needs to hear that I am sorry too. The day I forgave God was the day I remembered that He gave us His only son.
To say I miss you would be an understatement. My one memory that I treasure the most was the words you said as you turned and faced me on your way out the door that last time we were together– “I love you mom”. I love you too Chad. We will be together again but until then ask the Blessed Mother to give you yet another hug from me.
Love forever,
Mom - HUGS
Erline, thank you for sharing this with us. It is heart wrenching and yet cleansing. I hesitated before reading it because I knew it would hit me hard and now the tears flow freely from my eyes as I weep for you and the great pain that you and Roy have endured from the staggering loss of your dearest Chad. I remember when I heard this awful news so long ago. I had only known you for a year or so at that time and I was torn up over your loss. I couldn't even imagine the pain you were feeling at that time, but it made me appreciate every moment, all the more, that I had with my own son.
It is only now, since my dear Mother Gloria passed away in October 2016, that I have come to know the depths of human pain that I am capable of feeling and yet I know even my great loss doesn't compare to the loss of a child! However it allows me to realize now how great loss alters us all forever and yet in order to heal, we must come to the realization that God knows what is best and that while we are still in pain, we are still blessed to be among the living. Fortunately that gives us the strength to go on living better lives and to better the lives of others through our remaining light of love that is the essence of a life well lived, while we make our dearly departed loved ones proud as they guide us from above. Thank you again for sharing your letter to Chad with the world! With all my love, to you and Roy,
Kevin
We have walked alongside each other for a long time. Having friends like you and Cindi to lean on helped us carry our load. We all go through much pain and heartache as we travel this road called life. The Lord put many good people around us to help us through the worse heartache ever. My Mom is still with us but had to say goodbye to my dad who passed away in April of 2016. I can only imagine what pain you had to deal with losing your beloved mother. I know one day we will all be together again. The Lord promised and He never breaks His promises. Thank you, Kevin for always being a special friend to us all. Hugs
Your words are beautifully written and heart-wrenching. Brings back so many memories I endured as a child in a different light. The feelings were the same in many ways. The light surrounds us in the memories we hold dear and God is always near. Though the words I know were difficult to write, thank you for sharing. Inspires me to write what I should have written long ago. Hugs and love to you and your loved ones. Leanna
Thank you, Leanna. Like you, I find healing when I can put down my feelings that are buried deep down in my soul. I look forward to reading your story. Hugs
As I sit here with tears streaming down, I simply cannot imagine the pain of losing a child. But I do know the pain of losing a friend and of losing my Dad and then my Mom. Thank you for sharing this....and one day....you will see Chad again and be able to hug him yourself!
Yes, Andrea, that is my light at the end of this tunnel. I WILL see my beloved Chad. I am also sorry for the loss you have had to endure. Hugs
I was lost for words Erline as I read your post. Not only did you describe what happened, you allowed us to feel your pain.Over the years I have conducted hundreds of funeral services, many of which have been where parents have lost their children. For a parent to lose a child, it must be the the worst experience any parent can have. It overturns the normal order of events where the parent goes before the child. I can understand your anger at God and the asking of why. As you have discovered though, He is a loving, forgiving and understanding God and will continue to hold you, Roy, Kami, and the whole of your family in his loving arms until the time comes for you all to be joyfully reunited with Chad. God Bless you Erline for your openness and honesty and allowing us to share your pain. xx
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