A New Year and a New Beginning: I'm Back on Steemit

Can you believe it's been over a year since I vanished from Steemit? And with this—a whole year of experiences I just have to share. A lot has happened over 2019, and while it may seem daunting to determine where I want to begin my story, we are starting from the end this time. Why am I back?

What happened?

Something shifted in a major way... and I've found my way into a new timeline.

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I left my job the day after Christmas.

I had met with my friend T, for holiday drinks and hanging out. While I seemed to be merry on the surface, a breakdown was brewing. It spilled over into our lighthearted conversation and peered it's head out with sinister undertones following closely behind. Like a curse being lifted, I realized that maybe the job I had glorified for the past year and a half was not what it appeared to be at all.

That I was coping with the situation that I was placed in... and in reality, felt trapped.

Over this past year, several of our FOH staff had left the restaurant, most of them suddenly to pursue other things. It appeared at the time that my manager was opening up to me, and due to this I had taken up more responsibilities and shifts. Trying to catch the slack anywhere I needed to be.

What this entailed was me becoming the host trainer, then night server, then covering shifts and cashiering as well as serving. At some point over the summer I spoke with a good friend D about the whole ordeal, and he told me that I needed to leave and get out.

I feel like an absolute idiot looking back now, thinking and saying; "No they need me, I need to help them." Hindsight is truly 2020... I didn't need to do any of those things. Yet, instead of hiring more staff as promised... I had begun to try to fill in the holes left by everyone else. While management complained about nearly everyone else at the store, they were severely kind to me. My ignorance led me to believe that others weren't doing their jobs or doing the best that they could. That in some way I was helping everyone and I came at him so many times for the things he said.

I was so fucking mad at how he would talk about everyone.

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While it was distasteful to soil the names of those around you, I had slowly been made to think that as long as it wasn't me that it would be okay.

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The rose colored sunglasses I had worn so tightly blinded me with how much I saturated it.

Then winter break began. The only break I get from attending year round school... Another person left, and a second. It would only be natural to be asked to work a little extra when they are hurting. What didn't click at the time is how much it would come back to hurt me. It was the Saturday the 14th, and I was already scheduled as the night server that day and on Sunday. I had gotten the flu and wasn't even sure if I was well enough to even return to work. That's when I got the text from the day server asking if I could cover her Sunday morning.

I told her that I had the flu and couldn't come in.

She only worked there one day a week and was calling in sick?

Then she had confirmed that she asked 4 other people before me and they all said no. We didn't have enough workers for when people got sick? She wasn't the most liked at our store but I digress, she was not a bad person... who also had the flu. After a back and forth for half an hour of me saying no, I eventually caved and told her I'd cover. A clopen into a double while you have the flu... at a restaurant... is what nightmare fuel is made of.

I somehow made it though my Saturday night shift, and the double on Sunday. As I was leaving the store on Sunday night however, I found out something I shouldn't have. I asked my manager in presence of the store owner if I was working morning or night on Tuesday. She looked at him and found out he was up to something sneaky. She asked me what I meant, and I mentioned that another coworker has been taking my nights on Tuesdays so that I work on Tuesday mornings now, so I wasn't sure what time my shift was. The owner was furious.

This was my manager's shifts, not mine. He was giving himself days off by making a 3 way trade to our shifts and not telling anyone what he was doing.

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Because a returning server wanted to make more money, my manager gave me the shit end while giving himself shifts off.

I found this out immediately after covering while being sick. They honestly didn't care for my health. I wish I didn't find out what happened, but here we are. It would continue the entire week leading up to Christmas. I was told to take that Tuesday off.

...I thought it had been resolved, but I have never been more wrong.

I was asked to cover a shift on Wednesday for cashier. Cover a shift on Friday as a night sever. Work my normal Saturday and Sunday night shifts. As I was leaving the store Sunday night, he asked me to come in on Monday Night as well. Then my normal shift fell on Christmas Eve. I was off Christmas and would return the next day.

My manager who was always so kind to me, started treating me like trash. Imagine covering all these shifts while you're sick and being blown up on at work for minor errors, some I had nothing to do with. I was put down and bullied throughout all of this, and that's when I realized that something was wrong... and it in fact was not me.

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I did everything I possibly could, it shouldn't physically be possible everyday to be this bad.

He would always apologize and do something nice after. As if it was "water under the bridge", but then it would happen again. At some point he stopped apologizing for his overly aggressive behavior and acted like this was all normal. To think that the reason everyone keeps leaving was right in front of me all along. This is a clever style of manipulation, but not something I would let entrap me.

So over drinks and hanging out with T, I talked mainly about projects I was working on and things I wanted to do. I had been working on a gaming YouTube channel since late summer but had to stop because I didn't have the time or energy to edit and upload my videos and have school, and surprise shifts. I also started streaming video games on Facebook Gaming and grew my page likes to almost 3,000... But I haven't been keeping my schedule exactly because I would have to suddenly come in for all these shifts.

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I noticed a feeling of defeat when I spoke about my goals because I started not being able to do these things, nonetheless most things because I was too exhausted from over working myself. At the rate things were going, how much more of myself would I have to give up to keep this illusion of being happy with my job going on?

Sure, being a server means smiling and being happy when you are having a bad day, but that's where it should end. I'm not serving my coworkers or anyone else by always wearing a smile when I am being torn up on the inside. Manipulation is terrifying, it makes you feel like you're the one over reacting.

I decided that I would ask for coverage on the 26th so that I could really think this over, and try to make the best decision for myself...

That's if I could actually get it off.

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I texted all of my coworkers and to my surprise, I was left hanging. While I would come in to help cover for everyone else, when it really came down to it, no one would do the same for me. Who could really blame them though?

It's not like I showed and invited anyone around me to suffer. On the surface I kept my sunny disposition until the very end. Part of me is glad that I did though. I was at a cross roads when I came across this art piece posted to Facebook.

I contacted artist https://www.facebook.com/momstinky/ known as "Stinky Mom" and got her permission along with her blessings to use her piece on this post. I was saved by the memes and I'm grateful. I enjoy her mordern take on philosophy and recommend you check her out!~

This was the very image I saw shared to my feed the day after Christmas. After I tried to find coverage to take a self-care day for myself. When I had realized that I need to put myself first. I messaged him back that I would not be returning to work anymore.

If only it went that smoothly.

His responses started nonchalant, that I must be joking and it's not a problem. This whole ordeal meant absolutely nothing to him.

I left him on read.

I don't know what I was waiting to hear. I just know that what I ended up getting was a lack of concern for my well-being. Even with him messaging me, I wasn't sure I was making the right choice... all the way until he said;

"Don't you need the money?"

That's when I decided not to change my mind.

For any of my long time followers, you may remember that I took this job to help out my friend V and was under no obligation to stay after she left. If I wanted a different job I could have it, but I placed myself on the back burner to stay behind and take on burdens for others. Damn, sometimes I'm an actual idiot. I forgive me though c:

I was leaving and all he could think of was "how?" (a̸̢̨̬̘̲̮̖͂̅͌̽̍̚r̵̰̠̣̻̲͔̔̓̀̈́̀͒e̴̼̣͊̔̓̽̾͜n̵̨̧͙͎̩̟͚̈͗̊͒̀'̵̢̣̭̝̖̙̜̈́̇͋͑͆͛t̶̗̘̯̪̤͈̯̭̓͐̚̕ ̶̲̞͔̊ý̴͕̙͕̦̥͈͊̀̈́̚ͅō̸̮͔͖̳̈̀u̴͖̠͌̈́̎̐̑͛͘͝ ̵͉̦̩̣̦͖͐̉͝ͅs̶̹̰͉̪̽̒ţ̷̞͖͈̗͈͂̇̋̽̔̎͝ū̷͇̬̬͕͙̓͝c̴͈̪̳͙̿̎ǩ̸̗̳̀́̅͘ ̷̺̥̱̮͔́̆͑̈́̈́̓̍͝h̷̢͕͇̹̣̜͙̣̀̌͂́̽ë̷̗̩̲̥̬̦́̔͊͠r̵̮̼͍̳͋̍ͅŕ̵̺̍͗̈͒ĕ̴͖͠?̵̣̺͍̣̗̝̻̒̇͗)

To be honest I think that hurt the most. Out of everything he could have said, when push came to shove, it was only about filling the staff and the money... and how much use you could get out of each person.

His manipulation would have a final bow as he messaged multiple people, including my boyfriend who does not work for this company at all, to convince me to stay somehow. I was relieved when they all told me what he was trying to do, and flat out refused to do that to me. Damn, I have some really good friends. More so that my decision is supported as long as I thought that was the best thing for me.

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"Karpman's drama triangle", demonstrates the types of roles that facilitate drama. Why be the rescurer when you could be the creator instead?

I spent the day venting and being cheered up by them. I even logged into my favorite game and spoke with some of my friends out of state. My old roommate S, reassured me that I can easily get another job if I wanted to, he was happy for me, and that and he would play games more often with me. My other friend, we'll call him Coolio, decided that he was going to actually help coach me some to improve at League of Legends since that's something I've seemed to never have the time to do before.

Meanwhile, I've spent the past week coming to terms that I left in a messy fashion... And that I'm probably the bad guy in my managers story... maybe even some of my coworkers. I'm okay with that, as long as I'm not lame in my own story.

I can't help but think though, that he may have not done all of this intentionally and was looking out for himself and his best interests, that I've betrayed him and others around him. He put so much effort and trust in me... I mean that's probably what he wanted me to think.

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It's a hard lesson but one well learned.

Anyone who makes you question your self worth is absolutely not worth your time or effort. If only I had seen it earlier I would have better understood why everyone was leaving.

My 2020 is about to be something amazing, and when all was said and done I thought about what I would spend this year doing. Besides school and gaming... Steemit was pretty cool when I could blog all the time. Why not go back to where I felt my voice mattered the most?

❤️ I'm home,
@shello

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Your goals and dreams, they deserve a second chance