Max Shwartzvald Indicted For Breaking Several News!
Via Royters News Agency
"I can't help it. I just got to break the news. My doctors say that I should not be upset about myself breaking news. They told me yesterday that I am unfit to stand trial. The prosecutor fears I could break more news in the courtroom." Max Shwartzvald seems composed. Despite a possible outcome of ending up behind bars for an extended period. Shwartzvald is 93 years old and the mandatory minimum sentencing for breaking any news is 24 month low security incarceration in a prison complex that must be no farther from Shwartzvald's home address than 500 miles. The 500 miles limit places Shwartzvald within the area of a number of low security penitentiaries surrounding Austin, Texas.
Shwartzvald appears to be collected, the tall 93 year old bar tender that has lived in Texas for the last 75 years, has no regrets. "Regrets? Me? What for? I did what I had to do. News need to be broken. They are all lies, some of them stinking. Somebody has to do it." Shwartzvald was arrested on the spot at a Cloister News Network studio on September 17th, 2021. Based on his lack of funds, he is represented by a public defender. Shwartzvald repeatedly demanded to be defending himself in court.
"'Public defender' is just a metaphor for 'You're going in!'" Why did the attorney general not approve of Your demand to defend Yourself? His eyelids start to twitch. "The attorney general? That weasel is so deep in the pockets of Cloister Network, that he can't afford to let me defend myself. He's scared shitless that I could break some news at the court hearings." What does he mean by that? "Look," he says with a lowered voice, looking at the CCTV's all around, "when I broke the news at the network, nobody wanted to hear, see, or say anything. They all know that I broke the right news. The weasel is afraid that I would be able to get myself out as quickly as they got me in here."
You are quite the celebrity here, aren't You? The pre-sorting facility just outside of Austin is packed with seniors that had previous run-ins with the law. Most of them will serve time for "concerted disobedience", as the legalese terminology calls the illegal seniors' potluck events. Did You get to know many of Your contemporaries, yet? "Nah. You know, concerted disobedience is not really my thing. They are much better at it than I am. What they like about me is simply that I break any news that need to be broken. Well, the leader of the 'Hispanics against Hypocrisy' gang told me that they will back me - no matter what. After the last broken news was translated into Spanish, I received tons of letters from the Hispanic community. These guys love it when others break some news."
Does he find similar support among the African-American community here, or are there reservations against his practice to break the news? Has he ever broken news for the African-American community in Texas? "Yeah. Once. But it was a different network. Not Cloister. It was Vax News and they are every bit as disgraceful as Cloister. They wanted to suppress important news from the African-American community. Way before Black Lives started to Matter. I may be Caucasian, but I surely know where my loyalty is appreciated most."
Did he receive lots of feedback at the time? "Yes, absolutely. I'm still in contact with many of them. To this day they will tell me that nobody ever broke the Vax news like I did. And I did it for the love of my country. My country is not racist, You know. Sure, there are some racists behind every corner, but that is not my country. That's why I will keep breaking any disgusting news. They have to lock me down until I'm cold to prevent me from breaking news for all - but most of all for those who are getting shafted on a regular basis."
"Time's up!" can we hear the guard yell. "Okay, that's it for today!" Shwartzvald starts to grin. "You know what news I like to break the most? The ones Johnny Cash already broke when he went to St. Quentin before they closed sweat shop. Yeah, that's the kind of news that need some serious breaking."
Can I hug You? "No, that's not allowed. I could smuggle some broken news for You to get out of here. They are quite paranoid about that. The weasel is scared..."
We wave each other off and he throws me a Shaka. Where did You get that from? "Keoni. My friend Keoni told me how to do that. I got to know him from the last time I did time. Great fella." "Break it up now!!!" The guard is losing his patience and we are parting ways.
To be updated after the court hearings.
P.S.: This nonsensical piece was first published on Substack, where I can no longer publish. It shall be the first re-publication of a series of humorous pieces that should be once again be available in this insane world.