Dear Diary,
The silence of my healing pens is echoing in the hallways of my now calmer mind. The end of March and the beginning of April sparked a grey mood that drained the joy out of the slow moments of life. I have been hiding in plain sight clinging to seasonal grief and recurring mild depression.
Consistency might be how I undo the constant doubts that keep dragging me back to a place of distancing myself from my art but I am a human being who bows to fear of judgement one too many times.
Sad, right?
That even as words swim in my mind every second, the stench of my guilt can suffocate the life out of their depth. My unfocused pens won't let me wield them while still holding the space for my awakened demons sometimes and these last several days have been exactly that.
As the reality of seasons changing sinks in, the patience to embrace these wild expectations I am yet to meet is growing thin. My inner man has a demanding mentality that preys on my perfectionist and her crippling procrastination.
You can call me the struggling scribe.
Every day, I welcome a new day thinking that I can juggle the roles I play currently and still find ample time to tailor a piece that might help me shed a layer of my pain while drained of the overwhelming shame.
That rarely happens when I am in a dark place and that irritates my remedy seeking spirit as it is like having a path to freedom and still managing to get lost in the chaos of day-to-day responsibilities.
I keep saying that I want to transition to being here more often but what holds me back is the understanding that this account is yet to provide a stable income. The rent is waiting and so are the school fees and I still trying to work my way around everything thanks to insane inflation.
Behold the art of singlehandedly financing my brood.
The depth of my shallow wallet has been unintentionally exposed by my way with these words and I am still working to launder that reputation. Now as the hour dilutes the heaviness of the season, I am back to striving to strike a balance between my obligations and my art.
wambuku w.
It is very hard to find and maintain the balance that life worth enjoying is. But for the times in our lives, we do find that sweet spot it makes all the dark days worth it.
blogging brings me joy yet in the last month I have made one post and not a happy one. I was and am proud I accomplished that much over the last month.
we both need to find small parts of our days to be happy about. it can be something as a meme that makes us smile while shaking our head in agreement or as wonderful as someone making us laugh out loud so our sides hurt from the moment of joy we just had.
The problem is at night we forget those little moments of each day that helped us make it through... but those ARE the moments we never want to forget.
Yesterday morning my Mom made a joke. A joke that was unlike ANY she has ever done. I do not know who was more shocked by the joke, her or me. all morning I would think of this joke and smile and start to giggle. She would look at me and know just what I was laughing about and get all red in the face.
by the end of the day bad, very stressful things happened in our day. We both were tired and worn out and both felt like giving up...but neither of us has the luxury of giving up right now.
at one point I looked at my Mom and said, God must have known we were going to need a great start to our morning in order to make it through the rest of our day.
Did knowing that makes all the bad things go away? no, but it made me feel not so alone in a world filled with millions of people.
Look for the small victories, as you did write the post above. be proud of the small things because they have a purpose too and give you much strength.
Many Hugs!!
I had to take a minute to capture everything you are saying.
Blogging brings me joy too but it is also something that I can't rely on completely so I have to wisely choose how much time I allocate to it.
I pen the different shades of my spirit and when I feel like it is too dark, I avoid spewing it into my feed.
Your example with your mum is too familiar but I have never looked at it like that. I go through such a lot.
Looking for small wins is a skill and I have been trying to use it. I am so grateful for your taking the time to share your thoughts and the hugs have been virtually received!
Thank you.
You'll break out dear, I believe you will...just don't give up or give into those sad thoughts. I know the feeling; maybe not in the same measure but i've had some dark patches too.
As for Hive, I think the difficulty you find with consistency is because your articles are laden with emotions, unlike mine which is just based on random thoughts. You write powerfully, but maybe it doesn't always have to be so painful.
You'll overcome
I am sure I will as the will to is there.
Oh yes. I write from a very emotional place which is why I take a leave from poisoning my feed. Not sure that everything I pen is so painful but I am sure most are rather reflective but I am sorry if they come out as painful.
Thank you for the kind words.