Death After Death: A Reflection on How Running Changed Me

I always remember this whenever I feel that my mind is in chaos. When life becomes too heavy, my go-to therapy is to run. I just realized that when you run, you keep your mind free. Like any other hobby, it makes my heart and mind race for a moment and seems to forget that life is already chaotic as it is.

Another reason why I ended up running was the death of my mother and grandmother. In the year 2020, at the peak of the lockdown due to COVID-19, my grandmother, who raised me to be a good individual and the one who accepted me in this world even though I am a product of a broken family, died due to heart failure. There was no indication, though, that she was infected with the virus, but her heart fails as how the world fails its color due to the global crisis. I can still remember her death vividly up until now and how she managed to breathe through her mouth to make it. How she smiled midst everything, seemingly assuring us not to worry. It was a heart-wrenching moment for me. I even forgot how to breathe for a moment as my emotions that time consumed me big time. A day before her death, while I was caressing her back, she kept on mentioning that she was glad I came to this world. She even managed to say that I had already grown, just like how she imagined before. I could not even imagine that the person who taught me a lot of things, the person who taught me to be brave, the person who made my childhood fun, and the person who would spank me if I said bad words and if I brought a bad grade was gone already. I just realized at that moment that life is so short. Even if you thought that her age was just at the right time, as you reflect back, her time in this world seems to be so short, especially since you do not have the chance to give back all the goodness she has given me. Her life with me was too short, and I did not have time to make her happy even more. And that was my biggest regret.

Just like any other death, we tried to move forward and bury those emotions in the ground of our hearts.
We just act every day that nothing happens. We try to smile,and keep running in life just like expected because the world doesn't stop when we grieve. So, life must go on even though you're tearing into pieces. And, that's how cold life on this planet is.

Nine months passed, another tragedy happened. My mother died due to reproductive failure. I did not know what's the exact findings because we do not have the chance to bring her to the hospital because she didn't want to; and also, the budget that time was not capable of bringing her to the hospital. That's the scariest thing that a child would experience. You know that there wa still a chance but you've got nothing to do because you had nothing. You're still a child. No money, no everything. All you can do is to take good care of them by hand and pray that a miracle would happen. However, in my mother's case, she lose in her battle. When I saw her closed her eyes, I feel numb and blank. Hearing words that she's gone made me puke due to out of too much emotions. Emotions that I cannot bear. When I say that I am a strong soldier—it's not, especially when it comes to the people who had a big impact in my life. I am soft as cotton when it comes to them. My heart shattered into pieces that no thing can fix it back. That's how broken it is.

Death after death made me question my life—what is this life or is this the kind of life trying to teach me? Is this teaching me to be stronger than ever? I didn't know. I am alive but I felt like a dead person. For months, I was like a living dead. Breathing but at the same time dying inside. I am just a young adult, merely not far from being a teen, but too much noise already happened. So, I started...

One day, I started to walk. Then, the next day, I started to jog. The next week, I started to learn to find my own pace. And my running journey started. If you imagine that I ran like the others who possessed expensive watch and shoes, I am not. I am just a causal runner who runs for her mind's sake.

Why running? It's because it was only the way to make my mind busy finding a way to breathe properly, to cope up, to discipline my mind and my body to push through even beyond the limits. I am not running to race up against others. I am running because I want to prove to myself that the deaths I have encountered is not the end, it was the beginning to make my life more meaningful. To answer the question I once raised, I decided to take action. To run. Not away from the problems, but running towards the betterment of my being.

I maybe slow now, but I know I am getting there. Stronger than ever.

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