This is How I Roll (Selected Journal Entries)

09/22/24

Some things in the past no longer need to be relived and should probably be left alone and let it be resolved on its own. The thing is, I know this very well - easier said than done. But for some reason, living in the past, recalling certain dialogues, have become an addiction at this point. And here I am trying to unlearn and heal myself by engaging in productive activities that take me to the present moment such as journaling, board gaming and reading.

In front of me is a full spread of my Sunday cozyness. The café vibe. My current read, journal, new card games that I bought, coffee, water to dehydrate, slices of Banana cake, colourful pens and highlighters. Maximum coziness goal achieved. What's not to be happy about? For now, I will politely decline outside world invitations just to stay in and feel safe in this little cozy bubble of mine. Just unapologetically feeling calm and content today.

The plan tonight, as in most nights, is to treat it as if it's daytime. Because I'm a vampire that's why. I'm gonna do everything that makes me happy today - this is how I roll. Enjoying everything that I worked hard for - reaping the benefits of freedom and independence. Without apologies.

09/23/24

A quite and an unbothered life. All my life this is what I've been trying to achieve. I am here now. Enjoying the early afternoon quietness as I write this. Only time will tell where I'm gonna be many years from now. I no longer aim for things that are way too unrealistic or idealistic. For some, this is probably boredom and emptiness, loneliness even. For me, this is a good, quiet life.

Once you stop forcing yourself or actually taking care of yourself - you'll soon find out that some people really are not worth your time and energy. And that you've put up with them too much out of loneliness. But now you start seeing the big picture, you start setting boundaries for yourself. One we've learned to be okay just being on our own and being ourselves , we become selective of where we put our attention to. So maybe, this time, this is really adulting.

Around 4PM should be the consistent wake up time. The sun still very high up like a headlight pointed at my direction. The brightness won't really last long so it's best to do all the things the natural light would be greatly needed for.

It might be warm but certainly not the warmest time of the day. The rays of light shining through the glass windows are still bearable and greatly welcomed. My indoor plants are definitely thriving.

Deep within me is calm acceptance. And that this is how I'm going to deal with life moving forward. Peaceful, alone. Life at its quiet best. Everything that I wish for, just simple things tbh, are now in front of me, it took some 40 years tho. Books, entertainment, plants, and a diabolic cat. Again, what's not to be happy about?

09/25/25

Stage 3. This is where I am right now in terms of my current obsession - board / card games. Thank God - my obsession is not a person this time. Because I would rather devote my money and energy to an interesting and rewarding hobby. Have I known that there's such a thing as "solo board gaming" then I would not have spent so much money on other money pit hobbies such as MMORPG and billiards. I still like billiards - not the people in it tho ugh. Nothing gained from all these communities I participated in anyway. Just frustration and disappointment from humanity.

I like to call these "single-player board games" to make it sound acceptable for normies out there. There's such a thing as single-player PC games, 1000 puzzles, and console/mobile games so I don't know why solo board games are weird for some people. The weird thing is that the term single-player is more familiar to them than "solo" which to their untrained ears and neediness meant loneliness and isolation. Single-player board games is like slowly easing these unhappy people to the idea of the usual multiplayer activity that can now be played alone. The term is more like inserting the familiar term without fully shocking them with the change and bursting their social butterfly-ness ideas of hobbies.

And yes, I do love my current state right now. I don't think so much, don't need certain people so much. After a series of forgettable events, those I thought I really like, just numb me to the point of no return. No longer will I force or insert myself to certain groups or scenarios out of this need to be mentally well and well-adjusted. I will only socialize with my potential people but my affection won't be given unless it's warranted and deserved.