Mommy's Mental Health: Chapter106 - 16 Days of Activism Against GBV: That Time I Said No When boys and men felt entitled, part 1.... and and Apology

Times men and boys felt entitled to me or forced me into relationships: part one. I still feel horribly guilty to this day for what I did to the boyfriend I had directly after THAT boy. The one I lost my virginity to.

We had been talking on the phone almost every night for weeks, if not months and as soon as he heard about the breakup, he coerced me, through consistent and persistent requests and guilt trips, to get involved with him. I told him I was not ready.

I told him I was processing emotions I had never felt so strongly: like anger.

I remember when boyfriend "A" as I shall name him, broke up with me the day before valentines day - on the phone, I ran outside and screamed in the street. No words, just screaming.
I felt discarded
like trash.

Boyfriend B already showed disturbing signs of being a pathological liar, and I knew half of what he told me about himself was fraudulent. He was also the ex boyfriend of a very close friend of mine, and had shattered her heart the year before by cheating on her. The red flags were everywhere.

But
I did eventually go out with him. He pestered me to sleep with him, saying these exact words "I want to make mad, passionate love to you." But at the time, nothing made me more ill.

Still. I was angry, and not at him.

I did warn him though, that I felt my anger would end up hurting him and it did.
It hurt both of us.

I've tried several times to apologize over the years that have passed, but have been met with a blank wall, or back in the cycle of his entitlement to me.

The last time we were in contact, I was engaged for the 1st time (at the age of 22) and was I in the process of mending as many fences as I could, and gaining closure where I could. It was 7 years later. Maybe it was too soon, but at that age, 7 years felt like a life time. We met for drinks and both drank far too much - and just for a moment, nostalgia took hold of me and we almost kissed.

After that came the repetitive phone calls and messages, even though I had told him I was engaged, and had made a mistake... even though technically, nothing had happened, and I thought we had laid much of our trauma to rest. After a while, he got really angry with me and told me to delete his number.

I tried contacting him on social media, but he had blocked me. I know that his feelings for me were as genuine as they could be for a budding narcissist.

But I know how much I hurt him.

I just wish he'd listened.

But in my experience,

that it not what men do best.

I was obsessed with the Goo Goo Dolls. It was one of the best and worst nights of my life. I received their CD- "Dizzy Up The Girl" and concert tickets from "Boyfriend B" for my birthday. God, looking back at the timeline, my birthday was just short of 3 weeks from my horrific breakup with "boyfriend A".

I think the concert was a month or two later, I stand to be corrected. A grup of girls from his school approached me and told me he was cheating on me.

It was at the concert that I broke up with him... this song always plays in my head when I think of the boy I hurt,

and the relationship I never wanted in the 1st place.

#16DaysOfActivismAgainstGenderBasedViolence #emotionalabuse #nomeansno #coersionisnotconsent

The Apology

Know Your Place Claire. We don't talk about these things. I have had overwhelming support over the last few days as I have mounted my own battle against GBV by pulling back the curtains on my own experiences as a girl, a teenager and a woman. IT HAS BEEN VERY VERY VERY HARD. I did not just take to my keyboard, with no emotions. There have been posts which have taken me days to recover from (CPTSD). Resurfacing these memories, especially intimate ones regarding family, where I know there is the biggest chance of backlash has been very difficult. I cannot put into words how grateful I am to everyone who has reached out. I am also very sorry if my stories triggered or hurt you. It was not my intention to do so. My purpose behind it all was to give a voice to those who would not or cannot speak the unspeakable. People have been saying I am brave for sharing... and some days I do, the rest of the time I feel shame. Rereading my posts over and over... wondering if I remembered things correctly. Doubting my own sanity and my own experiences. This is common for CPTSD survivors. Thank you for the personal messages of support and kindness. I am doing this to advocate for myself, and countless women around me. #16DaysOfActivismAgainstGenderBasedViolence #EndTheSilence #EndTheViolence #EndTheStigma #wewontbesilenced