The weight of malice and unforgiveness

I had this bad habit of keeping malice and grudges while growing up. Because of this, I enjoy my company and my own space; it brings me certain peace that I can't really explain.

It usually makes me feel like I can do without people, so most times when people offend me or vice versa, no matter how petty, I keep malice with them and most times keep my distance.

Back then in secondary, I had few friends because I was mostly on my own and always sulking, so people kept their distance.

I and Sarah were very closed then and were mostly together; we shared secrets and things together; it was more like we were inseparable then.

Sarah understood my person and usually gives me space whenever I need or want to be alone, but there were days she would come close to disturb me because she enjoyed my company.

We had this senior who was a bully and used whatever chance she got to bully her juniors. On this faithful day, Sarah and I happened to be her victims.

We had just closed from class and were rushing to the hostel (Sarah made us late cause she had to stay back after classes to see her boyfriend) to we can pick our plates so as to go for dinning when this senior call us and few others asking us to queue so we could pump the borehold in turns and take the buckets of water to her hostel ,we pleaded with her to let us go for dinning and do it when we come back but she refused, we pumped and filled the buckets we were ment to take to her room ,while on it sarah insisted look for a place and pee in the water which i clearly refused( this is kind of normal in a nigeria bording school) but she went ahead and peed in the buckets of water unlucky for us this senior caught us.

We were dragged into the room, and she told us to catch out bunk (it's a kind of punishment). This is because Sarah insisted we were both in it. So I had to also bear the punishment; we stood that way for over 40 minutes before she changed the punishment.

At the end of the day, I was in pain all over my body, all because of Sarah.

I felt hurt, so I decided to stay away from her. We were in Ss2, then all through the end of our senior secondary, I kept my distance from her even with much pleading. She later gave up.

I harbored this unforgiveness and malicious act for a long time. Eventually, when I was ready to move on, it was late. I found out from my friends after asking about her and was told she died a few months back from an accident on her back from her youth service.

My bad habits made me lose contact, and I was not even aware of Sarah's death.

Am not there yet but am actually learning how to forgive and not hold grudges over petty things.