than it would have been if it had never shone.
― John Steinbeck
Written in Stone
I should never have begun this quest―I should have left well enough alone, except I've never been able to keep my hands off a sore.
If I didn't obsess about my dreams and my desire to unravel them, then I wouldn't be here with Kate talking about unspeakable things.
There's a fire lit, and coffee and croissants. Yes, there's a storm outside, but she snuggles close to me and we're safe and warm. Why can't I be content with this and not always have to stir the depths?
It was my choice to pry open the crypt and now I have to lay the ghosts to rest.
"It's not your fault," she says, "any of this."
"How do you always know what I'm thinking?"
"Because we're entangled and what affects you, affects me and we either deal with it now or it will come back to haunt us in our dreams."
"I want to visit our graves."
She put two fingers to my lips to quieten me but she knew it was in vain.
"It's not who we are, Si, but who we were."
"I know but there's a reason why we have these dreams and flashbacks of who we were. We have to do this or have a future filled with misgivings and unfinished business from the past."
"But what if it's horrible and we open a Pandora's box of troubles?"
"It's possible, but equally possible we need closure to prevent recurring lives of pain."
"I knew you'd say that―I hoped you wouldn't, but I guess we're in this for better or worse."
I kissed her deeply then whispered, "that's exactly why we have to settle this first."
After my morning lecture, I was sitting in the Hart House Grill sipping coffee trying to ignore the T.A.'s sitting across from me exchanging knowing glances and whispered comments.
I don't pretend to fathom the female mind but even I know when I'm the object of scrutiny and regardless of content, the subliminal communications can be quite unnerving.
My cell vibrated in my pocket and I picked up to Kate's cheery voice on the other end.
"I found it," she said triumphantly.
"Oh good! What did you find?"
"Our graves, Silly. What do you think I've been doing all morning?"
The incongruity of everything suddenly overwhelmed me.
"You're quiet―why are you quiet? Are you having second thoughts?"
"More like cold feet."
"Well, this is what you said you wanted. I'll text you the location―I figured we could meet there around four pm, if you're still willing."
"Yeah, I'm not exactly willing but I'm determined to follow through on this. I don't see any way around it."
"See you at four then and afterwards, I want to go out to dinner. It doesn't have to be fancy, just something to take our minds off this. Are you okay with that?"
"As long as I'm with you, everything is fine."
"That's good because it seems we've been together for a long, long time."
It started to rain again the moment I headed west on the highway. I could see the storm clouds building in the distance obscuring the escarpment in mist.
It was reminiscent of Wuthering Heights and its Gothic mysticism. But our escarpment seemed to part storms, possibly because of the elevation, but storms were inevitable and we seemed to be getting our fair share lately.
Kate was sitting in her car near the cemetery entrance and I pulled in beside her. She rolled her window down and motioned for me to do the same.
"Stay in the car while I get the umbrellas. I brought your North Face hoodie as well. No sense in your Harris Tweed sports coat getting wet."
I gave her a thumbs up. The girl was amazing and thought of everything, which is why she was so good as a realtor and I wasn't. I'm not especially observant or proactive―fatal flaws when selling anything, or just being considerate, which is more the case with Kate and of course, more of my deficits.
I began to wonder if I brought anything to this relationship.
She opened the passenger door and climbed in beside me.
"Here, put this on", she said, handing me the hoodie. "I've got the plot number and the cemetery faxed me a map of the grounds but it's pretty straight- forward. We have a plot on a small hill overlooking the creek. Nicest view in the whole graveyard."
"Well that's comforting," I muttered cynically.
She placed her hand on my arm. "It'll be okay, Si―don't be defensive. We're here for a reason."
I nodded. I stupidly had a lump in my throat and thought I could easily cry and hoped I wouldn't.
Don't be defensive? Yeah, easy for her to say when she's so open with her feelings.
But it begged a question, Why wasn't I―what was stifling me?
I was afraid of the answer.