Raven and the Fear - What I realized during Quarantine

Hello guys! 😊

How are you doing?

I am still laying in my bed with Covid. This time, it really hit me. But finally, today is the first day where I feel slightly better... I hate beeing trapped at home, and after some days, it´s really boring and depressing. 😅 I am trying to work in between, but I am too exhausted to do much, so that makes it even worse.

But well, I can´t change it, so there is no use in beeing upset about it... I just try to be patient and hope I feel better soon.

One good thing about it: I finally have time again to write a blog post. 🎉😄

The last weeks have been crazy full with so many things. So you might have realized my posts got shorter. I think this is another reason why my body just forces me into a break now. It was just too much.

It is great to be able to go out again after 2 years of lock down, so I was outside every day, because the weather is great and we have a beautiful summer! With lots of street festivals going on. So we were either going there or having dinner at a restaurant, going to a wine booth (I live in a famous wine area), or we just made a bicycle tour. I really missed all this sooo much, and it brought me out of a depression and into a very very good mood! So it´s kind of frustrating that I am sick now and stuck inside again... But well, it will be better soon and then I can go out again! 🎉

I just need to find a different pace. Need more sleep and give my body more rest. Beeing out every day until late was just a bit too much...

You know, there are a few things in real life right now that kind of strain me so I try to get all the obstacles I can out of the way. But this is not always easy... Covid slows me down alot right now too.

People who know me from my Discord server know, that I am a very honest and open person and I don´t hide anything. You can really get to know me. So I feel it is important to talk about this topic, as it is a big part of my life and influences me as a musician and artist pretty much. I feel I just need to talk about this. More for myself.

I need to write it down. Cause as soon as I do, I kind of "accept" it. It becomes real somehow.

I am in quarantaine now and have time to think about alot of stuff. And something became really clear to me the last days...

I started making Raven music in 2015, in this year I wasn´t able to work cause of an illness, so I was making music almost every day. And I made alot of Raven songs. It was going great for my music. The songs came I out great, much better than I expected and I won a song contest a year later. But as soon as a little "success" came in, I was getting nervous. I was getting very afraid somehow... Without really understanding and realizing it. I only understand it fully since a few days.

Since then, I was kind of distracted from making Raven music pretty much. By alot of work. Commission work I did for someone else, for customers. I did (and do) so many things. Like helping people with their tax reports (yeah... i actually studied german tax law when I didn´t know what else to do after school), making music for customers, editing audio books for others, making graphical stuff like ads and posters for cutomers. I do alot of different things that actually have nothing to do with MY music. And that don´t really help me much on my way of Raven.
Apart from earning some money which I need.

Well, things kind of changed the last weeks. I always only had a part time job (20 hours a week) the last years to have time for my music besides. But the money was never enough so I started with all these commission works, which were about 10-15 hours a week. The little time that was left, I tried to make music. So often I turned out to work 7 days a week, 10-12 hours each day. Or just didn´t have time for music.

So my passion, the thing I really wanted to do, faded into the background for quite a while.

I felt it made me very unhappy. But I always thought: Ok, if I am done with this and that work, I will make music. But this point barely comes. Because before I have much time, another commission work came in.

The financial situation changed quite a bit last week, when I was made head of department at my parttime job and got a big payraise! 🎉 That means, I earn enough money with this now to pay all my bills. So I don´t need these commission works anymore. I am trying to finish up all the commission works that I accepted now. I really thought it would only take me around 2 weeks, but now, making a list and looking at all this shows me how damn much work I accepted. And it is no wonder why I had the feeling that it overwhelmed me so much the last years.

I always felt as if I have so many obligations and commitments that really keep me from breathing. So many people call me everyday and give me the feeling that I need to do this and that. I realize, I always let them do this to me. I always felt as if it is my duty to please these people, to be ALWAYS approachable.

This needs to stop now. I can´t baer it anymore. I don´t want to baer responibilities, that are not mine really, that don´t help me on my way, that don´t bring me any further in my own life.

I was always too nice to these people, giving them reason to exploit me. Giving me the feeling that I am in their duty. I am happy, that I finally really understood this and I can do something about it.

The list is still long, I hope I will be done in 2-3 weeks, Cause I just cannot stand it anymore. It is driving me crazy! I already told some people that I don´t do anymore commission work after the one I am currently working on. So this is a big step for me. It took me years to say no. Cause I was always afraid that I need the money, and that people could be mad at me if I say no.

This is so sad. Why did I treat myself like this? Why did I let others treat me like this?

And what is suddenly really clear to me:

There is also another reason why I made so much commission works the last years. Not only cause of money or guilty concience or sense of responsibility.

But to drag me away from Raven. It might sound stupid. Raven is what I really want to do, and it has been like this for all my life. It has always felt as if this is my calling and this is what I need to do in my life.

But the truth is, I am afraid to put time into Raven, to bring my real me to life.

I always took so much commission work, so I didn´t have time anymore for my own stuff. I always had an excuse for myself: "Ah well, I would love to make music, but I just don´t have time. I need to finish this and that first. The customer waits."
And before I had much time, I had the next commission work.

The truth is, I am afraid to make my own stuff. Cause I am afraid to mess it up. I am afraid the quality isn´t good enough, I am afraid people might hate my real me, which is inextricable connected to my music, I am afraid I will make a fool out of myself with the stuff I am doing.

There are so many better producers than me. I always listen to so much music thinking: Damn, I wish I could do this, but I don´t know how!
All this is so straining. And so weird. I try to believe in myself. I know that others do and they tell me alot! And this is what keeps me going.

I know this is my calling and the universe wants me to make music. And this is what truly makes me happy and what truly brings me close to myself.

So why do I run away all the time? Why can´t I have fun doing what my heart tells me, and not worrying about the outcome of my products.

Why am I so afraid to follow my calling?

This is the question that was in my head for the last days all the time...
If this is the right thing for me, why can´t I just do it and enjoy it? Why does it make me so afraid?

I am realizing now, I was running away from Raven all my life, always finding different excuses. I am quite sure, if I hadn´t done this the last years, I would be far ahead on my way which seems to be predetermined for me.
I have all the chances I need. I just need to take them!
What is wrong with me?

I think about all these cool things, I feel I REALLY wanna do them. I am just too afraid.

• I was offered a music video shoot in Hungary next year. This is like a dream come true! I always wished for this. And I am too afraid to even start producing the song for it.
• Alot of people asked for collaborations and want my voice on their songs. I would love to do these, but I am too afraid that I could disappoint these people.
• I would love to start streaming but I am too afraid that it might be boring, or I might look shit or whatever.
• I would love to make more events in my Discord server, but I am too afraid that nobody will be there.

I could continue this list forever, cause I have so many opportunities or ideas. Good ideas even.

But... I am just too afraid that I might mess up, disappoint people or that I might need to realize that no one is really caring about what I do, cause it is nothing special. Cause my ideas are boring and the quality is not good enough. I am to afraid to realize that my calling is just a big dream, just a big cloud of dust which will blow up as soon as I come to close.

As soon as I had earned some money with my $RAVEN token, I hired alot of designers, thinking: Ok, I have these ideas, but I cannot build the quality I want to. So I will hire people who know how to do it. And then I am satisfied with the quality.

But this backfired quite hard, leaving me even more discouraged. Leaving me thinking: I will never be able to create the quality I want.

Some designers were really good, but most of them just didn´t do what we agreed on before starting the work. They did not meet the deadlines. Some never answered anymore. Others sended me unfinished products which I can´t use now and still wanted money for them. Some blamed it on me, others even got rude and even told bad things to others about me.
They blamed me for it, giving me the feeling that it was all my fault. This is still so weird.

I am doing commission work for 8 years now, and I have many different customers, who are all very satisfied, that´s why they always came back. I have and would never treat any of those customers the way these people treated me. So I do not understand what happened.

But it really gave me the feeling that it´s my fault somehow, that I must be a bad person or that I can just never achieve my goals, the quality I want, bringing the products to life that I have in my head for so long now.

I am trapped right now, thinking I need to learn how to do all this myself, but then the quality is not good enough. But there are no people I can hire which will just work responsible and treat me with respect. These situations discouraged me quite alot, and made the fear of bringing Raven to life even bigger. 😞

All this is so complex, and it is very important for me, because it is about the meaning of my life. About all I ever wanted to do! And about the search on how to be able to just walk my way, without getting so afraid, without getting so discouraged or distracted.

There must be a reason why so many people keep telling me, I can do this! And I should not stop. That I must go on.

What is this reason? Why can´t I just see it the same way? Why can´t I conquer my fear and just be me?

It it very important for me to write this all down. This makes it real for me. I cannot look away anymore. I cannot lie to myself or others anymore.
I know I must think about this, trying to understand why I feel this way, trying to understand what I can do to be able to follow my calling, to be able to become the real me, and to be able to become truly happy.

I am thankful that covid and this quarantine brought these important topics to the surface and I can now accept and think about them. I hope I will be able to conquer my fear someday and just do what the universe wants me to.

Thanks for always beeing at my side! 💜

RAVEN 🐦

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I am very thankful for everyone who supports me on my journey!!