My Wartime Diary. I am graceful, and I am sorry

Day 113.

Sometimes I ask myself - is my life really going on? Do I feel like keep on living? And how long can I live like this? Or can I change my life somehow, can I ... should I? I've never shared so much about myself as in these 113 days, on the other hand, that's why it's a diary...

Now is a good time to say to all you, who supported me during this time, and keep supporting -

I am graceful. ❤️

I am so thankful to you for your care and your indifference to me. For your big and small donations. For words that are more precious than gold. I will never forget what you did for me. You know, I have a good memory, so far, hehe.

And so I also want to say -

Please, forgive me. 💔

I am sorry for not being a such a good friend to you as you are to me. I wish I could be more active on Hive, more engaged, learn new things, check your blogs every day and remember your stories, and write more good comments.

As long as I have money to live on and there are no critical needs, I will not do power down. I want to remain a useful member of the community, a modest curator whose vote add a small reward to others. But I wish I could do more for you. And I believe that this day will come, but I do not know how soon.

I also must admit that

I was wrong. 😞

And you were wrong too. I'm talking about weakness. You were mistaken when you said that I was brave and strong. And I was also wrong when I said that I got used to it, and that living in Kyiv is no longer scary, well almost.

I don't know what exactly broke me and why it happened after 3 months of war, but it happened. Everything that I kept in myself for so long, because I wanted to be a good example and support for my loved once, all this is now breaking out. I weep every day when there is no occasion or reason for it. I scare people, and it's even a little funny.

A nightmare.

Yesterday, for the first time ever, I had a nightmare about the war. Not a dream, but a nightmare. I just started to fall asleep, and it's such a fine line between reality and dream, and that made it seem even more real. It was very quick. I heard the sound of a falling rocket and shouted to Nick - on the floor! And fell off the bed to the floor, face down, legs crossed, toward windows. I saw an SMS from Natalie on the screen of the phone that I held in my hand, - "Did it hurt you??!!!" The next moment I heard an explosion and then air raid alert, and a thought flashed: again, as in the very first days, first an explosion, and then an air raid alert. And next thing I realized - the air raid alert is real, but only it, because I'm lying in bed, not on the floor.

I was surprised at how much I was scared. I haven't been this scared in a very long time. I couldn't sleep anymore that night, and for the second day now I hear false sounds from time to time - either a flying missile, or an explosion. I am a little ashamed of this fear, but now I know how people feel who have left their homes and fled from the war to other countries.

I also know that I won't be able to live there, I won't be able to leave my husband and family. But sometimes I feel trapped.😨

We are all tired. We all want to return. But first we must end this war. Until then, we can't distance ourselves or forget. There are so many people who feel much worse than me, and who are doing a lot more than me for victory. That's why I'll buy a sedative at the pharmacy, or a bottle of cheap wine, weep for a week, maybe I'll even scream. And then I'll be myself again.

So don't worry my dear when I'm silent. And don't dare feel bad for me. I just need a little more time to get back to you.

Love you,

@zirochka

P.S. now I need to press the Publish button until I press Discard.