The Days Of Madness

in #life2 months ago

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I don't think I can make it.

The Good Lady called feebly from a deckchair positioned in the leafy shaded part of the garden.

Ach don't be daft lass. It's just a bit sunny.

I swigged the last of my beer and motioned for one of the pesky kids to rack me up another from the freezer.

One of them scampered off to fetch it. In the searing bright light of the afternoon sun, it was hard to see which one, maybe it was number two?

No, honestly. It's never been this hot. It's crazy. What is it now, forty, fifty degrees?

She flapped a hand limply at her face as if sarcastically waving goodbye to herself.

My eyes rolled like balls on a roulette wheel.

It's only 25°c. Piece of piss. Just pretend you are Spanish. Without the stealing people's stuff part that is.

I laughed like a loon thinking of the mad thieving Spanish.

That's a terrible thing to say. You know I don't like it when you say stuff like that?

The Good Lady chided me with a look that made her resemble an old slipper with the sole hanging loose at the front.

Sorry chick but it's true. Remember that dude, Paxton? He stole twenty quid from me.

I glowered blackly at the thought.

Oh for fuck sake. Paxton was Scottish!!

The Good Lady snapped rather impatiently.

Perhaps the heat was getting to her.

Milady, I can assure you, Paxton was as Spanish as they come.

I tapped the side of my head knowingly like Eddie Murphy in that film where he pretended to be fat and still funny.

He was from Edinburgh you tit!

The Good Lady hauled herself up through the hot and humid air and stood above me scowling.

Please, Daddy-Bear, can we stop with the generalisations about people. I know you don't really mean it but that's how things start. Paxton was as Scottish as you or I?

She hoofed out a big snort down her nose at me.

I raised my hand up to stop her right there but it wobbled about alarmingly and then flopped on my face.

Hey, how many beers you actually had?

She said, peering closely at me.

Paxshon was Spanish, because... Wait, was he Spanish or wash that Blair-Bear-Sore-Bum?

I felt strangely groggy as if I had had ten beers.

Oh my god, you are drunk! HA! You have had the kids running back and forth fetching you beers all afternoon! How many have you had?

The Good Lady was grinning now, occasionally darting forward and poking my pink slightly sunburned belly. For some reason, my normal ninja-like reflexes weren't catching or stopping her. Instead, my hand floated about weakly like Britney Spears's career.

I dunno? It's sunny?

As I slurred the words, the mumpy faced child came running up and slapped a cold one in my hand.

The Good Lady promptly whipped it away before my fingers could close on its sweet cold goodness.

Dearie me. Off to bed, go on!

She got me up and shoo'd me toward the house.

I staggered off, trying my best to move in a straight line.

She was right of course. I was drunk. Amazingly so. Then again, she was always right. She was lovely. And beautiful.

Like the Spanish.

Sort:  

Now that you mention it ... you are going to need a pergola on your deck to block the sun. I guess that'll be phase 2.

Wait ... did you mention that ???

Here's what I'm thinking ... perhaps don't show it to the Good Lady until you've finalized the design.

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Just think of how nice it'd be to pass out on those cushions under that shelter!!!


As a side note ... here's where we are with my neighbours deck.

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Against my recommendations, he's going with a railing that's not to code (horizontal wrungs that kids can climb on) But I'll admit, its looking pretty sharp. One more coat of stain and the colour should be close to the colour of the rim around the door.

That looks awesome!!!

It's funny you mention a pergola, I was telling my mate how far along I was with it and he was like you doing a pergola? And my response was, what the fuck is a pergola!?! I had to Google it. If only I had seen this beforehand!! It would be rather nice right enough but beyond my ken!

Sneak peek of mine

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I really aim to get it complete this weekend. It has gone on long enough. I do still to have bought far too much wood though!

Is that a thumb I see? 😲

Wahahahahhah!!! I will be seeing thumbs on this thing for years I reckon!

Thumbs aside, the deck is looking good!

I am quite pleased and at the same time bored as fuck of the thing. All I want to do is sit on it and get pushed but that involves finishing the fucker! This weekend, it will surely be killed!

Very nice!!!!

You didn't buy too much wood. You have enough for a small planter. (Colourful flowers on the deck)

As for the pergola .. I'm thinking I might put up something like the one above on my deck in a year or so. In all honesty, building a deck is more complicated than a pergola - but you don't need to spend as much time on a ladder.

HAhaha, I swear you are in my head!!! I just demolished the two old planters I had because i had fashioned them out of untreated wood and after five years they were beginning to look a bit sorry for themselves. I was looking at my leftover timber and was thinking, Couple of planters, no bother!

I am seriously tempted with a pergola now!

The one thing to pay attention to is weight. You want the "roof" to be as light as possible. But you also want the weight from the posts to go directly to the ground. If you don't want to bury them, make sure that they are directly above the posts that your deck uses (which are buried).

Here are some other design ideas
https://www.thespruce.com/free-pergola-plans-1357132

And finally, because this guys voice is awesome. (but he has some good ideas).

Hehe, as soon as I get my little ones to bed I will be watching that video.

I have some posts sticking up at the end I could have it onto. My original thinking was some kind of trellis affair to screen out my neighbours. Opportunities abound!!! Might have to wait for next year though. I don't think I could handle another project so soon!!

Nice craftsmanship 👍

Thanks. :-)

I keep telling myself to wait til Pura's awake before I stop by. I can't stop laughing at the good lady sarcastically wave to herself.

There is no gif online better than my image.

Hehe, it was quite the sight. A weird flapping like a diseased bird! :OD

Oh it's a bird?! I had a diseased snake.

That would work!!

Pergola!The perfect touch to that project. It is really looking amazing and I am pretty sure I wouldn't put it on until spring. Another year. Another fun project. I promise this one will be easier. (said nobody ever)

My parents always said it was the gypsies that stole everything, even the shoes on your feet if they weren't moving. The Spanish brought us alcohol, siesta, and Ibiza.

Did you get a siesta?

If so, thank a Spaniard. :))

The Spanish bought us all the good things! I think, unfortunately that I am a dick when drunk and blurble all manner of shit in an attempt to be funny.

My mum thought it was the gypsies too!!!

I think that's what I will do, pergola it up next spring!!

Nooo. You are funny. :) That is why we clamor over here to see what you got. The Spanish didn't bring us humor. They stood in the art line instead.

Yup. Pergola in the Spring. Keep cool and keep those posts coming. :))

The posts are unstoppable!! Maybe ;0)

I do like to have a project in mind. A people despite being all up in the air seems to be a lot easier in my mind than laying a lot of bloody word of a frame and trying to make stairs!!

Oh, yes! Unstoppable! I like the sounds of that.

You are doing it all wrong. When we need something done here, we organize a work party and get it done in one or two days. My family will work for a good BBQ at the end. The family calls it a raising. ;)

Stairs are a pain, especially the risers!

A work party? A raising? My god, if only we had such things here. If I got my family around all that would happen is a massive drinking session after which the place would be strewn with cigarette butts and beer cans.

I admire the ethic hugely, in fact I'm jealous!!

I have eight siblings. When I bought a summer home near the lake up on the Canadian border, the entire place had to be gutted and rebuilt. No kidding, right down to the studs. Most of my brothers came and my dad, they in one week's time, it was completely new. No kidding.

Then the beer came out. They partied like 1999. Wait. That was in 1999. It was my first real place. :)) The ethic comes from New England. Many hands make the load lighter. It sounds smarmy but, I can tell you, I have abused done for anyone who puts one together and it has a way of giving back and giving back.

I cannot tell you how many things I have learned doing this. :))

I think it sounds fabulous amd with eight siblings!! Hot donk, that is many hands! I have one and he is anot the most dynamic get up and go mover. Same with the Good LAdy's family although she has more siblings than me. We are cursed!

I might have to move :O)

I'm working on a good drunk right now.. I'm not Spanish.. but the beer speaks it..

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Wayhay! Cheers! I like a Modelo! I need to get my pesky kids to sleep before getting another few on the go!

They say drunkards, sorry people who have drunk too much and children always tell the truth, so if you say that Spaniards are beautiful, I suppose you are talking about their appearance and if Spanish women are beautiful, I don't know about men, But if you say so, I believe in your words, ha, ha, ha, but the good lady is beautiful, she helps you enter the house and she has a lot of patience with you, she is a very beautiful woman, and you are very lucky. , the children are not left behind, again and again you send them to bring the precious liquid and I do not talk about water ha ha ha, you always make me laugh, thank you for making life happy to those of us who follow you, well me yes because I laugh a lot reading and imagining.

I am glad you get a laugh from my writings!!

Spanish women are lovely. In fact the Spanish are great. I have a Spanish friend, Saul. He is an exceptionally funny guy. Clever too. Almost jealous of him! Drinking is fun but it can do often make fools of us all!!

It is true, they are very nice and respectful people, hey I would like you to see my last post, in one of my comments you say that I make a very serious post, so I am trying to learn from you, but I am not that funny, however I laugh a lot writing this type of post, I have fun and I like that.

I will check it out, I do like a bit of fun!

Lol...25° - Scorcher bro!

So, was this beer-sesh to celebrate the deck being completed, or just the fact you're not Spanish?

I think it originally started out as a break from the deck fixing and as a cool down refreshment. Then as the weather crept up into inferno territory everything just sort of got blurry!! :OD

25 degrees, I know, crazy town!!

I didn't know deck building was one of Dante Alighieri's levels of hell...Clearly it is though, but you've come through it well, with the help of a beer or twelve.

It is indeed one of those levels. I am on the home stretch. This weekend is it. I will finish it then. I just have to saw a couple of big long bendy bits and finished the edges!

Sawing big long bendy bits is so rewarding. I so wish I could be there to offer unhelpful and unsolicited advice to you.

#rightofpassage

I am sure there would be a lot of people that could offer such unsolicited and unhelpful advise. The Good Lady manages to throw in quite a bit which I find utterly fascinating! lol!

Haha, yes the good lady's of the world can always be relied upon for some sage advice dropped right at the most opportune moment.

#bless

They have an innate gift for it. Just appearing at that very special time and dispensing it. An otherworldly talent!!!

I'm in India and have my AC set to 25.
didn't know you followed Britney Spears career and that your mumpy faced number two resembles you😛

Lol. 25, that's insane!!! I just bought some Aircon for my attic where I work and I have it set to 17!!

Me and Spearsy go way back. Hehe.

Piece of piss

Hahaha. 😂

I have not even heard that expression so far.
I know piece of cake, piece of shit, but not piece of piss.

This is probably not an often used expression.

Its huge in the UK! PArticularly in Scotland. If its easy its a Piece of Piss. Most often used by men labouring under the summer sun ;O)

Those mad thieving Spanish will get you every time! Next thing you know they'll be pilfering your beer!

If there is one thing that will never be pilfered it is the beer! I will put my life on the line defending it!!

Of course they could always steal what remains when I get falling over drunk again :o)

The Spanish are pretty good at conquering and vanquishing and whatnot, so best to be prepared! Perhaps consider fortifying your yard, adding a couple turrets with guards, and maybe keep a large cauldron of boiling oil handy just in case!

Us Scots always hava cauldron of boiling oil on the go but it is mostly for fries!

I shall ramp up up the mainsail and ready the cannon tho. You can never be too prepared!

Never! Roll out the ballistas and onagers while you're at it! Those Spanish heathens shall have not a drop of your holy beer!

An onager!!! I knew there was something missing from my arsenal!! I can get to building one with all this spare bloody wood I appear to have!!

😅

Don't forget the Argentines, they like to steal are beautiful too.

Glad to hear it's sunny and you have found a use for number 2, and/or 1.

Garden Beers again!

Garden beers on the deck perhaps!!! I need to get to the beer shop, I have gotten lazy. I drink supermarket stuff and tell myself that everything is right with the world :OD

Dont you just love these thieving beauties!

I am drinking a supermarket beer right now, and it's a beauty!

If the Beer shop is open, you should!

I am just finishing the last bit of work and then escaping into the sun with a beer! Yeehaw! Estrella incoming!!

Had one of those with a curry last night. Not too bad when v cold!

Snap! A big Indian I had. Still stuffed. I think they are one of my favourite go to beers!

Sunny in the UK??? No couldn't be, haha. Today here in Phoenix it is actually quite stormy. Height of the monsoon season, we need the rain here in the desert, so I say let it come! haha

We are going through a bizarre unseasonably warm summer sunny patch. It's quite good although the locals are probably going a bit daft with it all. Including me judging by my behaviour yesterday!!

It's not so hot today, unlike yesterday.. and the day before. We had to give up on a walk... too fucking hot.. that's a first and in the Lake District.. just 5 miles south of your house.

HEhehe, five miles south...

It was yesterday, boiling it was and I sloped off work early. There was no wind so it just seemed like the heat lay quite heavy in the air. I think it got up to 27 up here which is rare!

Bet you wouldn't have given up if a skeletal derelict house had popped up on the horizon! :OD

No wind.. that's what did it. The wind is back today, maybe a little too strong.

It's strong in my attic, I bought an aircon unit. Life has never been so pleasantly chilly!

I rememdered i party hard that night and my friend poured me 10 pint of stella draught beer.the day was sunny and quite hot like 47° C .I made lot of good friend that night and everyone pampered me.next day i realised beer is the best friend of human which make you happy all the time.🍺😊lovely story to read from your post.

109 pints. Ouchy!!! I think we have all had a time like that. Beer is a shallow friend which you pay for the next day! :OD

As I slurred the words, the mumpy faced child came running up and slapped a cold one in my hand.

That's some good karma right there, respect.

I world like to say well trained but in truth they love fetching things!

You see, you've done something right to deserve that kids actually enjoy slapping cold beers unto your hands 😎

Oh yeah much like here. During the day, we have the mind numbing heat. However during the night, we have the toe numbing cold ;)

9 months of the year we have the wet and toe-crunching cold!

I knew some Spanish once. Then I forgot every fucking word...

They say the Spanish have no words only vowels.

I knew this once

I like women who speak Spanish. A lot. Because when they yell at me, I don't have to listen.

I love the yelling. I think I might get a Spanish wife. That way I can listen/not listen to my heart's content

It sounds so nice. It's like songs I like.

Reminds me of my days working for the cartel.

Or was that hotel, damn. My memory sucks

That was a motel. The one with the dead hookers out back.

Yeah, those are the most expensive ones. I can only aspire to one day be strutting round the back with a fistful of dollars ready for my turn

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