The Curious Incident of the Log in the Night-Time

in #life5 months ago (edited)

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Uggggh.

I stumbled toward the bathroom like a dishevelled zombie Tony Soprano fetching his morning paper.

Just two more days, Dawg. Two more days of work then freedom for the holidays.

I flicked on the light switch as the bathroom was darker than a Badger's boaby.

Hot shitting Jesus?!

In the doorway, I almost dropped my towel and stared aghast at the foul sight within.

Sitting there, bang in the middle of the floor was a shit.

An actual shit on the floor. A real live shit. On the floor? Not even a cute one with a curly tail or an impressive Wookie's Finger standing half-raised like a Cobra about to strike.

No, It was just a plain little shit. Sitting quite still, in my bathroom.

Despite only being wrapped in a towel for my shower, I knelt down and peered at it more closely to confirm my suspicions that it really was a shit. I mean, who would fucking shit on the floor of a man's toilet?

That would just be obscene.

It simply couldn't be, more likely, it was something innocent like a piece of half-chewed slobbery toffee?

Alas no. Close up it was even more shit-like than I had dared believe possible.

And believe me, I have seen shits that would make Debbie doing Dallas gag.
I like to throw in a joke for the old-timers. I have no idea who this alleged Debbie fellow is

I stood up ramrod straight. This just wouldn't do...

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You may be wondering why I have called you all together?

I paced up and down the lounge in front of the assorted felons and miscreants that comprised my family.

They were all sitting on the couch, guilt radiating out of them like the self-righteous madness heat from an anti-vaxxer.

As I strode up and down , I pulled out a notepad on which I had scribbled some notes and doodles of the offending shit.

Someone did a poo on the toilet floor and I want to know who.

I raised the notepad and showed them one of my poo doodles. Then I stopped pacing and fixed them with a beady death stare.

Anyone? Anyone have anything they want to get off their chest?

My eyes ached from the pain of swivelling in all directions to keep each one of them in sight as well as look up through the ceiling at the offending poo on the floor upstairs.

Daddy, that's not a poo. It's the wrong colour?

The youngest, Little Boom said as he peered at my notepad.

Huh?

I turned the notepad so I could see it. It was a fine drawing of a shit in my opinion. The kid was either deranged or a criminal shitting mastermind attempting to throw me off the scent.

It is most definitely a poo, young man. The question is, is it yours?

My accusation hung in the early dawn air like bagels after a boiling.

Daddy-Bear, this is ridiculous. It was obviously one of the cats. Now behave yourself. Let us go get breakfast.

The Good Lady made to rise from the sofa but stopped mid-lift as I rounded upon her with an outstretched finger.

Not so fast, Missy. Give me one good reason you might not be the culprit?

I worked my jaw furiously and scribbled a hasty note. Good Lady, acting guilty as fuck.

It wasn't me, I am a bloody adult?!

She sputtered in outrage.

Oh lady, lady, lady. I have seen many an adult poop on a floor and not always in a good way.

I pulled one of the dining table chairs to me and put a foot on it like an explorer of old.

But, you are right. It couldn't possibly be yours. Your poos are massive and are prone to blocking the toilet. So badly we have to call a plumber. So yes, I grant you Miss Big Poops. It is likely not you.

I snapped my head and sniffed as if scenting blood.

But wait. Who is silent? Who has said nary a word?

My gaze rested on the Little Lady who was picking assorted somethings out of her toenails and flicking the bits on the floor.

Huh? What? Me? It wasn't me. I don't poo on floors?!

She huffed before lifting a foot up to her nose and giving it an experimental sniff.

I shook my head. I was getting nowhere fast.

Can I see it? Can I see the poo?

The Little Boom asked eagerly.

Slowly a smile crept over my face like a ninja crossing a nightingale floor.

A fine idea. Perhaps a return to the scene of the crime might shake some guilty memories loose.

I led the way back up the stairs to the offending bathroom. Now we were truly going to get to the bottom of this mystery...

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But it was right there? I swear it?!?!

I pointed at the precise part of the floor where the wicked shit of all shits once lay. The area was now clean and shit free as if nothing untoward had ever happened.

Perhaps one of the cats ate it?

Said the Little Lady resting a sympathetic hand on my arm.

I shook her hand off and grimaced at the family, clustered, sniggering around me. I raised a finger and waggled it at them.

This wasn't over. Not by a long shot.

Sort:  

Haha nice...err and brown story

-- The only one I know that likes logs so much is my dog...seems by other comments its a common thing -- can't stop her eating it; gobbles those turds like choc chip cookies -- maybe you need a dog appearance by popular request haha.

We should get a dog, it might have on that kind of cleaning!!! :0D

!PIZZA

I was relying on you for a Christmas chocolate log post and you haven't disappointed me.

Was it surrounded by tinsel? Did it have candles on it or a glittery, plastic 'Merry Christmas' sign?

Obviously the evidence has been removed from the scene now so I think the mystery log dropper will be taking the secret to their grave unless we are waiting for part 2 of this where the mystery is solved?

Or could it be that you'd earlier come in from pub late imbibed with a little too much festive cheer inside you?

My money is on the young fella who has possibly been down the joke shop if they still exist. If your PJs are itchy tonight and there a farting sound as you lay your head on the pillow, mystery solved!

Either way, no oranges and shiny tuppences in your kids' stocking this year. As the man of the house , you need to assert authority'

Not a slightest bit of festivity to be had. I am baffled!

It was definitely there and definitely real. I rounded em all up and then it was gone. I know they are up to something. I just have no idea how they got rid of it and more importantly, who the funk did it!!

I shall deny them the shiny tuppences, oranges and worse yet. No stick and a hoop for their Christmas! :OD

!PIZZA

This was hilarious to read! I never thought I'd read such a brilliantly crafted writing about a man discovering a shit, very plain and shit-like, in his bathroom, and the foremost consequences of it mysteriously disappearing. I'm puzzled.

Hahahah! Thank you!

Someone has to write about these hard-hitting events and I find I bring the required gravitas... :OD

Boaby, thanks. That's a good one like cockade.

usually work on the hat as a badge

ROFL!

!PIZZA

And this is why I never let pets lick my face.

I have two dogs ... when the youngest was a puppy, I watched in horror (and fascination) as the younger dog ate the older dog's poop.... while the older dog was pushing it out. Yup, fresh out of the haggis press directly into his mouth.

That explained why ... when the younger dog burped, it always smelled like farts.

Ugh. Oh hell. That sounds like the worst thing ever to witness!!!!

I have never been a fan of dog face licking and now I never will.

My cats can be bad for reading their own sick, I am not sure they would stoop to eating their own poo but you just never know!!

!PIZZA

You didn't sniff their hands or check under their fingernails? Did you ever change a diaper? You reek of the odor. You should have used a *hit detector - a device or instrument designed to detect the presence of a particular object or substance and to emit a signal in response

Next time you find it on the floor of your bathroom, collect it for DNA.

Now, I really want to know who did it.

I think it has pushed me to the edge of DNA collecting madness! I am desperate to know who did it and where it went. The answers are just not forthcoming! It did smell quite poo'ey. I hope to god its not under one of their fingernails. BLEURGH

!PIZZA

I hope to God it isn't either. Ewwww. DNA, I'm telling you. Who is your money on? Or did someone confess last night?

No confessions. I am more starting to think it was the little lady. I have nothing concrete to base it on but I just know in my gut she did it!!

Lmao 🤣
I don’t know what's more confusing - the fact that there was shit on the floor or that it disappeared afterwards lol
I've never heard of a cat eating shit but if you have a dog I'd say the dog ate it. Our dog was sneaking into our cats litter box for a time until we put a stop to it. He would walk out of the room with litter all stuck to his nose like a kid with chocolate on their face trying to pretend like they didn't just sneak into the cupboard and eat a bunch of treats.

My bet is on the young lady. She seems crafty. Like she could pull something like that off. "Dear Diary, it's day three of my plan to make my dad crazy. Things are going well so far. He's already starting to question his reality." LOL

HAhah, that is hilarious. I can totally picture a dog and its happy face covered in litter after a secretive munch.

My cats almost religiously eat their own vomit which is horrifying to watch. I cant imagine them eating poo though. I checked everywhere to see if they had pinged it about like a toy but to no avail. I am still not convinced that my ever so loving family had nothing to do with it. My daughter did once miss the toilet when she was toilet training. No idea how that is possible but she did. That was some years ago though! You are right though. She is a clever one and such a plan wouldn't surprise me!

!PIZZA

So you haven't found who did shit yet 😁 Notepad or writing on wall might be useful to find who did it or prevent them doing it again 😁

Nobody admits anything. Its like an eighties murder drama!

I might have to put electric fencing in the bathroom or some such devilry :OD

!PIZZA

That's what's known here in Canada as a 'miracle'.

I've experienced these mystery shits myself.

USOs

Unidentified shitty objects.

They're everywhere...

USO, I have heard this. I confess to being an unbeliever until now. Now I have seen I cannot unsee. In fact, it feels like I can see them in my eyes when I close them.

Have I gone to hell?

!PIZZA Ido not believe I have offered you pizza before! :OD

No siree bob this ain't hell. We've all gone to Shit...

Are we even allowed to say pizza here? I thought that was code talk for pervert...

Shit hell. Damn, thats the worst kind of hell there is and I've seen some hells.

It depends what community you are in if you can talk about Pizza... In some places its worse than pervert.

As Mr T would say, I pity da fools!

I've been to hell and back and I still stink like shit. They smeared it all over me, man.

Pappy? Is that really you? I thought I could smell a stink that I knew but thought I was too doubled over to tell if it was someone else?

oh you have sunk to deep hells judging by that stink!

It's me sonny boy. Back from the dead.

I'm the ghost of all shit past and I came to wish everyone a merry Shitmas and a happy new shit.

I will drink a shit to that!!!

A fake turd surely.., did it smell of plastic?

It was totally real, I went down and sniffed it. It was quite small but defo real. I almost picked it up! My nearly poor fingers!

!PIZZA

It's not fair I want to know who it was that left the shit in your bathroom ha ha ha ha, I guess I'm not the only one, those who read your post will have the same curiosity as me.
As I read I imagine you looking at the shit and drawing, in the part that you say no, it's not something like a cobra makes me laugh, I imagine you looking and watching, but it was definitely not the cat, well i guess

I want to know too! NormallyI would believe it could really be one of the cats but they hate the bathroom. They have shat in many places but never there, it is a place of peace! :OD

!PIZZA

This story will continue, I wait for the second part, I just want to laugh, it doesn't really matter who it was, but don't let it repeat itself

I hope ig there is a second part it involves me finding the perpetrator and bringing them to justice!!

You are the judge haaaaaaaaa, when you find him, he must clean, so he will not do it again

There will be blood!!

Or something... :OD

Hello @meesterboom, I was passing by and I saw you :) I just want to thank you for your support, today is Christmas, and I wish you health and much happiness in the company of your family.
Thanks again

I have seen many an adult poop on a floor and not always in a good way.

So there’s been at least one instance of you seeing an adult poop on the floor in a good way?

Hahahaha, goodness, sometimes my turn of phrase gets away with me! :0D

!PIZZA

Mate... you're house sounds bloody mad from your write ups. Lol. As always a good read. Needed a chuckle with me night cap, and boom delivered.

I honestly feel that ever since having kids it has descended into absolute fecking chaos and madness. IT might be more relaxing in an asylum!

Glad to have provided a chuckle! :OD

!PIZZA

Ho Ho Ho! @meesterboom, one of your Hive friends wishes you a Merry Christmas and asked us to give you a new badge!

The HiveBuzz team wish you a Merry Christmas!
May you have good health, abundance and everlasting joy in your life.

To find out who wanted you to receive this special gift, click here!

You can view your badges on your board and compare yourself to others in the Ranking

Check out the last post from @hivebuzz:

Christmas Challenge - Offer a gift to to your friends

Ha, this is an awesome thing. I missed the post. I will be sure to spread the message!

Glad you got your badge @meesterboom
Merry Christmas to you and your family 🎅

And a very merry christmas to you and yours! :O)

HA! I click the badger link by the way and I'm still giggling away the fact you added the link. I'll be laughing about this now all day now. It's the little things. We had a few phantom shitters in my workplace. Everyone used to blame the anorexic girl but I would bloody put me house that it was Fat Tom. Dirty Bastard.

We had a fat Tom!! And he was the suspect in the toilet shenanigans in my place. Maybe there are fat Toms everywhere!

!PIZZA

On the ninth day of Christmas my family gave to me, some shit wrapped in a mys-ster-y...

Perhaps it was a glitch in the matrix from that other reality you were once in? Or an acid flashback?

Could have been a flashback! Not had one of those but taken enough in the past to warrant one no doubt! I suspect it is something to do with those pesky kids. That have more reduced me to sounding like a Scooby Doo villain!! :0)

!PIZZA

@meesterboom Hmmm. Case of the Disappearing Dump. Worthy of a Perry Mason mystery novel or perhaps even a Sherlock Holmes level Class ONE mystery. To be reverently perused by generations to come!! Being the young ones we are, since we both don't know the alleged Debbie, we wouldn't know about Perry Mason or Sherlock Holmes either but as you point out, it is good to throw out a joke for the elderly generation!

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Hehe. The older generation appreciates a joke without getting all the up about stuff!

It is a mystery worthy of Holmes indeed. Perhaps I have met my Moriarty? :OD
!PIZZA

Yikes! That is quite the mystery!
Not exactly the kind of yule log one might think of for the holidays! 🤣

Well regardless of such crap, I wish to wish you and yours bright holiday season even in these rather bleak times!

And the same to you and yours mate. Hopefully there is fun to be had amongst it all!!

I conclude that it was the dog:


dog log.jpeg

!PIZZA

Lol, I couldn't resist tinkering with that title!!! :OD

MOAHR !PIZZA

Caught in the act you bloody plagiarist! !BEER!

I plagiarised the whole thing!! ITs a classic work and I have written it all down word for word but just changed each mention of Dog to Log!

RRRAAAAAAR!!!!

I am going to plagiarize every article you've ever written except I shall change every fuck to a cluck! We shall see what you think about that!!

I will tell my army of chicken followers that you have converted my good works to musicals and get them all to sing along!!!

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(just pretend those are chickens)

I'm pretending!!!!


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