The Blue Venusian

in #life4 months ago

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Welcome back.

El Jefe grimaced manically at me from my laptop screen. He looked as if someone had given him COVID for Christmas. All shiny and sweaty like a Priest's testicles.

Guh.

I grunted in response.

You have a good New Year?

El Jefe tried his hand at friendly banter as if we were two lads kicking at a leathery old tramp in the park.

Mugh.

I made a face of disgust and shook my head.

Oh, I am sorry to hear that. Well, back at the coal face now eh? We missed you last week.

He sniffed and twitched a little.

I cleared my throat in a hacking harrumph of phlegm then winced as I swallowed down whatever muck had just come up. Not for the first time I missed having a spittoon nearby.

Judging by the struggle to swallow it down I reckon I could have lassoed a steer with the claggy lung-gunk I had produced.

Aye, back at the fucking coalface.

I leered at the screen in what was the best impression I could do of a smile given that it was my first day back sitting in front of the laptop of doom and I knew I would be trapped there for the next eight hours working for the man.

Oh, someone got out of bed on the wrong side! Anyway, so now that you are back...

El Jefe began listing off a gargantuan number of tasks and issues that needed urgent attention.

Some months later he paused for breath and noticed my face glowering at him as if he were a lower bowel bungee jumper and had just poinged right back up.

Did you make any resolutions for this year?

He simpered pitifully.

I took a breath.

Just the usual. You know, learn something new on guitar, try out some new crazy sex positions. Nothing special. You?

I wondered if I should lever my seat up because either it was deflating or I was.

El Jefe brightened at the thought of someone being interested in his fetid and facile little life.

Well, actually yes. I have. I have made a resolution to pull back a bit and let the team take more of the responsibility. I know it will take a bit of getting used to but I feel that the team is more than capable.

He preened a little. Like a dog that has not only shat on your carpet but then gobbled the shit back up and is now expecting much praise and congratulations.
and that's why you don't let them lick you! Except, perhaps in a pinch... down there.

I rubbed my devilishly handsome head and examined the Jefe'lump. He was going to be pulling back and letting his team take more of the weight? But he didn't fucking do anything? Literally nada. Except flounce. I remember he used to be good at flouncing.

Does that mean you will be expecting everyone else to... ahem... pick up the slack?

Inwardly I marvelled at myself for keeping a straight face as I said this.

El Jefe nodded as if bestowing a great gift and looked off to the side of his screen as if someone was tootling a noble tribute to his munificence on a bugle.

I know and don't worry, I will still be here. Probably won't be able to stop myself from butting in.

He chuckled like a big fat Santa without the beard, red suit or presents.

I have faith in you guys. I know you can elevate yourselves and meet the challenge.

He looked straight at me, no doubt itching to cluck and squeeze out a mighty golden egg.

Challenge accepted, boss man.

I saluted him and grinned the grin of a cat drinking gin.

He grinned back happily and ended the call.

I hmmm'd. So he would be letting the team take a bit more responsibility? Perhaps now, we would actually be able to get stuff done?

Oh well, no time like the present.

I stood up and flexed my shoulders.

Time to start on the crazy sex positions. I had heard that the Blue Venusian was a good one, if a little stretchy.

Time to launch.

Sort:  

But just think of the possibilities! The boss has convinced himself you're all working harder after this. Yet nothing really changed. I say milk that for all it's worth. "Ever since you gave us this opportunity, I've found I've been able to focus more, far more organized than ever, and I'm getting so much more done! So I'm thinking it's time for a raise. It's only fair. I'm not asking for much here. Just want to ensure we have a healthy balance. Certainly wouldn't want to lose my motivation because WOW! These have been some of the best days of my life."

chuckle

Haha, funnily enough tho. A lot of the words above are on my list of nonsense to say!! I will happily witter in about rising to the challenge and relishing the opportunity. Hahaha, of good, my sides are hurting. I do truly intend to do much less. This can be the year of the sloth!

Well he gave you the classic BS lines. May as well return the favor. Plus he's leading by example so you can't exactly feel shitty for going into lazy mode too.

He does love having his own nonsense served back up to him in a flattering complimentary way. He has unwittingly fed me bs to spout for weeks or more!

Ah the joys of 9-5 life...

I don't miss it.

I world be surprised if you did. To be fair, this one once was very special in that I did next to nothing and got paid for it. Now it's like karma is coming for me

Good things never seem to last forever. But neither do bad things. Deal with it... LOL!

My middle name is dealwithit!! I was lucky because I think it was meant to be deadwitchtit but my dad couldn't spell

Um, blue and undercarriage components in the same sentence tend to be a bit frightening, kinda like the visual image of a priest’s technicals.

Nice to see you back Mb, good luck lol!

Hola milady!! I would be nothing if I was without frightening) disturbing visuals!!

It's the only way to get through the day :0D

It's nice to be back although i did enjoy doing nothing for weeks!

Well howdy good sir! Trust me, even without the visuals you are most definitely something!

I’m glad you’re back and enjoyed a bit of do nothing bliss. =)

Hehe cheers!

I would like to say I am fully charged and ready to go but I think the festive beers dulled my fully chargedness a bit, lol!

Ah! But what’s the point of festive without the beer? Lol lol

And a slice of welcome back !PIZZA

I forgot about !PIZZA !! hurrah for sweet pizza!! 🍕 🍕 !!

My first boss (in High Tech) pulled back so much that I requested access to his email.

He would literally come in on Monday morning and delete every one of his emails from the week before.

Emails that would say things like ... If we don't do this, we will miss $1M revenue. He'd just delete them.

So ... every Friday, I'd have to spend an hour going through his emails for the week and forwarding all the important ones to myself.

The good/bad news is ... eventually, everyone learned to CC me on every email to him.

The Blue Venusian is alright ... but for a real treat, try the Purple Venusian.

Good lord, that's crazy. I am constantly amazed at the stuff they can get away with.

El Jefe's truck is to take about three weeks to answer his mails and even then only certain ones. He is always responding after something is sorted. It's annoying when it is then to question how it was done and offer suggestions. Gaaar.

The Purple Venusian it is. That's the weekend plans sorted!! :0D

I wonder what new seminar he has just been too. One that tells you to make your employees feel special, build them up and then dump your job responsibilities on them.

Now, if only he will keep his resolutions so you can run the company however you see fit.

Arent those seminars great? They charge companies an absolute shedload only to tell them common sense bollocks or just nonsense that doesn't make any sense.

He has probably paid for some self-improvement ones himself and goes to sleep at night with someone mumbling in his headphones about abrogating responsibility LOL!

Hello @meesterboom, I don't think you have time for sexual positions ha ha ha ha ha, apparently most of the bosses are doing this, mine also unloads on my shoulders and the others a lot of work, a luxury that they allow themselves according to them
I wish you a happy day

A happy day to you too!!

A man always has time for such positions. Its what makes life, life! :OD

You are absolutely right, without a doubt there is always time and if there is not, we will take it out.
A hug u happy day :)

If there isn't time then it has to be made!!

Haaaaaaa you always make me laugh and not only me, you are a very nice person, people like you are always welcome, but I guess when you are angry,they all run away, people like you don't get mad easily, but ,they do, it's better to walk away

Blast off!! That sounds a little dangerous or, at the very least, something that may take you out of commission for a while! Step back, El Jeffe, nobody will notice the difference anyway. Somebody take his zoom away.

Welcome back!! Was it as wonderful as you hoped? We all passed around Covid germs while you were away.

Did you make any resolutions for this year?

:) Oh, lets hear that guitar one day!

My only resolution was to be more Boom. Its all I can manage and I think I can step up to the tasks and deliver!

I have thankfully avoided passing COVID germs for now but only because I suspect I had it before and am slightly immune. Althouh obvs I have said that and I will get it and it will be awful. Such is life!

If you get anything, it will be omicron and you won't even know it. So many people walk around with it and sniffles or a headache and pass it off for a cold, then spread it to the next ten people.

Ewwww. And the race is on.

Can you be any Boomier? I think not! You are the original free delivery guy, it won't be a problem. El Jeffe may be sorry he tagged you for the job. I can see it now When you get to be boss, what will they call you?

I have a horrible feeling that when I get to the boss they will call me El Jefe and the camera on my life will pan out and I will realise that I have come full circle!!

You will always be our Boom. Always and forever. ;)

Word of caution: Before you try out that Blue Venusian, be sure to turn off that cam and mic. You dont want to do a "Toobin"

He was a chancer wasnt he! I mean for god sake, they actually have the little privacy sliders on the lappies now for such an occasion!

Although the paranoid among us, particularly when indulging the Blue Venusian like to stick square of tape of just in case! :OD

I use black tape. Just saying.

Black tape is the best tape

@meesterboom, Before I even say anything about the encounter with El Jeffe, let me ask - How do you know what a priests testicles look like. LOL. Its something that will bug me! What a mental image!! Hahahahaha

You seem to have somehow steered El Jeffe towards letting the team getting work done without his guidance (read meddling!😀). Interesting. Need to take a few lessons from you on that!

By the way - how did the blue venusian work out? Not to knotty I hope!

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Ah the Priests testicles... It is an old joke. Along the lines of, what does a priests testicles look like... ask any child.

Ouch!! Such a reputation they have!

I did steer him that way, or at least Itried but he has gone immediately back to his terrible meddling ways!

i would say how the Blue Venusian worked out but surely you know...

A gentleman never tells!

Butting in in 3...2...1... XD

Meanwhile did you manage to get resolutions done/started?

He couldn't hold off for ten minutes!

I did! They are ever so boring. Eat less, drink more, play more guitar. Record some guitar. spppppend more time with the children, give less of a fig about work, you name it, I have it on a list!

Did you remind him of his new year resolution when he butted in? XD

I let him away with it yesterday but I reminded him this morning when he was telling me how to approach something I had already handled and he was quite miffed but thanked me. I don't think he was pleased in the slightest!!

Bahahahahahahahhaha XD

Lordy, it has been less than a day and I can report that he is even more on my case than normal!? Nuts

LoL! Are you sure that's actually the case or does it seem like more because he resolved to not do that? :D

Hey, are you messing with my head!!

Lol, I suspect it is a fine combination of the two :OD

Yep best to limber up first before trying anything crazy lol.

So is El Jefe the owner/founder of the company or a boss executive type?

A boss/executive type, you dont see the real ones in charge until it is time to swish in and announce something either amazing or really awful.

I am amazed he has lasted so long. I suspect he is a slippery oily fish at the higher levels and does everything he is told without question!

Yeah you're probably right about that. He sounds the type lol

A snakey snakey snake snake!

El Jefe seems not like to have responsibilty. He altered the shape of him in a doggy way 😁

He hates it. He is like a shape shifting horse. He always seems to get away with it!

Just the usual. You know, learn something new on guitar, try out some new crazy sex positions. Nothing special. You?

Doing everything I can to get out of the financial discrimination as soon as possible. Not really a New Year's resolution, but I still do everything I can. Although this mainly depends on the Hive blockchain and the Hive blockchain community. Hive already helped me a lot. I can financially get through this winter thank you to the Hive blockchain community. So I am very grateful and very happy for every help and support.

Thank you so much to everyone.

Have a nice day. All the best. Greetings and much love from Hungary.

I think your are off to a good start. Hopefully you have an even better year this year!

Resolutions are broken within days, he won't let up, if he didn't before. Micro-managers.., hmmmff.

They are the worst. I knew as soon as he said he probably wouldn't be able to keep out of things that it was all just words!! Gaar, I hate being back in the hands of the enemy!!

Time to start on the crazy sex positions.

In his memoirs, Casanova went into great detail discussing all the ways he had sex with intricate descriptions of various named types of sex. But one he simply called “Albanian”, offering no description. Never having had sex with an Albanian, I don’t know whether or not to recommend it.

Hmm. It should like a cross between a method and a threat! :0D

It is definitely why I have a strict "No licky the facey" rule, ew, ha! I swear they do it on purpose! And what's the deal with people who share their ice cream cones with them? That is not the chocolate flavoring I desire, no sir blechhh.

So Mama dreemit has officially been on social media for a year, had to commemorate that one- if you want to smile today have a look ;0)

Dont ever share the licking! Filthy hounds that they are! Beasts in fact! Urrrgh!!!!

I shall take a peeksy! :OD

Nice read, I think after the fifth paragraph I started to understand a few words. Good thing you wrote sex position twice.

I like to repeat words. It makes me happy :0)

HA you can feel the tension. Leopards can't change their spots. I picture you with slanted eyes just grimacing at every word he says. Office life eh!

I do grimace a lot. I never used to be such a grimacer!

He preened a little. Like a dog that has not only shat on your carpet but then gobbled the shit back up and is now expecting much praise and congratulations.

🤣🤣

I love reading about El Jefe. You are some man to paint a scene 👏 It sounds very like the old fecker is offloading more work to you guys!

He is, he is a bad bastard!! I will give him a week or so before he gets punched in the neck!! :0D

PIZZA! PIZZA!

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Since you like to play victim.

Prepared to get zeroed when hive hits $0.50 and I buy back...

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Threats, lol. Are you twelve? You are fucking pathetic. Thought you weren't going to talk anymore, baby?

I told you you were false metal :0D

I am thinking painted plastic!

Silly Philly...

Lol. Oh I like that

Careful tho, he will stake up and DESTROY YOU!!

nah

Even he knows he's full of it.

I know. I like to tease him because I do believe he is playing a part as it were and all the snash is for show