That Ball

in #life6 months ago

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Hey, Mister! Geez at baw!!

A voice bellowed at me from the twilight of the park I was walking through after a long and depressing day at work.

I turned to see what Mr Shouty-Humpy-Knickers was wanting.

In truth, I was intrigued. The only time I ever used a shouty voice like the one that had just yodelled at me was when I had the Mumbai Shits and felt like my lower intestine had fallen out of my arse and was lapping at the water in the toilet bowl like a thirsty Alsatian.

In the lengthening shadows of the almost winter evening, I counted three young teenage scamps some 100 feet away. They were pointing in my direction, Mr Shouty-Humpy-Knickers appeared to be one of them.

At baw!!

Another of them cried desperately.

At baw? Was he French? Bulgarian? Worse yet, Finnish? Was I being accosted by a bunch of exchange students?

Perhaps, due to Brexit, they had been enticed over here to pick our fruit for us because nobody here wanted to work for fucking pennies?

Hmm, no. Surely not.

Avec moi?

I shouted back at them, hopefully in their own language.

Whit!? Whit the fuck did he say?

The tallest gangliest one, who owned the voice of Mr Shouty-Humpy-Knickers, snarled aggressively at his two smaller hobbit-like companions.

Ah hink ees French or suh'in.

The smallest fattest one replied.

He was an odd shape that one. Fuck, maybe he actually was a Hobbit. Maybe they all were and were trying to get me to join in, in the hunt for their ring.

Dirty Hobbit bastards. I wouldn't be fingering random rings, Sauron or no Sauron.

Mister, fuck sake. Gonnae just gie us that baw??

Big Gangly shouted again.

Hang on a minute, realisation swept across me like the cloak of a fish Magician.

These little people were Scottish! Like me! I could actually understand what they were saying.

It appeared that they were asking me for a ball. I looked around. There! A ball, a big muddy leathery ball.

That's it Mister!! The baw! Kick it over here!

The young Hobbits pointed at the ball in turn, excitedly yelling words of encouragement.

I looked again at the muddy ball. Some of the mud looked grassy, like something that has travelled the wrong way out of a cows arse.

Had they caked a ball in shit as some kind of evil trick to play on innocent handsome men that were taking a shortcut through the park?

Were they indeed hoping that this handsome, clean-shoed God of a man was about to kick what was literally a shit-ball with his lovely foot?

It was getting hard to see in the light but the ball definitely looked shitty. In fact, if it looked any more shitty it could marry Katy Perry.

No. I would have to respectfully decline their kind offer of kicking a smeary ball of shit. Today had been bad but it was not going to end up as that kind of day.

Sorry lads. No can do.

I said gallantly and jovially as if one of the boys mother's had begged me for a tummy rub.

Whit!?!

The little fat Hobbit was incensed.

Don't be a fucking prick, mister?!

He yelled belligerently through the ever-encroaching gloom as if dealing with Prick-Misters was a daily occurrence.

I tipped my head back like a shiny flip-top pedal bin and laughed.

Your maw's a prick, wee man and yer baw's covered in shite.
Sometimes there is a sublime joy in lapsing into full on shouty Glaswegian

Tossing a guffaw heartily over my shoulder, I marched on with clean shitless feet. Behind me, I heard the puny young scamps shout feeble insults in an attempt to make themselves feel better about themselves for playing with shitty balls.

Up above, the stars began to pop out in the night sky and I could almost smell the beer in my fridge.

It had been a long hard day at work but still, I smiled and did a little skip-hop.

This. This is what life is all about.

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Kids these days. Ha! Always thinking they can put shit covered balls over on us like we are too decrepit to realize it!

There is no end to their attempted cunning. They have many years of caking balls in shit to get one over on us!

French, Bulgarian, Finnish, Brexit and finally you found out that they were Scottish 😁

Sometimes you have to go round the long road to get to where you want to be! hehe

Lols,these is a great post.The UK boys always feeling themselves better.they love thugging alot
.Alsatian ,they're called. too funny UK boys.have a great day

They do love the thugging!! The ones around my way are rubbish at it though!! :0D

Hehehe, imagine that.you must be coping alright then.just becareful too.i always wish to enjoy they way someday

Always careful mate, and I hope you are always too!!

Hi @meesterboom , Those fools stayed with the ball of shit waiting for another to follow the game, very well done, you left them a shit, who knows how many people they would have done this to, the boys today are perverse,but as you say, it's life

I suspect they had had a fun day of kicking it at unsuspecting folk! They weren't getting me! :OD

Haha! Oh, my! An elf! Just in time for Christmas!

I had horse shite all over my mucking boots today and nobody offered me to kick their ball. I might have gladly, especially if the spoke, you know, Alsatian.

I hate horse shit on my boots. Now that the little lady is older and we take her riding now and then is seems to occur far too often for my taste.

An elf, of course! He was a Christmas Elf! I should have asked for a good knee sitting! :OD

Oh, yes. Those wild shitemonsters in the riding ring. There is no getting away from it with all the treats the younguns give to them.

A knee sitting? I'd pay good money to see that one. :)

Then I shall charge you mates rates for the knee-sitting viewing.

It will be a feast for the eyes :0D

Is the retina burn free?

I have a cream for that ;0)

Of course, you do!

Heh heh heh heh :O)

Alsatian. Dude I love it, UK hates saying German so much they call'em Alsatians.

Fish magician though, really? Danke!

Lol, you know. I never thought about it before but that is pretty much it. Nobody calls em German Shepherds here and it must be a holdover from the war. Can't have no Germans here!

The only thing we still call German is Gerry Helmets which absolutely never fails to get a chuckle.

:OD

Danke!

Did you read the example for gerry helmet?!

LoL

Lol, yeah.

We used to say, when impugning a lady's honour in school she's seen more Gerry Helmets than Hitler. Ooft!!

Over here you say that shit and it's a hate crime, over there it's sexist. Alsatian.

I used to call autistic children Alsatians to aggravate my missus when we were talking about that kind fo thing. I am glad I have remembered She fucking hates it. :OD That is probably a hate crime!

Dirty Hobbit bastards. I wouldn't be fingering random rings, Sauron or no Sauron.

Now that would be some movie: "In the ban of the Hobbit sphinxter" 😂

Anyway, have a relaxing evening and enjoy your beer!

I bet there are some horrible pr0n movies out there with some dodgy wordplay on the Lord of the Rings! In fact you don't even need wordplay!

I am looking forward to them dude. Nothing could dint that pleasure!

dodgy wordplay on the Lord of the Rings! In fact you don't even need wordplay!

That one is already gold! 😂

Gonna join you in that beer drinking joy in a while. Another Beer Thirstday episode ahead! 😁🍻 Slàinte mate!

I was thinking you might!! I hope you have some nice ones lined up?

Slàinte dude!!

This time it's at my Broah's place. Looks like a fine selection!

Superb, I like a visit to another home for a beering. Means no mess to clear up and the head gets cleared a bit on the return journey

This is a great post and it made me laugh. Thank you.

Laughing is the name of the game!! :0D

LOL! Oh MB, you killed me right out of the gate this morning with Mr. Shouty-Humpy Knickers” Alaskan slang for a pink salmon is the word humpy so I got a visual of a crotchety heathen with pink salmon undies, that’s word visual inducing gold right there!

Hmm, as I read further I see that my kind were most egregious in the manners department, filthy little hobbitses indeed! So happy to hear your post work ramble was full of shite-free footwear skipping lol!

Oh, I like that! Salmon indeed! I shall remember that for future use.

I love a mixing of words from different places meaning different things :O)

It was such a skipping shite free joy, cheers! I hope that you have a similarly shit free evening :OD

Oh me too! I’ve learned lots of glorious vocabulary from your posts over the years lol lol!

And I’ve kicked my bovine fecal matter covered barn boots off, so I think a shit-free evening is in the cards!:D

I am glad that I have served as some sort of purpose!! I feel I have a duty to introduce people to gnarly words and concepts which they would probably rather not have ever known :OD

Enjoy that fecal free evening. Those ones are the best! hehe

Ahahaha! This made me LOL, literally😂. The vivid images the mind has given me through your detailed descriptions even about the baw got chuffed😁

I am glad the coarse subject matter was not a horrifying one :0D

Haha, it was quite hilarious it made me giggle lots!

Well thank you very much, I try my best to add a little humour here :O)

When we were in Missouri my daughter- who was about 11 at the time- asked me what country a group of guys chatting on the side of the road were from- hahahah! I could make out every third word and she was awed by my ability to translate, even after she realized they were in fact Americans- sometimes accents along with strange turn of phrases really does sound like another language!

Glad you didn't get shit on your shoe! A cold beer waiting is definitely worth a hop and a skip :)

Lol. We are generally like that with the people from the east coast and I believe they might claim similar. It's funny when you realise that people aren't devilish foreigners of no fixed abode but in fact your neighbors, lol!!

The thirsty Alsatians of the world have called an emergency meeting to pool their finances and downvote this post. Just FYI

I suspected that this would very much be my fate.

My own hope is that they downvote it in doggy dollars ;0D

You never can tell what those thirsty Alsatians will do! Let us hope and pray for the best.

I am sure it was the ancient Mayans who first said, let not the thirsting Alsatians sup from your cup

There were a wise bunch

I'm surprised even the Scots understand each other.

I cant understand one of my mates and he only lives a mile away :OD

You are an adorable racist

Aw, I'm not racist!! I was mocking my fellow Scots for their impenetrable accent!

My apologies dir sayer



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Thank you!

LOL! Oh MB, you killed me right out of the gate this morning with Mr. Shouty-Humpy Knickers” Alaskan slang for a pink salmon is the word humpy so I got a visual of a crotchety heathen with pink salmon undies, that’s word visual inducing gold right there!

Hmm, as I read further I see that my kind were most egregious in the manners department, filthy little hobbitses indeed! So happy to hear your post work ramble was full of shite-free footwear skipping lol!

please i need 2 hive coin

I understand. Check your wallet. I sent you 200 of the finest hive coins!!

i did not receive anything i need hive coin I order to publish a post

Oh, for the RC's! There you go, I have delegated you 30 :O)

thank you very much

You are welcome. Enjoy hive!

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Yeah! We were glad to see you there @meesterboom 😊👍 Have a nice day!

You too, it was really good!!

HEY I THINK KATY PERRY IS KINDA HOT lolol

You paint a good picture Boom, i can see the field and the hobbit houses. And you kicking that shit ball like Pele if you wanted to.

Hahaha, I think she is hot too!! But she does tend to go with dog-men! :OD