Pounding The Dog

in #life5 months ago

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You are probably wondering why we are having this meeting now and not at the end of the financial year?

El-Jefe asked me with a smug grin from the other side of my laptop screen.

I snoffed hard out of my nostrils in return.

Wondering? Wondering? I knew exactly what this meeting was about and had been up all night punching the carcass of a dead dog that I had hanging up in my frosty garage for just such an occasion.

It wasn't until I had punched its back leg off and it had let out a forlorn wuff of defeat that I knew I was ready.

I had thought about sleeping for a couple of hours after that but decided to stay jacked and drank 14 cups of coffee one after the other until it was finally 8 AM and time to start.

So I knew exactly what this meeting was all about.

I was ready.

This was the annual pay review meeting. Bought forward for some no doubt awful reason. The most likely one being that it was almost Christmas and that was pretty much the time that Scrooges the world over greased up their fetid penises and shafted their employees.

Well, not today El-Jefe. This man's sphincter was not for you to make a balloon animal out of.

I believe the title of the meeting was 'Pay Remit Proposal?' That made me think it was something to do with pay and some kind of proposal?

I leaned back and idly chewed the end of a pencil pretending not to be smug.

El-Jefe chuffed good-naturedly.

Yes, the title may have given the game away.

He reached out for a cup and took a sip before setting it atop his massive belly. I wondered how quickly his tea would cool at such dizzying heights.

The thing is. We have a proposition for you...

He leered like a man-eating a particularly soft apple.

Oh? Do tell?

I sounded calm. Unruffled even but deep down I had started sweating like a Vegetarian in a Vegan cafe. What vile deal was he about to propose?

Shit, surely not marriage? Hadn't he seen my ring?
Not that one! The shiny one!

Yes, you are doing a great job. It has not gone unnoticed. You seem to have a winning way with the offshore bods in your current team. They respond well to you.

I tilted my head back and looked down my nose at his words. He was not one for compliments. Not unless there was a catch. Some kind of evil trap.

I could almost feel its steely jaws trembling around me, waiting to snap shut.

Again I snoffed through my nose at him. Like a disdainful horse suspecting its owner was raiding its Ivermectin supply.

You know the Digital Correspondence team?

El Jefe tried to sound casual.

You mean the shittest team in the place? The ones that made old Buffalo Bill take early retirement?

That team had given him an ulcer too, on some days he was so much like a fat eighties cop that I could hear a saxophone playing every time I bumped into him.

That's them!

El-Jefe rocked back and forth with delight. Then he stopped and fixed me with a mad eye.

They need sorting out. And we think you are the man to do it.

He started rocking and smiling again like a broken toy.

So you said I was doing a great job and as a reward for a great job you want to give me a shit job? How does that work?

My fists itched to start pounding the dog again but I held them firmly down.

We need someone to get them in shape. We need you... You know what I mean?

El-Jefe grimaced like an old woman being told that they used to call her Vinegar-Tits in the prison where she used to work.

No thanks. It sounds awful. I'd rather not.

El-Jefe chortled like the living embodiment of Baron Von Greenback.

I sniffed disdainfully in return. I had morals, standards. There was no way on earth that I would take on this rubbish team that had made the previous guy so ill he had all but died.

What about if we offered you this much of a rise?

For whatever reason, he wrote a number on a post-it and waved it at the screen.

My eyelids rammed shut so as to not allow my eyes to pop out on stalks.

What the fuck, that was loads? My place was normally so tight-fisted that they wouldn't be able to masturbate a mouse.

But to take on that team. The worst in the place. The team that had almost destroyed Buffalo Bill? For money? What price a man's soul..?

Should I? Could I?

What would Jesus do?

I opened my mouth and answered.

Sort:  

In a position like that ... The first question before accepting is ...

Am I allowed to "Work Force Adjust" as I see fit?

Because, if you can't move the shit out, it's hard to clean up.

Everyone gets a chance to assimilate to the "Ways of Boom"... but if they don't, they're out.

Then ... absolutely!!!

Using the term "Work Force Adjust" gives you some freedom to have some fun ... You know, when you take the lowest employee on the team, then have them transferred to a different team stating that "I believe this persons strength's will really add to the new team". Then giggle on your way to the beer fridge, recalling that 10 years ago, the manager of that team didn't refill the coffee pot -

Revenge is a dish best served cold

What type of an animal doesn't refill the coffee pot if they take the last cup!!!!

That my friend is the worst kind of animal!! Everyone knows it is the unwritten rule that you fill the damn thing if you are the one to empty it!

I do have that power. It is easier now with all the offshoring partner staff gubbins that goes on. I will probably be a bad bastard and work my way through em all. It really is the easiest way :OD

!PIZZA

Please tell me you have watched the movie "Office Space". If not, do so.

HAhahah, oh yes I have indeed!

When does your new position start? Have you already started dreaming about what you are spending the extra money on?

Just start taking some ulcer medicine now.....LOL..... and get ahead of the game.

I'm sure they will enjoy calling you El-Jefe's Mini Me behind your back, but what you don't hear can't hurt you.

I worked with a man that managed a maintenance shop one time. He seemed to whistle all the time. You could hear him coming before he got to the door. One of his men told me one time that he whistled so he would not have to fire anyone. This way, if they were talking ugly about him, they would have time to stop before he came through the door. LOL ~!!! How kind of him. You may need to start whistling. 😄

The New Year apparently! They have given me at least this Christmas to spend with my loved ones before they scrag me and send me to ulcer hell!

Thats a good technique for letting them know you are coming. The great, or not so great thing about the new partner model we have is that none of the people I work with (almost) are permanent anymore. They all work offshore so it seems easier to let them go as they don't really lose their job and just go to the next place their employer sends them.

At least that's what I tell myself ;OD

LOL.... all the better !

You're fired ! You're fired ! You're fired ! That was so easy I just fired three of them for you before you even started !

You're welcome.

Not that is the way to do it. I am gonna be awesome with these tools!! :OD

Ooh! Cliffhanger!

That team had given him an ulcer too, on some days he was so much like a fat eighties cop that I could hear a saxophone playing every time I bumped into him.

Does that mean if you take the job you’ll hear this in your head all day long?

🤣🤣🤣

Wahahahah, it does. either that or the Mike Hammer theme tune!!

I do like that tune right enough, could do worse with hearing that all the time.

Ahh, Mike Hammer. If you grew a stache like his you could subdue the team into submission with just a stern look, lol!

And that darn song gets stuck in your head with just one listen, I'm suffering through that opening riff on repeat now, aaahh!

His surely was the king of Tache's!

And now because I read this comment and it mentioned the song its back in my head!!! ARRGH!

Everybody has their price. I hope you made him sweat for it! You might have made out better going the alternate route.

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It was me doing the sweating over the piles of illicit gold on offer!! Alright, it maybe asnt that extravagant but it was a better rise than I have seen in 8 odd years!

HE will sweat later ;OD

!PIZZA

Ohhhh! You folded!!! Now make him sweat! Can I send you some TUMS now? You are probably going to need them. Nobody gives big raises today, unless... Well, some things are better left unsaid.

Congratulations are in order, you poor man. Thanks for the pizza!

I FODLED lol

They dont really give out big raises these days. I haven't had a good one in years. I am obviously gonna pay for it!

MOAHR !PIZZA

They really don't! We are lucky to have jobs. :) Well, not lucky, but the family is certainly happy they can eat and have a roof over their heads.

Oh, you are going to pay! Sleeping with the enemy and all that. Wait! Are you going to become One Of Them??

I think somewhere along the line I became one of them and didn't notice but I like to think of myself as a rebel infiltrator! At least until they make me do something heinous and then I will resign myself to be seen as a jedi that succumbed. lol

Oh, no! You cannot possibly do that. That is heinous itself!

But my heart will still be pure!

You're a Scotsman. I'm not persuaded you have a soul. Enjoy the demotion!

Exactly, we forfeited our souls in 1862!

!PIZZA

Holy frijoles, when I first saw your title I thought you had lost it completely and started screwing the pooch, so to speak. Happy to hear that isn't the case lol. Whip that team into shape and take that man's money.

You know I do like a cmpletely misleading title! Someone once chinned me for it and said that the SEO on my posts would be terrible because I didn't use headings and the titles were not appropriate to the content. I don't think that they were impressed with my answer of I don't really give a fuck ::OD

!PIZZA

Always go for the gold!
You are young enough so all of that other misery will fall right off of you.
The more you earn now, the more you can add to your retirement funds, so then you can retire all the more quickly!

It sounds terrible and it is obviously a sign of getting on a bit but I thought to myself, hey, my pension will go up, woot woot!! :OD

First of all... Jesus isn't real. He wouldn't do shit. Secondly.. make them give you the bonus in BTC.. !BEER

Sweet jeebus ain't real. Like no wine from water? No more Easter eggs. Dammit. I quit!!

If only they world pay me in crypto the missus wouldn't see any 😜

!PIZZA

And what she didn't see she doesn't spend

Exactly. My place needs to move with the times!!

My place was normally so tight-fisted that they wouldn't be able to masturbate a mouse.

Haha, so you should change your place for that activity 😁

I believe the mouse masturbation factiry doesnt have any places at the moment! :OD

!PIZZA

Congratulations @meesterboom! You have completed the following achievement on the Hive blockchain and have been rewarded with new badge(s):

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To support your work, I also upvoted your post!

Check out the last post from @hivebuzz:

The Hive Gamification Proposal for 2022
Saint-Nicholas challenge for well-behaved girls and boys

Ooo, the upvotes is nearing 100K. Better keep my pedal to the floor. Cheers guys!

Don't slow down, it's good for us @meesterboom 😄👍 See you soon @100k!
Cheers! 🍻

See you there!

BTW, your support for our proposal this year has been much appreciated but it will end in a few days!
Do you mind renewing your vote for 2022 on Peakd, ecency,

Hive.blog / https://wallet.hive.blog/proposals
or using HiveSigner so we can keep up the good work!
https://peakd.com/me/proposals/199
Thank you.

Heck no, I dont mind at all. Ididnt realise it was running out. I shall renew right now :O)

Thank you for your unfailing support! 👍

Always! :0D

Rubbing my knees now to read the posts about all the wasters in Digital Correspondance. It shall be an epic adventure.

Oofty, I dont think I could bore everyone with those tales. They might be good sleeping material for the kids, haha!

!PIZZA

So I landed here on @blanchy recommendation and I just spent 5 minutes belly laughing 🤣😂

Christ almighty, you're a gas man @meesterboom and a great story teller to boot. Some of the funniest dialogue and story telling I've seen here yet. Can't wait to see what happens next with the Digital Correspondence shower!

Hehe, cheers mate!

That @blanchy is a funny one himself! Nice to meet ya!

!PIZZA

Yep - another gas man!

CAn never get one when you need them then two come along at once :OD

But instead of taking the money you said "NO, I must follow my dreams" in a flamboyant fashion jumping onto your desk and tossing your computer to the floor, "I must follow my muse" and off you flew to write your novel in the granny shed in the back garden...right?

LOL take the money :)

That is exactly what I did, with a flourish that only the Scarlet Pimpernel in a gambling den full of Frenchmen could pull off!

In my head at least :OD

!PIZZA

I opened my mouth and answered.

: "It's a dirty job but someone 's got to do it..."

Or maybe:

"Make it so."

It was pretty much that! I'm a sticker for the cashola and can't resist a Picard moment! :0D

!PIZZA

A new challenge that pays well, who could resist that? And now somewhere there is an extremely powerfull laptop with your name on it. 😁

Those Picard catchphrases are golden! There's one for every occasion. Or so I think, others do seem to think they become a wee bit repetitive. Pffff, they do not understand brilliance. Hah!

Cheers mate!

It is in the repetition that they gain their brilliance!

I will have the same old shonky laptop that I struggle with every day. But yes, a new challenge is the way to look t it and not wading through more and deeper shit. LOL!

Cheers dude!

I have a feeling I'd be the only idiot that would consider the team in question (if they are really that bad) and the money on offer and gone NUP XD

this personality flaw is probably my worst one and it absolutely does in the head of everyone I know and love

Hope it's enough to pay for the ulcer surgeries and therapy that you'll be needing ;D

Congratulations on the payrise! XD

They are that bad! I am a fool for the money. The worst thing is they always have to get a con on me. It doesn't start till February but I start doing the job in January. It is never straightforward. Gits.

But yes, the ulcers will be something to pass the time! ;OD

!PIZZA

If it doesn't start til February then you don't start til February, simple XD

They sneak stuff in. Suddenly strange meeting invites appear. To get you up to speed and all that jazz. They are a clever and insidious lot!

"Job starts in February, start getting me up to speed then. Otherwise start paying me now" XD

I am getting them to backdate it , it is just annoying. Then again, Iwill be playing the two jobs off one another until the new one is properly paying. Its a twisted place in my head :OD

You took the money didn't you?
Everybody always takes the money

I wish I could say otherwise! But your right and he could have bought me for much cheaper! Lol

!PIZZA

You really have no choice in that situation because you're going to get stuck with the shitty team one way or another so you may as well get paid for it lol

I was thinking that. As soon as he said it I was like oh shit, if they think that's where I am going then I will be stuck there regardless!! Best get something it of it!

Well played. Now just make sure not telling the shitty team about hive. They might connect the dots and I don't mean polka.

They must never know! In fact that goes for most folk in my life, LOL!

!PIZZA

I would start editing :D

Thats a ot of editing. I should resign myself to my fate!

Hi @meesterboom ,14 cup of coffee, no one sleeps ha ha ha ha ha, thank goodness the dog was dead ha ha ha ha, can you imagine this man's sphincter in a balloon, poor those underneath, Better to run haaaaaaaaaa, the boss congratulate you, excellent worker, that was the idea, give you one more job, but with not very nice people, surely your answer is yes, yes , more money and you have enough character to handle those men.
A hug, more money, a raise yes , yes , yes

I do like to exagerate! They like to own us by making it so we cant leave. They must have had a suspicion that I was about to head off to pastures new!

!PIZZA

Ulcers be damned, take the money now and face the consequences later! !PIZZA and !BEER for the journey!

If only I could take the money and run but Iwill be happy with one side of that equation!!

!PIZZA yourself in !BEER !

Did your response make the tea fall off his belly resulting in screams of agony? It may have been worth it.

That would have been worth it. Instead I was like a fish on a line being reeled in and be sure seemed to love that upper hand!!!

!PIZZA

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@meesterboom - Digital correspondence team sounds like a team that writes Christmas cards to Santa that never get delivered. LOL
Hope you did not answer YES!. I would hate to lose a mentor and have him give company to Buffalo Bill (whichever horrible realm he lives in now).
You come up with such amazing imagery in the examples - so tight fisted that they could not masturbate a mouse !! HAHAHA. Damn- that image is going to stay in the brain for a while!

I always wonder how you take a serious subject and write such a satirical piece on it. I wrote about post covid world opportunities but could not even get a humorous thought in!! Sighhhh. A lot to learn from the masters yet!

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