Lizard Cake

in #life6 months ago

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When I am older, I am going to be a food taster for the Queen!

The Little Lady announced proudly from across the table in the cafe that we were sitting in.

A food taster? Whatcha mean?

I valiantly managed to say through a mouthful of the hearty Italian Sausage stew I was throwing down my neck.

It was a fabulous stew, it had some fancy name that sounded like something Madonna and Sylvester Stallone would name their lovechild. Fortunately, it didn't resemble anything that might have clawed its way out of Madonna's banjanna as she screeched Like a Prayer.

No, it was a glossy red and pungently spicy saucy stew with chunks of sausage bobbing around in it like a field in 90's Virginia.

Daddy, you know exactly what I mean. A food taster. You know, to taste the Queen's food to make sure it isn't poisoned?

The Little Lady rolled her eyes heavenward at the idiocy of men who fathered children.

There isn't quite the need for food tasters these days, lass. Times have changed a tad.

I smiled and patted her arm to soften the blow of telling her that her chosen career was a bag of shite and that she had better smarten herself up and think of something proper.

You can't stop me. The Queen needs a taster and I will be her taster as soon as I am old enough.

The Little Lady folder her arms sternly across her chest and glowered at me like a kitten angrily playing with a grape.

The Queen's ancient, lass. She will be dead and gone by the time you leave school.

I laughed.

Daft old Queen.

I laughed a little louder.

It was only then that I noticed my laughter seemed to be the only sound in what had previously been a bustling little cafe.

My cheek itched as if someone had flicked poo onto it and it was drying rapidly.

I looked off to my side. There was an old chap staring at me with a coldness rarely seen outside the Arctic circle. He was painfully thin but well-dressed, wearing a suit and a bright purple tie with a giant knot.

She will be lucky if she lasts till Christmas, eh!

I chuckled and nodded conspiratorially at the sharply dressed old Stick Man to my side.

How disrespectful!!

Stick Man loudly declared to his wife who wore a startled expression on her face as if reading to the end of Chicken Little for the very first time.

As always in a situation where someone could be taking offence, my brain beat a hasty retreat and let my mouth do the talking.

Did you know that some people actually claim that the Queen is a Lizard person? Like an actual lizard?

I stuck my tongue out and hissed in a poor man's impersonation of a reptilian lizardy thing but which probably made me look more like a sad deflating tyre.

The Little Lady's eyes boggled.

A lizard? All green and scaly? But she doesn't look like a lizard?!

She looked upward as images of lizards dressed in ermine and chasing little mice no doubt coursed through her head.

I sneaked a glance over at Stick Man who was turning the same shade of purple as his tie.

Perhaps he was a lizard man, a chameleon beastie? Maybe somewhere in his nethers, a leathery sack was filling up with nefarious poison that he could spit at me?

I readied a backhand of justice in case he leapt at me and I had to strike him down.

She wears a mask, little one. That's why she looks so weird.

I imparted gravely.

Stick Man stood up, his wife in tow.

Youngsters nowadays, they want to learn how to respect their elders!

He thundered.

We ignored him, although I puffed up my chest at the idea of being classed as a youngster.

Some say the whole family are lizard people and they rule the world!

I spread my arms wide to demonstrate the abominable reach and power of the Lizard People.

Stick Man and his wife stomped out with a chorus of harrumphs that would make a small herd of Rhino proud.

Maybe I won't be a food taster for the Queen then?

The Little Lady looked a little miffed.

I leaned in close and spoke in a low voice.

Quite right darling. Let the lizards eat their poisoned cake.

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She is 8 years old and she already stands in front of you with determination, well she inherited your character, well I think so, the best thing is that with the story of the lizard queen they managed to change your daughter's opinion, I hope that now she chooses something much more profitable and safe for her future, I imagined the lizards that your daughter imagined ha ha ha ha, my imagination was also activated

She is a strong one, of whihc I am very proud and glad! I would have been too scared to stand up to my parents like that when I was young!

!PIZZA

I am 23 years old, I am young, when my mother spoke I respected, sometimes I did not need to speak and I did what she wanted, but I have seen 5-year-old children yell at their parents and parents do not say anything, the way they do that your daughter change her mind is ideal, it is what I think

I admire your outlook! You will be a crypto millionaire before you are 30 if you keep up all this Hive malarkey!

You are a good kid. Don't believe in lizards. Its a fake story to ridicule the people who knows about the illuminaty.

Can confirm!

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Source

The internet never lies!!!

And there it is in black and white! This time they have to believe me!! :OD

!PIZZA

I cannot believe this, but, there are places on the internet that say she has a taster! So, the little lady is in business.

Then there are places that say, don't be ridiculous.

Then some say, she uses one when she doesn't know the cook. I just make my kids taste it first. They'll eat anything.

Okay... I'm kidding.

I had no idea you Scots were so loyal to the royals. Calling you a youngster should have made you bow down to him. :) I'm impressed and alarmed that she calls your bluff.LOL Although, she has no idea who she is dealing with. Lizard People. LOL

You know, I didnt think of that. I bet she does the wily old minx!

I always taste my kids food if it is tasty before I had them it and claim that I am just checking for poison!* It amuses me no end.

Half of Scotland loves the royals and half hates them. OR at least the south of Scotland. It comes down to a horrible sectarian thing that plagues Scotland. A horrible hangover from our feudal past and Irish ancestry.

Needless to say the country would be a better place without it.

I am taking the youngster mantle to heart. Gonna buy some skinny(ier) jeans and get my hair dyed :OD

Yes! Skinny jeans make you look smaller unless of course you're Larger than Life. That's just another whole problem.

But that's not you so go ahead and get those skinny jeans and do your hair fire engine red with streaks of purple!

Booyah!

I want to know how you exported the Prince Pink Lizard Harry over onto us. Now everyday we have to hear how he is jetting here or there but its ok coz Elton John is paying for their carbon footprint. Not to mention how broke they are coz his family of lizards cut him off while the companies here stand in line to throw money at them. Next time keep your lizards to yourselves. We got enough our own Yankee royalty with the Kardashian crew lol.

Isnt it amazing how well he is living considering that he is poor. Poor Harry! Poor Meghan! My heart truly bleeds for them and their lizard ways!

We can never apologise enough for somehow them ending up being your problem :OD

It seems to me that the world is ruled by Chaos and that is why such a mess.

I would very heartily agree but then doesn't order come from chaos? Maybe we are on he right track!

Although I doubt it :OD

I remember reading somewhere that they are not allowed to use garlic in the royal cuisine....I am not sure it would be fun as there are so many things to respect and it would take all the joy from experimenting with whatever one has in their fridge.
Do people still admire royal family? I wonder ..why..

So they are vampire lizard lords!! What an unholy combo.

It looks like people still do. In Scotland actually it is quite bad. The place is full of Royalists. Daft buggers :OD

Ahh David Icke and his shapeshifting lizard people theory. Probably my favorite of the conspiracy theories out there. It's has a bit of everything.

It's a wild one. It's funny how David Icke had gone from utter laughing stock back in the day to almost a respected source of counter government narrative. Ah the madness of the modern world!!

!PIZZA

Yeah when you listen to what he says it's actually quite smart and thought provoking. If he just dropped the lizard people idea 🤣

Then again, 🤔 maybe it's genius. He flies under the radar and isn't assinated by the elite ruling class (a.k.a. lizard people) because everyone thinks he's crazy. But his ideas and findings of evil from behind the curtain still get disseminated throughout the world... quite genius really.

Lol. Everyone who speaks out against the elite ruling class gets assassinated right?

They always get assassinated. There is no other way for them to live (die)

Perhaps he is a genius. Maybe even an evil one. Possibly be is the lizard lord hiding in turquoise tracksuited plain sight!!

That or he's a shape-shifting fox person and he's trying to draw attention away from his own species and put it on another 🙃

Neverr trust them foxes!

I didnt think of that but it could be. There are a host of the shapeshifting muthfunkas!! Theu are not only at war with us but with each other!

:-) Galactic Histories on Vimeo has some very well researched synopses of how e.g. reptilians fit into our current reality. There's a great deal of evidence currently flooding into the collective conscious - it can't easily be discounted when you dig deep and find how everything joins up.

You still got some on your cheek.

I know. It's itchy but I don't want to disturb it. I am wearing my filth like a badge of honour.

!PIZZA

I upvoted my own comment today. Second time I've ever done that. I feel pretty dirty too.

Oh you filthy filthy beast!!!

I hope you had a good cause and it was to poke someone in the eye!

Hahaha! I love how you manage to make me think of two of my favorite movies here: ( the chestburster scene in ) Alien and Jurassic Park! Cool story!

I try to shoe in as many movies as I can!! Cheers dude!!

Awesome! Another reason for me ( as a film geek, former film student and filmmaker on a lengthy hiatus ) to keep a closer eye on your feed.

Fucking hell. Now the pressure is on, what if I crack!!! :0)

better to crack than to ( chest ) burst, I guess...

There isn't any purer idiocy than the idiocy of men who fathered children.

It is a special idiocy. If there was a heaven that I believed in then there would surely be a special place in it for those kind of idiots :OD

!PIZZA

:D freaks of nature

Lizard freaks!!

i once had a beverage with an ex girlfriend that came with a lizard in the bottom (the bottle, not the girlfriend) we had a great time that night.

A lizard. Thats flipping awesome. I have had mescal with the little worm. It had many urban legends when I was young so I was a little underwhelmed when I had it that I wasn't riding a unicorn ship powered by rainbows through the universe.

I would love to try a lizardy one!

!PIZZA

the lizard one was "interesting" because you know a lot of it's hype but they big it up and say it's an aphrodisiac and yada yada but yeah, weird nice, good nice but it was like finding a potion in the temple of doom or something.

That's exactly the way they should market these things. If I saw any drink saying it's like a potion in the temple of Doom I would have it bought.

I am a sucker for quirkiness. And if it was in the slightest aphrodisiacal. (Not sure if that's a word), then all the better!

exactly right? they should have had some colour changing led's behind it too for extra buzz factor! :)

Hahahah, I love them too. Oh dear, I should have a word with myself.

This is a beautiful write up, I love her confidence .

She is a confident lass which I love too!

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Beautiful write up

Thank you, I dont often write poetry but when I do I try to evoke a certain passion in the reader

As your biggest lizard fan I must say your poetry has evoked so much passion within me. Thank you. !PIZZA

Such poetry!! I am glad someone saw that one, lol

!PIZZA !

Hahaha! It's a hard world for the UnPC these days. People are so stinking sensitive, whatever happened to Sticks and Stones? Pfft. Bunch o' Sally's!