Listen. It's about the Americans.

El-Jefe rumbled like a night train pulling into a station.

We were in the office. In one of the swanky multicoloured new meeting rooms. One wall was a mural of trees and another had a gigantic picture of a woman laughing on a rope swing.

Our interior design team obviously spent too much time drinking Mojitos and frantically tugging at their collective penises whilst braying loudly about synergistic energies.

The Americans?

I said this almost hesitantly.

Holy shit, weren't we allies with the Americans? In fact, were our nations not friends? What heinous activities was I about to be made aware of? Would I be expected to get out the rubber wetsuit and harpoon gun again?

Yes, our American friends...

El-Jefe pursed his lips and rested his chin on his hands like a diseased and swollen St Bernard dog.

The thing is, Boom-Boom. They are in a different time zone to us and some upstairs feel that it isn't working.

At the mention of upstairs, he tried to motion upward with his eyes but the crushing weight of his blubbersome brows put paid to any such notion like that.

Yes, it is a royal pain in the arse. They don't start till one o'clock. Lazy bastards.

I chuckled, calling someone a bastard in work always made me chuckle. There is something pleasingly bastardly about it.

El-Jefe crinkled his nose in distaste at my language. As if I had thrown a goat's penis into some hot water and served it up to him as tea.
_{^{Goat Penis Tea, or Goat Tea is not to be confused with the outrageously offensive "goatse" which did the rounds of the early wild west days of the world wide web.}}

Well, yes. Anyway. The senior management team are wondering what mitigations we can put in place to counter this clash of working days...

He clucked his tongue contentedly like a Russian shaving a hamster.

I leaned back in my chair and gave him a hard look. The very same kind of look I give the local seagulls when I go out to the car and something has shat on my windscreen.

Do go on?

I said disinterestedly as if he were a man that was conveniently doing some jobs in the area and wondering if perhaps my gutters needed cleaning.
^{_{I've got news for you mate. If I want my pipes cleaned I will be popping round and seeing your missus whilst you are out scratching for pennies in other peoples dirt.}}

Well, the team over there are quite spread out and there are various logistical complications around them switching to working UK time. I mean, they would have to start at four AM!

El-Jefe waved his arms in consternation like a simmering lobster.

Yes, so what is the proposed plan?

By now my stare sparkled with frost and danger.

El-Jefe harrumphed and fidgeted in his chair as if he had taken receipt of the Russian's shaved hamster and inserted it into his back bin.

So, perhaps you and your team would like to... Um... temporarily let us say... Errrrm, adopt American time? For a time, pardon the pun?

His eyes were wide open and beseeching like that fucking cat robber thing in Shrek.

American time.

I said flatly.

Um yes, would you fancy it? Or perhaps you would like to think on it? It would only be for five or six months..?

He smiled like an Italian talking of the old country.

You want myself and the team to consider starting at midday and working till nighttime?

I said trying my best not to scream like a berserker and psychotically smashing the place up with the chair that I sat on.

Yes, it would get us out of this jam. What do you say, give it a try?

I took a deep calming breath.

No thank you, Mr Boss. Much as I appreciate the offer, my family comes first and I don't think that would work out.

I clapped a hand to my heart in an attempt to look sincere like a gay swordsman trying to impress a lady in a 30s movie by wearing tights and a moustache.

Hmm, right. Tell you what, why don't you take the weekend to think it over?

El-Jefe too tried to look sincere but instead looked more like a bullfrog eating a murder hornet.

I nodded and made to leave.

Oh, would you like a cup of tea?

I asked politely.

That would be fabulous, thank you!

I grinned and faked a bow on my way out.

Tea eh? Oh, you will get a cup of tea all right. Just as soon as I manage to find a fucking goat's penis