The big and the little struggles.

Hi!
So sorry I've been away for a few days but I've been super busy.
My health kicked off again, I've been unable to do much plus I've been sick a lot recently and my mental health took a massive hit.

However, yesterday I managed to do my first photoshoot of the year and I took my partner on a date.
Because whoever said girls can't take boys on dates lied, they deserve to be happy as well!

And @only1al was definitely happy ❤️

Being ill is not fun, not only for me but for people around me as well.
That includes my partner, my daughter and a lot of my friends.
Being ill is sometimes embarrassing.
Especially when you puke your guts out and your partner strokes your back hoping that you won't die right here right now.

I will definitely do a post about how my physical and mental health affects my life, today I just want to rant.

Since Christmas I had covid, I was down because it ruined all my plans but I didn't feel overly bad. There was no covid side effects, just the test was positive.
What sucks a lot but at least i got to quarantine with my boyfriend, so that saved us a bit.
Playing pokemon Unite on Switch and watching The Good Place.

Today I'm ill.
After spending majority of my evening throwing up, I feel like I've been hit by a train.
My illness affects my muscles a lot, they having uncontrollable spasm, weird twitches.
Unfortunately stomach is a muscle as well, so when the cramps come, there is not much I can do.

Sometimes I can control myself but slowing down my heart beat and meditating, unfortunately it doesn't work all the time.

People see me and go 'oh how can you be ill, you are so young, you look okay TO ME' and honestly, I want to punch the twat.
Not all illness are visible, not all illness are 'old people problem', some attack young people, some don't show up till it's too late.

That's why despite being in an actual agony last night, I managed to spend a fabulous day with my partner and my child.
I even had a photoshoot in the morning!
For most of people 'doing a photoshoot and going for a dessert' is nothing and doesn't sound like a lot.
For me unfortunately it is a lot.
My bones are on fire most of the time, sometimes I wear clothes that are so heavy they physically hurt me.
Sometimes even duvet is too heavy on me, or my partner's hug.

By Rob Lycett, on a cold Monday morning.

So I take life as it is, I'm enjoying what I can and when I can.

I don't pity myself, I'm just aware of my limits.
I don't sit here crying that I'm ill and life is so unfair (I mean it is, like 100% unfair)
Im just trying to make the most out of it, because we don't know what is gonna come tomorrow.
Like I said to my partner, 20 years ago, there was not much information about invisible illnesses, now we made a massive progress and thanks to meds and regular check ups I can still enjoy life.
So who knows, maybe in 20 years there will be a cure?
Maybe new meds gonna make me feel better?
I'm super positive!

It's okay to have bad days, it's okay to question if it's all worth it. It's okay to give up as well, some things we have to give a massive pass.
What is not okay is telling people 'you can't feel that bad' or 'Others have it worse'.
As much other may have it worse, that should not undermine how we feel.
We are allowed to express the fact we are not doing okay.
Pain is very personal.
Suffering is very personal.

So for me my small victory of first month of 2022 is having a photoshoot and going out for a date.
And I'm very proud of myself. It's not much but it's something.
Small victories are valid.
Out feelings are valid.
Our pain is valid.

We try our best.
Maybe my best is different than your best and that's cool! Maybe your best is better than mine but I won't let that put me off.

Don't let anyone make you feel shit because 'you are not trying hard enough'
Sometimes we all can do as much as we can. Healthy or not.