Worst Thing to Ask Me
I think I’m losing it. I can’t think anymore. I’m in retreat and barely want to speak. Words fail me. Stopped up. Plugged up. Utter refusal. It’s taken me a month to notice this encroaching withdrawal that’s set in. I have nothing to say. I have everything to say. Words fail me. I can’t say what I want to say. I’m not allowing myself to do that. I’ve been slowly silencing myself. It’s easier. It’s not easier. Words fail me. Between a rock and a hard place. Stuck. I don’t know why. I do know why.
In person is far worse than online; at least it is for me. There’s no complete unplugging from the real world. I’ve made an art form out of creating ways to do that for the last ten years. I have some techniques. It’s not enough these days though. I think I’m losing it. My patience isn’t there for faking it, for saying what people want to hear. Its better I not speak at all. Self-silenced, shut those words down. Go do visual art instead. One thing I love about visual art; words are not required. Somehow that always feels safer.
One of the shops I have frequented for a long while, they know me on sight. Never think you can be completely anonymous in a big city. There are only degrees of that. Every time I enter this shop, I get asked, “How are you?” At this point, I no longer want to answer that question at all. My usual answer of “Okay” is no longer workable. I have started answering that question with “Same”.
On this occasion, there was a follow up question of, “How are you feeling?” What is this, therapy at the corner store? I’m not answering that. I’m afraid of what I might say. Instead, I gently explain that I don’t want to be asked how I am, that it’s just something people ask, but are rarely interested in knowing. The only answer I’ll give is “same”, same as yesterday and the days before that. They have the idea now. I’m losing it.
Some fun (read not fun) event occurred last week that prompted a call to a relative to advise them. It’s been months since we spoke. I didn’t want to call but it was necessary. News delivered with zero expectations. Job done.
Some strange pulsing sound pounded out of the cabinet by my desk yesterday. What the heck is that unfamiliar sound? Oh, oh, right, that’s a phone ringing, seems to be mine. I’d already forgotten about the call I made two days prior, too busy dealing with my own crap. Didn’t expect any call back.
One of the first questions on answering was, “How are you?” I didn’t bat an eye or think. I said quite simply, “I’m preparing for death”. An uncomfortable chuckle ensues. Yes, I’m joking. No, I’m not joking. On the conversation went. Repeat, repeat, repeat of things I’ve said already. No information on that end about the situation that is unfolding in family, again, second time around of similar scenario. This time I’m waiting for it. End of conversation. I’ve had enough. I’m definitely losing it. Self-imposed silence never sounded so sweet while I beat my retreat. Words fail me.
All photos taken by Nine with a Pentax digital 35mm camera and 90mm Tamron macro lens.
Hi, it's been a while, Amica. I have a lot to talk about,
I also have a lot of nothin' to talk about. Errm, “same”...
...𝔻𝕀𝕊ℂ𝕆𝕍𝔼ℝ𝕐 𝟚𝟝...
...!discovery 25...
It has been a while. Thank you @stayten, I really appreciate the support! Very cool gif. I figured you are "same" ;)
reminds me of my dad, he used to say the same thing:
he said we would have to answer with "im okay", because u know, that moral duty of being honest with our fellow citizens hahah and I remember agreeing with this and feeling his bitterness, lol, now I guess I still do agree, but I answer whatever to this question now when in the past I tried to do as him, lol, I barely remember the annoying small talk anymore, so I don't remember what I answered, lmao. I guess I dont care anymore(? I don't even want to think of it, kinda a waste of time now, somehow.
in any case, what i mean is that I FEEL YA.
Nice post n nice pics! :)
"Whatever" is a good answer, lol, although I know you mean whatever you decide to say in the moment. I selected "same" because you use that word, although in a different context. I borrowed it for this context.
Thank you @ailindigo!
It’s disturbing how relatable this is to me. Lately I’ve responding ‘I’m alive’ to the how are yous. Alive because I’m breathing and existing but not because I actually feel alive.
I’m losing it too. X.
Given where you are, I can see why. Alive. Yes. That is enough, imo. It's not living though, it's just existing. Each day, I focus on these very small things, things most don't pay attention to, to get some enjoyment out of each day. Things like clean drinking water, how wonderful it is to enjoy drinking a glass of that water. Something I've been grateful for my whole life. I doubt that people here even give that a thought. Small things matter. Hugs. X.
On a more serious note, when i'm asked how i'm doing or how things are I also struggle to engage with such mundane pleasantries. There's no stock standard response so I come up with something on the fly and have noticed my answers are becoming more brutally honest (which is great!).
Here's a conversation with the only cafe left in this city I go to
Q: How's your day? Been busy, boss?
A: No, I'm still trying to figure out what to do. I lost my job over the "vaccine" mandates.
Q: Oh, that's no good.... embarrassed silence
Q: Hopefully.. cut him off
A: "Hopefully" is what got me, you, us into this situation and hopefully wont help anyone get out of it.
A: Have a great day and see you next time!!!!
Take my coffee and leave
I wish I could be a little bird nearby listening to your responses. I like how you cut it off and got to the point, then see ya, with "have a great day". If Australia gets any more like Canada, I'm going to feel like I'm living there, not here, minus all those wonderful birds.
Yesterday, I tried out two new responses. First situation (office in my building), two people, asking me how I am. I ignored both questions and focused on the reason I was there. They let it go. After that, I had the thought that I can simply get away with ignoring this question.
Second situation was a different shop I frequent. That time, I preempted the question by striking first with "How are you?" Shop keeper answered me, then asked me a couple times quickly "How are you? How are you?", which I directed into commenting on the weather (#1 Canadian safe topic), smoothly surpassing the question. With that exchange, I realized I'm just talking to a robot on repeat, wanting the "correct" input, before it can perform the next calculation.
I was more satisfied with the outcome from the first situation. Frankly, I don't even want to waste energy verbalizing anything. It's at that point. Last year, a friend said this to me..."Talk is silver, silence is gold." I see a great deal of value in silence, now more than ever before.
Seems like we're both doing OK... Ordinarily KO'd from Babylon and the never ending bullshit and noise...
I just wish to close my eyes and find peace for once, damned train of thoughts, they ran quicker than my ability to process them sometimes 😂
I silenced myself a lot lately, stopped giving away my energy as I am looking for where to redirect it! Visual art is indeed good, still haven't found my things but it's there somewhere!
Never thought about it like that 😅
Here in UK everyone says "You OK?" as a conversation starter, but it's all fake, the fake politeness, the fake empathy, fake shit everywhere, if you ever answer "Not really" that just puts the other person in an ugly spot and it ends up being your fault for being "too sensitive", so why they ask? !LOL
I have a shitty relationship with words because once my main language was Italian, but then I went so all in on the English that I now feel almsot illiterate in italian and I have some big gaps on data in my brain that sometimes I wonder "How the fuck did I manage to be able to thrive for so long in such a mad society with this crappy brain of mine?" !LOL
Hope some of this made you laugh because that's how I take it, I laugh about it because if I don't laugh I have to cry... 😂😂😂
FUCK... 🤦♂️🤣🤣🤣🤣
Tell me about it, lol. One of the things I find very helpful to create that inner silence with the volume going way down low, is to go do some sort of manual labour or exercise until I reach a point of physical tiredness. Kind of like going for a hike for hours, or whatever you like to do. The trick is to keep at it until you feel this stillness inside, this calmness and the thoughts get so quiet, they are almost not there. This is best done alone and away from city streets, lots of people, and noise. Writing things out also helps get it out of your head.
Play around with no expectations...keep that up with whatever seems to draw (no pun intended) you in a direction that feels right. If it doesn't work out, you can just do another of whatever it is.
My point exactly. Why ask then? LOLOL.
After I wrote this post, I continued to observe and test out a few other responses. The latest one was, instead of answering "How are you?", I made a comment about how the weather was that day (a safe Canadian thing is always the weather, LOL, 2 birds, one stone). Immediately got asked a second time "How are you?" Again answered with something about the weather. Got asked a third time. It was in that moment, I realized that a lot of people are checked out, mostly operating on auto pilot, waiting for the correct input (answer) and if you don't reply with that, it exacerbates the situation. Says a lot about the degree to which society has de-evolved.
You know what? I wonder how anyone survives in this world and stays sane enough to keep on functioning. We live in a very sick society and I'm starting to really wonder about some things I've never considered before that I won't mention here ;). It's far too "weird" ;).
Loved your long delicious comment. I always have a good exchange with you that's interesting, no matter the topic. Had something weird happen over the last month and a half...I pretty much lost my sense of humour completely. That just doesn't happen, so it's a weird experience. Only this week have I felt it start to drift back to me again a bit. Life. Crap. Dealing. Learn. Let go. Grow. Move on. Laughter returns again. Repeat as needed. 🤪🤪🤪😂😂😂😌😌😌
I like how your chipmunk seizure embodies the emotion of your post.
😂 Thank you for catching that, it was the intent. Cutest little chipmunk at the cemetery. We had a brief chat while I asked if it would stay for me to photograph it. It did, but the shutter click scared it and it ran off out of the next frame.
Damn those shutter clicks!
Yes, I cursed it in the moment. At the same time, before that, the chipmunk was quite happy sitting looking at me in close enough proximity. I always love them. I don't think it's just the stripes either.
Even if it was just the stripes, that's a good reason.
😂I do love those stripes.
hey nine. long time no see
HOW ARE YOU?
?
😂😂😂
You're killing me! Long time indeed, been wondering how you are also. Rough days in the world, so that has it's impact much more than any personal struggles. Aside from that, it's garden time again, the birds are singing here every day, and it's wonderful enjoying this time of year, all those small little things.
it's good hearing from you. i am still active on hive but i don't have my password to this account so i have been posting as @eolianpariah2. not a s much as before though. i had lots of free time during the worst of the plandemic but started working full time again so i don't have the energy to do that shadow guessing contest. i hope to retire this winter so let's see if i get it up and running again then. it was fun but took a lot of time.
spring is great. walking in the bright green forest with all the birds singing and wildflowers in bloom is really refreshing and energizing. i try to focus on breathing t all in and retaining it inside as a new part of myself. good stuff. i take my hat off to whoever invented trees.
That is such a beautiful paragraph. Music to my eyes, if that makes sense. That is living. I see you love trees, totally agree with you. I've loved them since I was a child, have spent a great deal of time with them in many ways.
I'm curious as to what happened with your password...
I followed you as @eolianpariah2 now, so glad I know. I had wondered what happened. Thanks. It's an important time to be focusing on what you need to do. I'm sure you know what I mean. Please do tag me when you start the contest again. I always enjoyed it and interacting with others on it. The socializing is fun when I'm able to do that. Ongoing challenges on my end that I need to attend to.
when i joined hive it was recommended that i change my password. i did not think about it until my wallet started to grow significantly. so i changed my password and wrote the new one down very carefully. the problem was that i did not realize that i was not being shown my entire password, only about 35 or so digits. i did not want to copy and paste it, i wanted to avoid that. so suddenly without the full new password i could not open hive engine or keychain. hivesigner still worked but i could not access tokens like POB, PIZZA, etc. still worse, if i ever get logged out i will not be able to log back in. so i decided to open a new account, take a small amount of my earnings out of hive and slowly transfer the rest of the original wallet over to the new account and continue from there. i didn't lose that much in the process but sadly the amount of followers, attention and support for my new account is far lower than the old one. however that may be due to other reasons, like being outspoken on issues like covid, transgender, biased contest judging and more
Ahhhh, I was hoping your account didn't get hacked. What a not fun thing to deal with though. I'm sorry to hear you had to go through that. I'm glad I know you have that new account. Followers, yeah, that's a thing. Being outspoken can also be a thing. I will never understand why having a different opinion, perspective, etc. has to be such an issue, except that it puts others in a position of having to look at themselves. Something too many do not want to do.
That is absolutely ridiculous in my experience of you. You've always been very fair and very careful to be fair, from what I saw for months. People like that need to check their egos.
whatever they are i hope you are able to work your way through them.
a friend of my father used to tell us that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. he was a living example of that.
i don't think that is always the case but the ones that have been through the most do seem to be the ones most worth listening to.
Hahaha, I'm the only one that can do the job, so yes. As always, I find being in nature, such as you described, meditation, exercise, and creativity to be most helpful at any time. Besides, life is always in a constant state of change, so it's impossible to get stuck in one place, unless one chooses to do that.
The friend of your father's is absolutely correct. I can relate to that.
I agree. I'll add that I see everything in life, each day, as a learning experience, whatever it happens to be doesn't really matter (good/bad/whatever), what matters is the learning and growing.
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ooh that's dark.
cemetery dark in daytime
Yup. I watched the Pilot season and 1st season of Seinfeld yesterday, in one sitting.
It's a show about nothing, was soothing.
by the end of it I was almost tempted to download tik tok
LOL! That's some programming!
I've never watched it, you must have zoned right out, LOL! Last week, started taking ipod with me, also using while on balcony. It blocks out sounds I don't want to hear.
Have you tried blogging about recipes #uselesseaters ?
I don't think my recipes would be appealing, so no. 🤪 I am designing recipes for bugs, meal worms seem to be high on the list.
You and my wife may have a conversation about this topic lol you are both on the same page! I guess I'm not done with people so I don't have these types of thoughts and rather enjoy conversation. The small talk like "how are you" is always an interesting one and I make it a point now to not just add some trivial thing like "good" but give some detail. I enjoy detail! :D
Thanks for stopping by. Glad you are having fun with detailing small talk!
A simple "hello", a welcoming smile and above all, the ability to endure a few seconds of silence while waiting for the response of the interlocutor, this is from my point of view the invitation to a communication marked by simplicity, consideration and overture to the other. No obligation, just a window of a possible meeting, or not, to the other, the space of a moment!
How do you like to be approached, in these small moments of everyday life filled with formalities and that seem unimportant and yet are sometimes so meaningful and revealing?
Once again thank you for this sharing full of humanity and search for truth.
Always a pleasure to read you :)
I've been off dealing with an family matter, so that's why I haven't replied to you until now.
Thank you for leaving me such a thoughtful comment and asking an interesting question.
It depends on the situation in the moment, how the person approaches me, and what I sense from them. Whether I know them or not isn't relevant.
Sometimes they are meaningful and revealing. I agree. I've had so many of those I couldn't count them all.
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