Repression

The last month of thoughts, reflections, limbo and anxiety.

How do I begin, it's not like I'm doing this for the first time, but each one is unique, perhaps more difficult or I'm simply getting older.

I've been trapped in my head for the past month, with thoughts that multiply at breakneck speed, they eat me, chew me, spit me out, and then let me fall asleep.

So the next morning I wake up and the thoughts just keep going. Yes, I admit I've fallen into a limbo ruled by my thoughts and then taken over by emotions.

Depression, let's call it as it is.

I recently (3 months ago) mentioned that I moved to a completely different environment because, first and foremost, I wanted to get away from the big city life, the crowds, and the charge of negative energy that is always felt first in busy places. The move went so smoothly at first that even finding an apartment was simple. All of this seemed like a good sign to me, and it gave me even more motivation to stick with my decision until the end and truly leave everything I'd known so far, especially my everyday life.

And, as is often the case, busyness quickly blinds us, so that we end up not dealing with ourselves or the processes we go through.

After two months of settling down and slowing down, I began to feel the effects of moving, change, missing, and new problems. I brushed it all under the rug at first, breathing deeply and convincing myself that it was a completely normal feeling after such a big change, and that a couple of meditations and a little cycling would take care of everything.

There were small advances, one step forward, two steps back, but nothing in the long run.

Working from home and all of the other responsibilities that come with the house, especially if your new life begins as a couple, everything started to suffocate me. When difficult times come our way, we all want someone we know by our side, someone we can be our best and worst selves in front of.

They are all a hundred kilometers away.

Yes, I love and respect my partner, but the trauma has taken its toll, that's why I still don't feel comfortable "spilling myself" in front of him. Or, God forbid, to show my frailty. The repressed negative charge continues to do its job; no matter how hard we try to hide the bad feeling, it will always be visible on the face, then it will gradually spread to all other fronts.

Lately, I feel lonely and untrustworthy - finally I said it out loud.

Cohabitation

If anyone believes in fate, it is me, someone who believes that everyone is destined for something, that everyone have its own luck, and that everything has a time and a place. My partner is my happiness, who patiently waited for me somewhere while I was thrashing around with fools, as cliche as it sounds. But when I moved to his city, we didn't plan a life together; I was still expecting my own space, which is why I was looking for an single person apartment; our life together just happened.
Dissatisfaction begins with internal and spreads to everything else; there is always someone on the sidelines, consciously or unconsciously, to spice things up a little more.

Am I ready? Is he ready? When are we ready at all!?

Fear began to take its toll, and I began to close myself off more and more each day. Elan vanished like deep optimism, and for the first time in my life, I found myself confused.

Have you ever felt that your own body is your cage, as if there is no way out, and no one hears you?

The environment

The city I moved to is adorable, well-organized, full of greenery, and very family-oriented, which is something I was aiming for. However, when you are new to such environments, you will notice that people are much more closed and socially distant. Circles of people who have known each other since they were children, are much more difficult to infiltrate. Among other things, I do my work from home, and that is another aggravating circumstance for me to participate in social events. I found it even more difficult because my partner has acquaintances and friends here, a predominantly male population where I fit in perfectly to have a drink with them occasionally, but that's about it. There is no sharing or gathering.

Envy strikes, and you search for a hair in the egg.

You begin to focus solely on the negative, and all the minor details that normally constitute your life become insignificant and imperceptible. Deep down, I am at least that person, and no matter how much I muttered to myself between the lines, it began to overwhelm me in all aspects of my life, from love to business.

Aggression started to build in me, immense dissatisfaction, and then I burst into tears - I lost my spark was all that rang in my head.

The inner feeling usually manifests itself physically, usually through illness, so my sweat gland under the armpit decided to peek above the skin's surface and literally leak. Congratulations, you can no longer work or sleep, and guess what? You'll become even more irritated and angry, that's what happened. I sank even deeper.

Is this how you become insane? Was the next question that came to mind after the apartment's owner announced a rent increase if the price of electricity rise. Even though I've only been in this space for three months, I've experienced another bout of arrhythmia cause of it.

I got angry because I just left my life and decided to start a new one in the name of finally saving something and not having to pay high price for my survival. I felt defeated.

The ego screamed - injustice! And the fear had already dissipated.
I have a constant desire to flee, to leave, to change, even though I know that doing so will only keep me spinning in circles.

Meanwhile I started hating my job, as dealing with people nowadays when everyone are pissed off on global level, my job become my burden, but I have to do it as its pays my bills. And doing something by force has never yielded positive results, so next task is job change.

Politics sucks

To some extent, the current political situation in my country is my biggest trigger for the current situation, because what else can help you if you don't feel safe in your own country, see what is going on, and have no power to change anything?
Frustration is the only thing this country has given me in the last XY years, and don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for planes and trucks or any kind of snobbish luxury lifestyle, except to respect my human rights.

I've gotten a little too involved in the political scene, both regional and global, in recent months, and the amount of injustice and manipulation going on right now is devastating.
The only thoughts that constantly run through my head are war, sanctions, restrictions. Been there, done that I can not handle it again.

And then I ran away, to the countryside, to a retreat, despite the fact that I didn't even work at 30% capacity this month and that my current earnings are pitiful, but I can't force myself anymore, or maybe I can, but I'm afraid of long-term consequences an then there is no way back.

Hive is going to be my little helper this month, as I've desecrated a portion of my savings, taking it all off and feeling a little guilty (not sure why).
Fortunately, I am still conscious and awake enough to feel all of my traumas and triggers rise to the surface. To decide to sit with them, for however long it takes, to let them leak out.

I want my spark back...