It has now been a year since I had a stroke.
Something that I didn't expect to ever say, as I assumed that if I did ever have a stroke, I wouldn't live to talk about it. I also assumed that if I had a stroke, it would be sometime after retirement, when that kind of thing is normal and at that stage, home life is all there really is.
A year in and I would like to say that I have recovered, healed fully and life is back to normal.
But that would be bullshit.
It is not the case at all.
I'd also like to say that I am a better person for it.
But that is probably bullshit too.
"At least you should be happy to be alive."
Why? If I died, I'd be dead and would no longer have an experience.
What I am glad about is that I am not a complete vegetable drooling in the corner, unable to wipe my own ass - that is my nightmare - death is the easy way out.
While the brain can do some pretty miraculous things even if severely damaged, what many people forget is that it is still a physical organ with a lot of intricacies, interdependencies and specialized components that if they are damaged, cannot be corrected. In my case, the bit that was damaged is "only" about 3 cubic centimeters, but it is in the cerebellum. The Cerebellum is a relatively small part of the brain (about 10% of the total) but holds over half of the neurons of the entire brain, so as you can imagine, losing a chunk of it can cause some problems.
It is core to motor learning, which is essentially the trial and error learning of a process until it becomes an automatic reflex activity - like riding a bike. However, it impacts on all kinds of process based learning and in my case, the "automatic" is gone, meaning that in order to learn something new, I have to very actively focus on it, all the way down to creating an image in my mind's eye. Essentially, my mind is now always blank, unless I force it to visualize something.
There is no way to explain this to a person that hasn't directly experienced it - as it is just too far from normal experience and while people "think they know" - they are full of shit.
One of the other core functions of the cerebellum is for mental function and emotional control, which are again, "pretty important" parts of life. These include directive cognitive activity, language processing, fear response, pleasure and reward response and mood regulation. All of these things have been heavily affected and whilst the disassociation of the first few months has diminished, it is still always there. Not only does this affect my cognitive abilities required to navigate professional life, but it also heavily affects my interpersonal abilities, including the way I directly interact with people. For example, all of my emotional responses are dulled, whether in the positive or negative.
A smart person might think they can, but they can't imagine what it is like to be a dumb person in the same way a dumb person can't imagine being smart. Imagining being smart doesn't mean you are able to suddenly solve complex problems and imagining being dumb, doesn't mean you forget how to solve complex problems. Yet, this is what people seem to think they can do in regards to "empathisizing" with someone.
Empathy doesn't mean accurately understanding.
You and I, have zero ability to accurately put ourselves in the shoes of anyone else on this planet, even if we have gone through similar experiences. You are not me. I am not you. Perhaps one day they will be able to build a simulation that can accurately mimic the experience of another, but at this point, those that believe they are empathetic, are fooling themselves if they think they are actually able to understand someone else.
However, compassion is possible, which is understanding that even if I don't understand you, I can still recognize that you may be in distress and need help, and Actually help. As I have said before, being empathetic means feeling like there is an emotional understanding and sitting down in the gutter with someone and for this, there needs to be that "connection" in order to do anything at all. Compassion however requires no connection, just the realization that help is needed and rather than two people sitting in the gutter feeling like shit, a hand is given to help the one out of the gutter.
Empathy as it has been advertised in popular culture - is a scam.
And since my stroke, I am even more adamant that this is true, since I am less empathetic, but still able to be at least somewhat compassionate, therefore still actively helping, even if my own emotional position is not aligned with the person I am helping. You don't have to agree, you can believe the opposite one hundred percent - that doesn't make what you believe correct.
It is funny though, as some people have spoken about what I should do without actually understanding any of this, either based on their own highly lacking experience, or after a Google search and a quick read. It is funny, they make the assumptions that with all the study and investment into understanding the brain - a YouTube video has the solution to something that no one still fully understands. It is naïve and often harmful, but they might feel like they are helping.
As long as people "feel" they are helping, that is good enough for them.
Much like updating a profile picture with a flag to support a country.
While my daily tasks haven't changed, my experience of daily life has fundamentally changed at both the functional level where I have to act and, the emotional level that responds to the environment. There are so many factors involved that have been heavily affected, it is impossible for me to even identify them all, let alone explain how I experience them them individually and then grouped into clusters, cross-referenced with a dynamic environment.
All I can really hope is that whatever I do will be received with the understanding of "best intentions" but I also know, that in this day and age, that is not going to happen. People are so self-absorbed and so emotionally imbalanced, that even without brain injuries, they are unable to control their emotional response and have been conditioned to take offence to everything that makes them feel even the slightest bit uncomfortable, which is anything that they disagree with. While my brain might be physically fucked - it seems that the majority of the world's population is culturally brain damaged.
But, one thing is for certain.
No matter how much we change, we always wake up as ourselves, until we stop waking up.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
I mean, who on Earth could take offense with you saying the majority of the world's population is brain damaged?
Obviously I don't know what your experience is like, even though you write so well and have been so open and transparent with this blockchain, but I guess I'd like to think that you'd be happy to be alive to spend time with Boomy... oh, and see your daughter grow, make memories with your wife, enjoy experiences, upvote me, etc.
I know people might seem like it on social media, but in reality I don't know anyone who takes offense at everything. I know some angry people, for sure, but they usually have pretty good reason to be upset. I personally see social media as not real, and so can't honestly take it too seriously.
I can't imagine what your life must be like now... but honestly, I'm glad you're still writing and still making us think.
Also... is it possible that you could get back to how things were before the stroke? Or is your brain essentially changed forever (understanding, of course, that we're always changing)?
:D
It isn't just on social media, or at least, I think the habits of social media have spilled into real life. It isn't everyone of course, but the amount of people who have decided emotional control, taking responsibility and actually acting for more than themselves, seems to be quite high. I get the feeling that people aren't interested in other people, other than what they can get out of them directly and while this might always be the case, now it is highly apparent and pretty much accepted. Everything has become clearly transactional, but people are looking to minimize their own inputs into the relationship, yet maximize what they extract.
I am of course happy I get to be alive and keep experiencing things, but if I had died, I wouldn't have the chance to miss it. However, that drooling in the corner scares the bejeezus out of me.
There is essentially zero chance of being back to what it was, so it is really about accepting the changed circumstances. The challenge is that the change is quite large and happens in an instant. It is like going to sleep and then waking up without an arm and a leg, not knowing what happened to them. It is possible to keep living and learning, but capabilities are fundamentally different and, there are no prosthetics available.
Obviously we hang in extremely different circles, in quite different corners of the globe, and while we share a blockchain, have different online experiences... but personally I think that almost everyone I interact with is genuinely interested in other people and most people would love to have a positive impact in other people's lives... after all, we can't take anything with us when we die, all we can leave is the memories we give others.
Of course, I know the types of people you're talking about, and maybe they're too busy hustling to bother with me, but they're just not in my orbit at all.
I understand, obviously the damage the stroke caused was too large to ever really repair or recover, I don't know a much about the brain so I wasn't sure how it good it was with healing over time.
Honestly, being a drooling mess is one of my biggest fears. The last thing I ever want to be is a burden on those I care about. Is there a way to legally force our enemies to look after us if we end up like that? I should look into that.
I think that there are changes in my real life circles too, especially over the last decade. Not all have changed, but those who have taken the social media route, have started to rely more heavily on that for their sense of self-worth, than real life people. Not all, but many.
Lols - "cruel and unusual punishment"
Far too many false empaths in this world. They 'show' they care, by vocalizing it or writing it down; it's really just a twisted form of boasting. They'll use the issues they pretend to care about as a vessel to get attention and feel nurtured. A certain traveler would be a good example. Started out acting like it cared for people; standing up for others. Now doesn't even care how many lives have been ruined so far due to it's behavior; continues to destroy those it pretends to care about.
Yes. Attention seekers with "themselves" as the only cause they care about.
There are many examples out there...
Too many. For some reason I can smell them. It's probably just the bullshit though.
It is on their breath :D
chuckle
I don't think so. We need health more than ever when we are retired because we delay many things until that period of our lifetime. A lifetime, perhaps, will last 5-10-15 years.
I just hope I am not a burden on anyone in life and if I become so - it is time to do something about it :)
It’s difficult for sure and I’ve spent time with a number of people that have had a stroke and each one is different. All cases are sad and unfortunate but it’s impossible to feel what it’s like without being in their body and that’s not happening yet.
I think one thing I’m grateful for is being able to engage with you here despite those challenges. You’ve got a good manner about you and I appreciate it, as difficult as it is post stroke.
Life is hard for sure and we get thrown into situations that are fucked but we try to make best with what we’ve got and I think you are doing a good job with that.
For what it’s worth, I was dropping by to say happy Father’s Day, hope the day is enjoyable for you, as enjoyable as it can be!
It is definitely different for each. A person who lives in the neighborhood had a "mild stroke" and now, can't work or hold a normal conversation, because he can't break out of the defaults. He is like a trained flea.
I am glad that I have been able to share my experiences here and while I think it helps people understand a whole range of aspects of interpersonal life and challenges, I hope my daughter will read these in the future and understand the challenges we all faced together better.
Same to you!
It is outside of my awareness, because in Finland it is in November :)
wow! you write with such clarity and intellect, that i would never have known/believed you are a stroke survivor.
i have an uncle who is in the “drooling in the corner” state of being, and has been for many sets of four-Seasons now, as the result of a stroke. that is no way to live-out the last of, what is supposed to be, our “golden -years” during this gift of a lifetime experience. it is not living, at all, from my perspective.
i, also, have a close personal friend who recently succame to the idea that he “had to” become fully poisoned by the experimental injections THE beast SYSTEM has been coercing mankind to consent to accepting, as of lately, which resulted in his suffering a, what THEY are calling, “mild-stroke”.
as soon as i read the opening sentence, of this post of yours, i immediately thought, and wondered, “did this beautiful brother-man get coerced into taking the experimental injection, as well, which resulted in his having the stroke?”
i trust, and intend, that you will continue to live happily and as healthily as is possible for such a kind version of ManKIND! continue to be (and get more perfectly) well, stay strong 💪 in body and mind and in-joy living to the best of your ability! 🙏
Sorry to hear about your uncle - it is a hard thing for everyone all round...
I chose not to take any injections, but it was a mild stroke for me too, but it was caused by a physical problem with the carotid artery in my neck that had been damaged somehow.
no sorrow is necessary, with regards to my uncle; i hold the belief that all is in perfect order, at all times and, in all ways.
you did seem aware enough to not have fallen for the “plandemic” lies and THE beast SYSTEM’s attempts to further genetically-modified ManKIND, further into “human-beings”… i suppose it would be “trans-human-beings” now; thank you for your reply here and in confirming i was correct, in that you have not been “jabbed”!
much Love 💗 Respect ✊ and Gratitude 🙏 for all you be and do!!
You are right. Empathy is not understanding. No one knows your struggles and journey more than you. They can say all kind of nice words and flowers of kindness. Sometimes you wonder how much is real and how much is fake. But it is not for us to judge their hearts. Yes, folks are self absorbed and self-centered. It is sad of what we have allowed ourselves to become. I often think the world is more sick and unhealthy than those going through the illness.
If people are helped by the empathetic, that is good - but what is help? Is it helping to sit in that gutter with them, or is it help to assist them out of it? Is it help to make them feel they can stay where they are, or help to develop the understanding that they can move? It is a challenge and I still get the sense that a lot of the "help" is fake - it is an exhibition performance, not actually designed to help.
Ouch man, that is pretty damn hefty. I hope the evolution in the next year is still positive for you. I don’t know much about strokes, but I do know that recovery takes long and the brain is neuroplastic…
Good luck man!
The brain does have plasticity, but it can't heal everything unfortunately. It likely won't get much better, but maybe I will learn to cope with the changes better over time.
As humans I believe we are born to face challenges of different kinds which we may not see it coming or been prepared for it but I believe at the end of every scenario there's a positive change that will occur.
It would be nice if there was always the positive at the end of the tunnel, but I am not sure if that is the case.