Maybe I will always be guilty in life - Refugee Diary

in Team Ukraine2 months ago (edited)

My lifestyle is pretty boring and scheduled nowadays. I do nothing, I don't involve in any special activities, no fun nothing. I filled my life full of dullness now and I don't regret it. At least mentally I am doing better than before and that matters the most. I wake up early morning, get ready for work, take Gigi out, and then leave room for work. After 8 hours shift, I come back to the room, take Gigi out again and then freshen up, eat and sleep. Sometimes I watch Netflix, sometimes I watch some videos and that's it. For the past few days, I am in physical pain due to my old fractured shoulder issue and after stressful working hours, no energy normally left inside me. I am consuming a lot of painkillers lately. My biggest fear is the addiction to painkillers because I consume a lot of medicines daily.

Anyway, after observing my condition, finally I decided to find my GP( general practice)/ family doctor and get registered with the family doctor. Also, last week one of the volunteers specifically told me to get connected to my family doctor. I clearly remembered what she told me, she said you should know who is your family doctor whether you are sick or not. Plus you don't know what's gonna be happen next so get registered with the medical system of the Netherlands. I took her advice and decided to go to the place where pensioner doctors are helping Ukrainians to find family doctors.

My dog Gigi is doing good, I have changed her diet completely and try to keep her under my observation often whenever I can. After returning home from work, she is the one who helps me to forget my stress. She gives me kisses, we do cuddling and we sometimes play inside our small room. We are connected and we give each other attention.

Anyway, today I started my morning with a lot of motivation. Today was my day off and I have decided to take the best out of it. So, after breakfast, I and Gigi went out for a nice long walk and we enjoyed the weather a lot. Later, I went to the municipality to understand my work contract and taxes because I had some confusion about the Dutch Labor system. As usual, the municipality couldn't help me much and they gave me a number for further clarification. People always complain about the municipality in Almere, the most common complaint is municipality doesn't provide adequate information and keeps people in dark areas. They always do that, never ever provide the exact information, most of the time they say, they don't know.

So, the municipality wasn't helped me at all. What else to do? Then I decided to meet volunteers but unfortunately, they were not available today. So, I directly went to the place to register myself for the GP. It took some time to get registered and also there, many people were waiting for the doctor before me. So, the entire procedure took some time but finally, all went well.


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After finishing all chores, finally, I have gotten some time to call my friend who is still in Kharkiv, Ukraine. I haven't heard anything from her lately so I decided to ask her how she is doing. She is that kind of person who never asks for help or anything, she is very independent and that bothers me now because she is living in a warzone.

Beretha picked up my call and when I asked her how she is doing, she said I am good, getting habituated to the sound of explosions every day. She told me that day and night, she hears the sounds of massive explosions and shelling and it is scary. Even she said that a day before yesterday, she saw smoke nearby. I asked Beretha that, why you are still in Kharkiv, and why not leave the city. Her answer was she is scared and alone with her two dogs and she doesn't know where to go. No matter how much I try to show her the way, she said, I can't do it. I am not brave like you. Her words kinda made me feel guilty because I should have left Kharkiv with her. I should have forced her a little bit that time to leave the city with me. Probably this guilt will eat me inside forever...


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I have found some photos of Kharkiv city, I have taken them before the war while walking on the streets. Today I am feeling nostalgic and guilty, so I decided to share my thoughts and the beautiful city (before the war) with you.

Enjoy...


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Photo Location: Kharkiv Academic Ukrainian Drama Theatre


Thank you so much for reading...




Love

Priyan...



I am @priyanarc.... An architect, a dreamer, and a passionate writer who loves to write about life. I try to present my own perspective and experiences. Please leave your feedback and criticism because it's the only way I can know and reach your mind and thought easily...



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All images used are captured by the author...

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"I filled my life full of dullness now..."

You are a seed that has buried herself in the dark earth. You cannot see the sun now, but it is warming the ground above you and the rain is seeping down to where you are. Soon, you will grow, and you will bloom again! 💗

I guess the whole process will take time just like from seed to tree journey, takes a lot of time...

Thanks, dear for the wonderful comment, these words really melted my heart...

Beautiful pics!
You are a brave girl indeed and you shouldn't blame yourself. It is not your fault your friend decided to stay...

It is not your fault your friend decided to stay...

I know but I feel like I should have pushed herself more, it's just regret. I feel bad and upset when I talk to her, her pain and struggle really hurt me a lot...

Thank you... Kharkiv was a beautiful city...

What you've been through, boring is good. Please don't feel guilty. You cannot force people to do things they don't want to. I understand your concern though. It's scary and sad that your friend is in such a horrible situation. ❤️❤️

You cannot force people to do things they don't want to. I understand your concern though. It's scary and sad that your friend is in such a horrible situation. ❤️❤️

That's what hurts me the most, that's why I can't talk to her like before. I felt sorrowness in her words...

Interesting read as always from you. I heard that medical care in that part (at least tor
Belgium, so probably valid for Holland too) is not the best and not even close to the one in Ukraine which used to be very good - not treating everything with drugs but smartly using reasonable alternatives too. And very cheap good private medical institutions. So you can be treated best with a small expense.

So it would be fascinating to read about your medical experience there and how you were satisfied with it.

And btw. are there in Almeere also farmers protests? Do you see it in the Dutch media are people speaking about it? We see from Twitter that farmers are protesting heavily there. But in our media nothing.

are there in Almeere also farmers protests

No, but I saw the protest in Amsterdam and I have little knowledge about it... There is a post written by @blind-spot. you can read it here.

I heard a lot about the medical system in the Netherlands, so let's see what I experience in the future. Already getting some ideas about how things are working here. In Ukraine, the medical system was better compared to many other countries...

Thanks for the link. I agree with you, I was surprised how great medical system was in Ukraine - one of the most corrupted countries, not logical. Or maybe official medical systems are more corrupted in the more "fair" EU. Let us know how you go through. Fingers crossed!

It's a stability! Believe me, you deserve it. You will get on your feet 100% and your batteries will be reade charged for new adventures😊 Your friend made a decision, actually many people chose the same, you can't blame yourself for others' decisions

You will get on your feet 100% and your batteries will be reade charged for new adventures

Probably... Maybe after years, I will find my own way again and will find a stable place for me and my dog.

Your friend made a decision, actually many people chose the same, you can't blame yourself for others' decisions

I feel bad for her and also feel guilty thinking I could have forced her to leave Kharkiv with me...

I'm sure that a steady routine after such an upheaval is the best thing for you right now so don't worry about being 'boring'. You're right to walk though, that helps clear the head even if you don't want to do it. I hope you get in to see a doctor soon. Stress can make your pain worse as well.

I am taking everything very slow, I know my mind and body will take time to accept and process everything. Even though I still feel scared sometimes, I hallucinate but I am better. I started moving forward but it is taking a lot of time...

Be gentle with yourself. I thinking moving does help your body process so your mind can... So walking, running, yoga, will really help you xxxx

That is sad about your friend. I suppose we can only coax people so much and in the end what they do is up to them...