Heeeyho Readers! Coming by with something a bit different, definitely stinky, and a bit humorous!

Grabs coffee, walks to the door, scratches buttock, checks the weather. I'm trynna think of my next post. Been thinking of adventure posts lately. I miss writing them. However, the most epic ones have been posted already. Mishaps, lack of money, sleeping under bridges, hunger — that needs to come back to this blog. Asap. Meanwhile, I burn neurons (the two or three of them) thinking about the next brokepacking trip.

Have you ever heard about the term brokepacker? I've never found on google, which makes me believe, proudly, that I coined the term. Let me define it.

broke-pack-er
/brōkpakər/

noun
a rare breed of moneyless backpacker

Traveling without mooneys is a form of art. The amount of creativity to survive out there without the biscuit, the cash, the dinero surpasses the limits of any human capabilities. And we are not talking about finding ways to obtain Benjamins, but also anything involved in a brokepacking mission. Based on my experience, I decided to write about the Golden rules of a brokepacker, so you don't have to go through what I've gone.

If you are an experienced brokepacker and feel like adding your two cents ~~send it to my bank account~~ drop a comment down below.

1. Brokepackers don't refuse food

Our parents used to say: "Don't accept food from strangers." Rule number one states the opposite. You are eating cheap pasta with tuna fish once a day for months. Hunger is your natural form. And that cheese you are dreaming of is not cheese (more about this later). A stranger offers you anything, you accept. If your destiny is dying of diarrhea in the middle of South America, so be it. At least you ate something different for once.

^{Cooking bread in the wilderness of Patagonia}

2. Showering is optional

If it's available, you take it; if it's not available, you don't take it. No drama. A day without shower won't kill a brokepacker. Or ten days if you are brave enough. Traveling to freezing places is a great excuse and hair grease goes away after two days (that's what a friend told me). Just in case people start to avoid you, alternatives are: wet wipes, rivers, sprinklers, gyms, etc.

^{Getting ready to shower}

3. Anywhere is a hotel

A brokepacker doesn't have money for that decrepit eight-Euro hostel in eastern Europe, let alone for a twenty-five-Euro luxurious hostel in Italy. Anywhere is a good sleeping place if you are brave enough. Under bridges? Fine. On the local woods? Safe-ish. On a grumpy man's lawn? No fucking way. On gas stations? Perfect. That leads to the next golden rule.

^{I said anywhere}

4. Gas stations are heaven

There's a reason some gas stations are packed with trucks: They are safe, offer shower, wifi, and most have a grassy area for camping. Gas stations are the brokepacker's retreat, a place to recharge the energies, an opportunity to use a real toilet, a chance to update the blog. If you are lucky the security guard will share a bit of his stash of booze.

^{Door to heaven}

5. Work is work

You are broke as a goat, are you going to refuse work? A brokepacker is the master of everything: painting, bricklaying, gardening, babysitting, writing blog posts, selling the soul, transporting drugs. Wait, no. ^yes No! Seriously, you are broke; don't make it worse by going to jail, after all the objective is to travel.

Photo not found

^{Me transporting drugs}

6. Remember to wash the socks

No, that smell of cheese is not a glorious Worcestershire cheddar. A brokepacker don't have money for that luxury. That's your wet socks long forgotten on a plastic bag inside the backpack, you ol' filthy bastard nasty putrid feet. Always, at any opportunity, wash those socks (unless you want the almighty USA searching you for biological weapons).

7. Night wanders are no no

There's nothing scarier than finding oneself in a new city at night. A brokepacker plans in advance. You either sleep in the outskirts and explore during the day, or get into the city early enough to figure out where to sleep. Unless you are planning to party hard... in this case the night is your friend. This leads to the next.

8. A brokepacker always finds money to party

That coin lost on the bottom of the backpack? Yup. That smashed bill you found on your boot? Yup. A brokepacker goes to party broke and comes back drunk. How? It's a mystery, but it happens. The Queen approves.

9. Street animals are your fellas

If a wiggle-wiggle dog or a purr-purr cat approaches, a brokepacker always pets the animal and shares food. Always! Just avoid swans. Those are going to kill you.

^{I told you}

10. A brokepacker is too lazy to write ten rules

For a brokepacker, everything that can be done today, can also be done tomorrow. Or after tomorrow. It's always best to take a nap on a shade than doing what should be done. Take some rest, enjoy the view, and procrastinate. Life is good. Everything will be fine.

A photo

^{Too lazy to find an illustration}

11. A brokepacker doesn't sell his cryptos

This one occurred me just as I'm posting the Brokepacker's Golden Rules Ultimate Guide. A brokepacker never sells his cryptos. We hope to become a millionaire so mishaps stay in the past. Unless, of course, in emergencies.

I'd love to see my fellow travelers continue this list on the comments. Let's see if we can compose a complete Brokepacker's Golden Rules Ultimate Guide. If you haven't tried a true brokepacker experience, my advise is: don't. Until next time.

Peace.

^{and go wash your socks}

Did you know that I have a book out? Check this!

Access Link: https://www.amazon.com/dp/6500272773?

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~Love ya all,

Disclaimer: The author of this post is a convict broke backpacker, who has travelled more than 10.000 km hitchhiking and more than 5.000 km cycling. Following him may cause severe problems of wanderlust and inquietud. You've been warned.

[TRAVEL COMEDY] The Brokepacker's Golden Rules