Good morning or afternoon or evening ladies and gentlemen or neither or both or maybe you don't wanna talk about it or maybe you do just not with me and I'm overstepping my boundaries and Martha Focker that was painful!
Sensitive personalities require a lot of accommodation nowadays or they'll bash your virtual existence in the name of equal rights. Mind your P's and Q's, dot the right I type shit and never ever EVER cross the wrong T cuz not all morning people are evening people and vice versa.
I saw a big box van on the road the other day that said T women and a truck. Curiosity got the best of me, 'the hell's inside that truck?' I looked it up and damn you generation Z as in asleep! Zzzz Before you I never would've mistaken Two Men for T women.
Give it up for @amirtheawesome1.
:applause:
He brought back Comedy Open Mic which coincidentally after years of collecting dust in my photo album gave that cover image purpose. See the trunk? Vibrant B-words parked in front of anywhere are rarely advisable and I pulled it off rather palatially so thanks for the contest Amir! Zero thanks for 11 rules, Amir, WTF dude?! Even the Commandments only have 10.
40 HBD up for grabs you sinners.
I saw a British license plate on a Japanese minivan parked in one of four occupied handicap spots this morning at a German restaurant in Middle America where the wait's so long you'll wish you ate before you went and I don't think being a great big giant fat motherfucker should qualify for disabled parking privileges and I should probably stop now before this run on sentence crosses the line because I need a camera man or woman.
I have the next reality TV blockbuster scripted and ready to break the internet, all I need's someone to film it. Pura won't do it—refuses. When we're at a restaurant and I so much as breathe a single word of it or point directly at the couple sitting across the dining room like 'look, them!' She sharply whispers STFU!!! with blood thirsty eyes like when I forget to set the oven timer and insists if I don't put my finger away immediately I'll wish I had.
I need a camera man or woman. Biggest thing to hit YouTube since drunk fail compilations.
Bigger than Upine.
Bigger than a CDC update!
Stage
We're at a more than half capacity filled restaurant with plenty of patrons enjoying a meal away from home, "someone's" zoomed in on me, filming. Volume's tuned just right and picks up the conversation I'm about to initiate with the couple sitting across from each other staring at their phones.
I'm dressed to impress. Fresh smile for the camera, Tag Heuer exposed, matching cuff links n'shit, concealed tattoos etcetera. I lean slightly toward the table all smiles and bright eyed in an inviting, harmless voice.
Lights
'Hi. I'm not gonna ask you for money but continuing in the spirit of improper interruption awkwardness, would you mind if I asked you both one quick question or would you rather I get out of your lives forever?'
I ask the question with a question. That way in the unlikely event they opt out of my presence they'll still have to engage with me and the camera's rolling so no footage is lost. They agree, "sure what's your question?"
Camera
'I can't help but notice both of you enjoying an evening out together, sitting across from one another in a nice restaurant environment less than two feet apart and neither of you have set your phones down since arriving and I just gotta know what in the fuck are you looking at?'
Action!
One more time for Amir :applause: Thanks for bringing back COM. We haven't had a Comedy Open Mic community since before communities were a thing.
Subscribe here. Stop by discord and say hi. Keep an eye out for announcements and post promotions. Last time COM was around they hosted weekly COMtests open to everyone that are generously rewarded and always good for some laughs.
Happy holidays you. Merry Christmas and happy new year. Entertaining you the past four years has been my pleasure. Let's do it again in 22.
Lmao 🤣 I'd watch that show
Yooo! Thanks Leaky. We just recently crossed paths but getting to know you hasn't sucked at all.
Got some stand up in ya?
Yep that's true. Been good so far too lol
No not really. I'm not all that funny, at least not in writing.
Eh it's a challenge huh? No hand gestures or facial expressions, man...
Funny is always the toughest to me. The post button is my nemesis but when the content is supposed to be funny, man you can guarantee I'm a sweaty palm mess trying to click it 'I hope I'm not the only one who thinks it's funny.' Rubbing my hands against my pants, boom-boom-boom-boom in my chest.
Yeah I hear you. It's definitely challenging
This is usually the best kind of humor. There are only two kinds of people in this world...
Dammit you again?! Alright check it out. If you're gonna be this cool I demand you stop by more often, that's 1. 2. This is the second time today I read one of my own comments like 'stop being a female dog!'
Me again. Ha. I always stop by, whether you know it or not. Stealth is my middle name. But yes, I'll comment more often, sure. Probably. Maybe.
It's just that some days I run out of words. Is it just me?
OMG, it’s true... you need
We are disconnected, disassociated and lost in the Internet of our desires. God help us, here comes AR and VR, imagine what clots we’re going to look like in those “helmets”, but...but, however, inconceivable, I think it’s going to get a lot - LOT- worse!!!!
Totally awesome insight
WOKE
At some point implosion is imminent no? Hold please, the sever's back.
Whatever you do do not ask google if an implosion is imminent.
Wassup? Internet of our desires, is that original material? Good one. And it's regulated depending on your geographic location, too, like skinny jeans for men advertisement are way more prevalent in UK than US oh she's back dude. This time she has our order.
Chow!
Was this actually recoloured or original colour of the car?
No, that's after-market. Not original. Someone painted their vehicle like that intentionally and then parked it directly adjacent to the exit door of a medical practitioners office.
Ho! Huh? How??
😂
Ok I admit I laughed twice ( I have to count it as twice because I needed a bit of air, must be genetics, I do not yet need new pants. I expected more DandA... Cardiac arrest? A change of pants?
As for the COM I managed to get a search in on here and looks like a long running thing.
Oddly enough I was working on my own, however apparently none of my humor is appropriate. When did grosser than gross get outta fashion? Why cant every joke start with 3 religious stereotypes walking into a bar?
Guess imma have to up my game.
A nun, a priest and a scientist walk into a bar. The nun sneezed, what's grosser than gross? She didn't cover her mouth and flem landed on the priests face, what's grosser than that? The scientist collected the sample for later.
I see what you mean. It'll never work.
Wassup? Where's it at? I just stopped by, no com article. I got my eye out now but please don't take it personally if it takes me a minute. I've been doing a lot of reading not here lately so I'm catching little platform content. These things come and go.
I'm glad you found the blockchain this year, you hit it running. Good for you. If you're wearing EU pants then Eewww I'm surprised you fit in them tight ass things.
Are you writing the story of your life?
Yikes. I had a serious typo in there like mayday!
Are you saying that because it's so long?
I know. Lengthy. Yata yata.
But did you notice
How this one
Shrunk to
None
?
I said that because you're consuming less, in that kind of curve, so I thought you were writing a book, since I know you're not doing other Arts.
none
And the iPad took a shit. I really need to address that. Even to frame my images I can only do one line at a time. So I'm rotating the image 90 degrees, ink / airbrush, rotate, repeat.
Can't do any video. None, zero. I need the bottom of the screen to do video edits but only the top 2/3 works.
Wa!!
😂 What can I say? I already suggested to do the address, stop the repress and all that jezz. I think you have a penchant for self-torture.
No audio either from what I've heard.
WAH!!!
Yeah I I validate parking in my EU pants, also just uploadededed a COM, no panics about when you get over there, it'll still be there in all of it's unfunny glory a few years from now.
Still can't believe I wrote it sober.
Thanks for the heads up. Eh route.
What do you mean "sober?"
I'm totally not funny, zero sense of humour, can't spin that stuff at all, just ask @dandays.
Lol I've seen the two men and a truck moving folks and if it's squished together, I could totally see tWomen and a truck hahaha.
Have you checked out Punday Monday? Hosted by @improv? That's a fun one for sure!
That would be a really fun show! I've been in several places and have seen that! Thankfully though I've also seen a significant amount of younger people that are in the moment and talking and enjoying life. I do have some hope!
For real you know the truck?? YES! I didn't know they were bigger than Tennessee. I got a witness.
I don't know how I missed it until now. I followed the improv account, their post feed is all humor. Good lookin out.
This should remain between just us. If word gets out they're not paying attention to their phone they'll be labeled an acronym that'll haunt them frvr.
Tiz the season Cmplxty. Twenty Deuces. ✌🏻
!ENGAGE 100
!WINE
!LOLZ
!LUV
!PIZZA
!BEER
Cheers Eii. Happy new year.
Happy new year @dandays!
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@eii(2/10) gave you LUV.
lolztoken.com
Sundae school.
@dandays, I sent you an $LOLZ on behalf of @eii
Use the !LOL or !LOLZ command to share a joke and an $LOLZ. (2/4)
PQIT sounds like another alphabet addition that's best gone missing.
I had to go look at that link. I can see how confusion occured.
That car! Oh that car! I'll never get over the emphasis on "B".
What's a little extra rule on the ruler, or aren't you a rule follower? Did you actually go up and ask a couple that? Did you?
Freaking hilarious, you spin funny in a way that is uniquely yours. Beautiful.
That part about funny and beautiful was so nice I had to pack a fresh one just to artiqulatte a response. Articulit's from Ca....
It's when I talk openly about weed and drop MF'er I wonder if maybe I shouldn't be so far removed when I put these things together. Shit.
No I haven't recorded a single attempt still. I need a camera man or woman.
Did you see Cmplxty commented here about he sees the same truck where he's at? That's funny. He never noticed either until now. Funny.
Thanks for keeping an eye on me. 2021 was the year you and I crossed paths.
💖
Darn it, aren't there any there you can hire for assistance and what about your GoPro? Where's @brandt when you need him to be your camera man?
I did see Cmplxty commenting that. Must be a national movement, lol.
Always a pleasure and glad we crossed paths.
He's busy being secretly recorded somewhere.
I don't believe that. Last I knew he went deep undercover.
I'm busy secretly recording @dandays.
Now you're talking. I knew you set up those trail cams on him.
SMART
Omg... So happy to have this comedy thing up ND running... We need more humour in the world! I'm actually hilarious, but only me and my husband laugh at my jokes. I can't write comedy humour like you...🤣
Although I suspect Pura wouldn't want me to encourage you. Gotta dash, feeling guilty that I'm sitting in bed side by side with the hubs as we both stare at our phones..
Ok I just cut her off mid-sentence so I could respond to you.
You're not what? Coughullshit. I don't know if I should do what I'm about to do but each time I see you or you see me, I think funny. You're standing in the kitchen chopping produce and farted so bad Jamie couldn't avoid it and you couldn't deny it cuz you're the only one there.
So don't you coughullshit me young lady, you're funny.
Thank you.
💖
Hahahaha... Thank you.
For an idea as fun as that one, I think you are going to need Two Camera Men or T Camera Women, and a Truck.
Was that supposed to be funny? Cuz I didn't laugh out loud to the point I had to stand up or anything.
No, it was just me offering a genuine suggestion to help ensure your new YouTube channel is as successful as possible. Don't forget me when you're rich and famous.
If word gets out how thoughtful you are I don't think you'll be able to hide your true identity any longer.
Joke's on everyone, I'm hiding in plain sight.
Alright! I fucking get it! Rules will be downsized. I am working on a post that will go live on Friday with a rules update. They will be 38 rules instead. Just kidding, they will at be at most half the current rules.
The show looks like a great idea, let's hope no one has copied it into a Word file and sent to people on Netflix as his own idea.
Thank you for your entry, and for the support.
Of course, my pleasure. Thanks for firing it up again. Do you know who does or do you have keys to the @comedyopenmic account?
I can't believe they didn't clean up the counter before recording that gif. I mean her earrings nearly resemble treble clefs but I can't get passed the countertop.
Has to be Idi or DJ. Most likely Idikuci. I will create a brand new one after the end of the first contest.
I do! I HAVE THE POWER!!!!
It's been so long I didn't even realize I had the account unfollowed. This is nice.
What's keeping her afloat?
Heheheh, I'll film yer show. If we ever meet, I'm going to wear armor, because I get the feeling that Pura is going to want to beat the shit out of me. I'm what you call an 'enabler', and batshit crazy ideas are my favorite addiction. If I film your reality show, though, you have to act in my sitcom.
Disregard the comment on the other post where I said I hadn't found your contest entry. This comment supercedes that one. Fuck, it's way too late to try words like that.
The minivan at the German restaurant... good rant. I felt that one. Not only should giving yourself type II diabetes NOT be a reason to get a handicap plate, but meth-heads who leave their disabled grandparents IN the car while they 'run in' and return all the Christmas presents from Walmart to exchange for a case of Keystone Ice should be sterilized, then hanged. Sterilized first because I hear that sometimes people ejaculate when they die, and we shouldn't take chances with these degenerates.
No hell no, she would expect nothing less than to actually see me go through with it. We'd have to keep the camera undetected but ready to begin filming immediately. We don't wanna give away hints cuz if they know there's a camera there they'll likely "perform" or at least be cautious. We gotta catch'em by complete surprise for appropriate reactions.
Wassup man? Happy New Years Eve. I've lived through a lot of these now, dayum.
I'm surprised I haven't received any backlash on that one. It's times like that when I go back and read what I've said I'm 'wtf you said that shit in public?!' I begin questioning myself whether or not I should continue pretending I'm writing to one imaginary person when I put these things together.
That crack head picture is so true, them! Not the thyroid person or the genetically fucked person or the diabetic gene recipient, I mean mufukers who ate their way into the spot. One legged bastards, scoliosis havin folk, blind passenger, Parkinson's sufferers etcetera deserve the blue spots—clinically deserving. Not
someoneeveryone who can 3-point turn on a busy one-way with Chic Filet in one hand and a 44oz Coke in the other.A fully loaded coke, too, not diet or the new Coke Zero, a big ass 44 ouncer and they're suckin on a big ass straw like the kind meth heads drool over, dropping lettuce and onions and whatever other shit they pack on at chic filet all on the floorboard of their handicap placard having vehicle so fuckin fat they can't even use the driver door they gotta crawl back to the side door to exit the thing but let's make the ONE-LEGGED bastard walk extra steps!!!
Nah it doesn't piss me off.
This comment's long like 2020.
Long day and too lazy toncliclnon the contest links to get the full context, but people on phones being filmed at reataurants: yes, do it!! Also, at airports would he amazing and at church. I can tell you how many times I look around amd see people on their phones(also funerals).
Camera man or whoa-man, I bet you could get one on fiverr real cheap. HA!
Hey what's up LiftsLikeALady? This is a pleasant surprise, happy New Year's Eve, did you drunk message me?
💖
It's been a long time since there was a comedy community. With the new living rules this year and last year and the continuing evolvement of sensitive personalities who live at home until they're 30, there's too many jokes to crack and nowhere to crack'em.
Not anymore. 😘 Thank you!
Ha ha ha! I need to proofread especially when texting from my phone late at night. I have been typing ony phone for XX years and still my fingers hit the wrong buttons! Lololol
We need some comedy to relieve tensions from alll the woke cancer that has invaded our culture the last few years! Yes, please!
Hmmmm well yes...understand the issue...camera and stuff...not only responding because I was thinking about this comtest since I got tagged...hear you...why's Pura refusing again lol...and yah, what's up with all those rules...creating a post for #comtest is like real work lol. Happy New Years to the both of you!
Was it me who tagged you? Dammit if it wasn't. I meant to. It's open to everyone, even 86'd dark beer drinkin misfortune teller chicks.
She is not down at all, not even kind of. When we meet up with Hive people in the flesh she's all "oh you thought he was just like this on the platform? No he's this all the time."
Looking forward to your funny. We got'em down to two, community and #comtest.
:wipes palms back and forth:
I am in the process of creating a masterpiece...maybe not lol. I will roll myself some inspiration and then I will start spreading my nonsense. Later gator :)
I'll smoke to that.
Part Duex...
What was Puras RE-action.??
Follow up post in 4... 3... 2...
AND WTF?? No FoTo's...?
Oh never Mind... I just got the point.
NO CAMERA PERSON, NO LIGHT or SOUND TECH...
Da Fuk Ya Doin..?
Amatuers...
It must be the coolest thing they've seen all day. Dinner night out and they can hardly put their phone down to order. It must be awkward for servers nowadays like the hairstylist when I'm :pause: in the middle of getting my hair did.
You ready for this? I'll freestyle the script. We can't have video equipment on display, it's gotta be stealth otherwise they may unwittingly perform if they see it, know what I'm sayin?
That last Gif is so funny.
The Old...
Candid Camera...
I got hours of dumb driver footage.
Oh my, this is hilarious!!
I had been smiling but this cracked me up!! It's true, what do people look at nowadays when they put their phones down?? I can't even wrap my head around that foreign concept.
If you could hear the voice(s) my mind makes up for your posts, you'd hire me as the camerawoman! Yes, it does make sense.
I don't do this very often. I've gone weeks and sometimes months without digging it out. It's just an image design but it's centered at least and I don't go handing it out to just anyone.
Voices. Way back when we were on the other chain I did a piece about it. I wish I could hear the ones you read that in. I haven't thought about other peoples reading voices in way too long, I needed that reminder. Thank you.
Now if you'll excuse me I responded in totally soft, appreciative, make me dig out the compliment image voice and need to get back in huge balls having, strangers don't terrify the shit out of me voice.
💖
I'm humbled. I particularly appreciate the fact that it is centered because I don't think I could have dealt with the opposite. I'm a weirdo, I know. In fact, I'm feeling the urge to actually measure it, but I'll resist. Probably. Maybe. I won't tell if you don't.
That sounds like a very interesting read. Would be nice to be able to dig it out with just a thought! But my hands aren't built for scrolling that far, especially if I don't know exactly what I'm looking for. I'll be content with the voice saying that you wrote about voices. That shall do.
Be my guest! Although if I frown a little I can hear both at the same time. It's pretty awesome. Responding with my whole array of voices to confuse the unwary.
Glad to finally make it back to your post man. These are true treasures to HIVE. Your content makes our chain so valuable! Really do miss you man! I have a couple of things I noticed on this post I want to talk about...
First is this:
It always bothers me seeing cars that are the same make and model, 2008 Ford Focus SES, with California plates. I mean its 100% made in in USA with all parts being of North American origin. Why would anyone from commiefornia take this car to Las Vegas to such an American town where corruption is more of the capitalist variety? Couldn't they at least bring their Ford Escort instead to the Venetian hotel?
Also, did you really do this?...
Considering your LA roots I would not be surprised if you did. You are from LA right?
Happy New Year bro!
Long Beach, correct. It's January already?!
Wassup man? This is a nice surprise, gonna be a great year. I've been working on something other than thank you for I don't know how long now. I've yet to satisfy my need. My point is, that part where you said I make our chain valuable is a reminder I haven't figured out how to say thank you yet.
Not yet I haven't but I'm down! You got a good mic? I have a GoPro that'll work. I'm thinking maybe some spyware on my glasses or something too so now all we're missing is everything else.
👊🏼
I'm in! I need a good stand-up!
Happy New Year, @dandays !
Happy new year! Let's do this. If you thought 21 sucked, wait'll you see 22! Wait, that didn't come out right.
Noooo OMG! It has got to get better. That did come out a little fun, didn't it? :)
I see you going onto real uncharted territory with comedy, you audience is so used to your usual drama 😄
We all know that show would kill it!
That ties for funniest comment. Did you see dude that said he didn't know I liked comedy? LOL You guys are great.
Happy Deuce-Deuce.
When I hear Norman Greenbaum's, Spirit In The Sky, even on the radio, I see that bright ass yellow Ed image
That was where I took my inspiration from, for my comment. I thought this was unintentionally hilarious, like a robot trying to breakdance. So I took it to the next level, that's comedy 101
I wish they would play it in France, that would help them a bit...
Oh nice! Two laugh out loud's to break in #22.
Pura's watching the new season of Cobra Kai or however you spLeL it right now. So I'm doing anything else and now you're probably all "whhaaaatt?! New season???"
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MORE! More comedy! We're almost three days in, bring on the NEW!
First you tell me it's January and now this. You sure are punctual in whatever year it is. Ok, well. Well alright I'll share something with you but if you see it again just pretend it's fresh.
Two dudes exiting as we arrived, young kids. 18'ish all smiley happy high fiving each other n shit :knuckles:
"She's so hot so what do you think, oh dude should I follow her on Instagram? Should I you think or what?"
Oh for sure, follow her now before we get to the car FOR SURE.
"Already you think? Follow her now like now-now?"
Oh yeah dude for sure cuz she'll know and yeah dude.
"Ok ima do it then."
For sure.
"Done!! Dude I totally followed her!"
I cite social mind control influences. Enough said.
That's the most funny painful conversation between two dudes. 😂 I'll pretend it's new if I read it again.