Closing eyes, forcing myself not to. Feeling the cold breeze whispering in my ears. Furskin stands as it feels so good. Soothing myself from the feeling of emptiness because of being tired. Unintentionally, I asked myself why I took this road. I sense regret but I refused to accept it. It's the choice I made and I don't want to blame myself any longer. I know it will just make me more desperate.
I'm not blaming life. I don't condemn anyone who surrounds me. Just the sentiment I have inside after a whole day of being desperate to earn more. Heavy work or light work, gives the same feeling. It's just me who is the problem right now. I'd have a better opportunity and yet I cowardly dodge it. I'm a homeboy. I disliked leaving the place where I grew up because of the thought of giving me loneliness to be far from my loved ones. The weakness I have is that I'm afraid to face it.
My thought is just absurd. Being stupid to be dramatic even though it's my fault. A foolish middle-aged guy that thinks there's no hope left to have a better life than this. Already given up hope that life will stay like this. No matter how hard work I'd make and what dedication I'd put in. The result will not change even though I foolishly deny it; Like a child who forcefully does not accept that a toy can not be bought because of no money to pay.
Now I'm here in an empty place. Looking at the surroundings. Falsely smile when someone I know greeted me with a smile. Doing self-pity just because of being exhausted from working heavy work. Imagine the future I would have if I just followed the white-collar job which was offered in my younger days. I just couldn't help it when my heart disagreed with what my brains told me.
Still, I'm not crying or sad. Just feeling lonely, perhaps it's because my strength is drained. How could I not when I was outside in the street with the sun so bright? Yet, the time and effort I put through were not rewarded with much. You know what I'm talking about, not earning enough despite the hard work I put through. That's why the disappointment told me to feel and show drama. Please understand that this happens when I'm so exhausted.
Thank you for reading
All content is my own unless otherwise noted
If images are being recycled, I just found it fit in my article.
ABOUT ME
Paul is the name but prefers to be called mrnightmare that feels like living in the dream. A country boy and a dreamboy (dreamer) who likes to stay in a small village even though it means abandoning the future to become a seaman. The passion is writing but not sailing in the vast ocean. Don't wonder if the face will not be shown, this is better where the words can flow smoothly. Come, you can tell me your stories and I'll tell you mine. Together, let's explore the world by broadening our thoughts. If you need a shoulder I can lean you mine and I hope I can lean yours. The world is fun when living is not being alone but with someone.
I have come to believe that nothing is as exhausting as ones own thoughts.
Even if we don't work all day but occupy ourselves with some sort of thoughts as the ones you spoke about about in your piece, we definitely become exhausted.
Perhaps, it is safe to say that exhaustion can triggers thoughts of dissatisfaction and thoughts of dissatisfaction can trigger exhaustion.
I understand. At some point, we all go through this. We're not in the same situation, but I feel you. I have regrets, too many disappointments, responsibilities, burdens, lack of confidence, and self-pity overload, but it will pass if we are eager to overcome all of these. It's easy said than done, but if we try and believe in ourselves, then we will and we can.
Take a deep breath, pause, and reflect. It's never too late to start over. It will only be too late if we didn't start.
Praying for healing, strength, and courage.