I saw a snake the other day, I'm ruined. Insert every curse word in every language right here but I'm a big fan of the F one so I'm Fuckin ruined. I've never been that close to a snake in my life, not even at a pet store.

I stepped off the trail onto the stone blanketed riverbank to mirror a shot I got back in March. Some were loose, some were not. Some small, some I had to step over, some I couldn't trust. I pay closer attention to footing than most—have to. When you're on one leg, there's nothing to fall back on. I'm zeroed in on every step like a sniper on the enemy.

Snake!!

_{:insert grand finale firework display of expletives:}

It was MASSIVE. I almost died. I'm not exaggerating!! Thing was a giant, looked like it just ate a whole cow. It was black like night. A big black skull and black face with diamonds carefully woven all the way down its black back and red eyes. We were eye to eye, they were red.

I did a crazy triple axle hybrid Bruce Lee roundhouse and teleported from within striking distance of its blood thirsty fangs to five feet away where I froze.



I watched it uncoil itself for what seemed like forever. Apparently I disturbed it. I never intended to do that. Disturb giant anaconda was pure improv.

It took its sweet ass time too. I think it was amused by my frozen mime-like stature, thing just stared at me. Slithered and stared. More staring than slithering. Over the rocks, up the riverbanks edge and across footpath it went SHIT! Directly toward the car!



Hashtag Worst2Worser. I'm paralyzed on the rocks now. I have only one direction to go, back the way I came. The tree dense shoreline is too thick to cut through preventing my escape to higher ground. One—where they filmed Snakes On A Plane.

I must've stood there 20 minutes. I had at least 7 heart attacks, lost count after 6. I got Pura, @edprivat and my homeboy Josh on my phone, they're all coaching me off the rocks:

You were so scared huh 😱 glad you're ok. Did you get a picture?

A real 🐍? Damn bro you alive! That would've been a great gif for a post.

You're trippin. They're more scared of you than you them pussy.

• No. Are you for real? Of course I did no such thing. I don't know how I'm gonna get back to the car.

• Oh hell yes! I stared into its eyeballs. I don't know how I'm gonna get back to the car.

• Thanks dick. Remind me to never lean on you again. I don't know how I'm gonna get back to the car.

Nice! My Bible app alerted me—can't make this stuff up. iheart great timing. On that note I went for it, back the way I came, high alert's an understatement. I was more aware of my surroundings than a drug mule at a border crossing.

With each step I held my breath so tight I couldn't hear. I hate snakes! It took forever. Every falling leaf, every tide ripple, every everything was a snake. If it moves it's a snake. I made it back to the trail I never should've step foot off of.

I went there to capture three photos. Recently I introduced myself to a hobby called 𝙲𝚘𝚖𝚙𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚛𝚊𝚜𝚝 𝚙𝚑𝚘𝚝𝚘𝚜 𝟼 𝚖𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚑𝚜 𝚊𝚙𝚊𝚛𝚝 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚎𝚊𝚌𝚑 𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛. It works out really nice; the sky and all the different colors under it, clouds to no clouds, water and trying to mimic the same position and angle. Give it a shot, let me know what you think.



That's March, the one I did not get this month. Those are the rocks I frenziedly tap danced across like a fire-walker on hallucinogenics. But I managed to capture the other two and got the hell out of there - March / November.

Ruined. I've since been able to walk on grass again but that day I couldn't. I parked the car on grass that day and had to crawl across the passenger side to get in it.

IC King Park has seen the last of me, I have no business there. There's plenty of parks with paved trails around here for road bikes and charismatic bloggers with a side of condescending and charming at the end.