Why did I write a book about a homeless wanderer? Because I was *kind of* homeless

Since I was a kid, I knew I was going to write. I didn't know exactly what I would write, but I was damn sure I was going to write something that I'd share with the world.

At first I imagined doing it at an old age, but one day, I was trying to find refuge from the cold and kill a few hours while waiting for an event later that evening. I had almost no money to my name, and so a lot of options weren't open to me, so I slipped into a department store and as I rode the unbelievably long escalator from the first floor directly to the 5th or 6th floor, I suddenly felt that it was time to start writing.

I took out my ipad and for the next few hours, I rode up and down that escalator dozens of times and started what would become the second chapter of my short novel series "Confessions of the Damaged".

"Another shadow in another alleyway, he dug through the dumpster looking for food."

A lot of people ask me if this book is autobiographical, and the short answer is no, but the long answer is yes. No, this character has a life story very different from mine, I didn't base his personality entirely off my own, and I didn't imagine myself as him. But there were many overlaps between the character(s) and myself, as I think tends to be the case with writers who have something they want to say.

I was not homeless to the same degree as the nameless protagonist, but there was a period of my life, a few years where I was sleeping on couches and floors and sometimes on park benches. The main difference between this character and myself was that I had access to a credit card, parents to move in with if I wanted to, and even job prospects. I didn't want any of those though.

I knew that I was on the wrong path in society and I needed to re-write a lot of my code, and so I opted for the life of a wanderer. I felt a sickness growing in my heart. It's hard to explain, but I felt like I would become a horrible person if I stayed in the situation I was in and I wanted to heal.

I felt no shame about accepting the kindness of others because I knew that what I was doing was going to make me a better, more passionate and caring person, and someone who was not capable of hurting other people.

And since I felt little shame, and I had a safety net that many people living in the streets don't have, I managed to pass as a traveler, rather than a dangerous nuisance, which is how most people perceive those who live on the streets. My attitude made it easy to find places to stay, people to hang out with, things to do.

Actually, around the same time, I had read a book called "The Man Who Quit Money" and wanted to try living that way. Because this was a choice, I usually refrain from ever saying I was "homeless", but looking back on it, I guess it was a pretty radical choice to make. In the end I also failed to live without money completely so I don't really talk about it as much as I could.

I wanted to see if I could live by following the principles of a gift economy. Give freely and accept freely, do not put a price on your work, don't feel guilty about what you fail to provide so long as you do what you can to contribute to the world. In the end I did use money but all of it was earned in a pay-what-you-want manner.

I didn't buy anything I didn't need, although I feel like a bit of a sham because I never cooked even when I had access to a kitchen. I had many friends who cooked far better than I did, so I'd usually wash the dishes, buy vegetables with whatever I could scrap together or find other ways to contribute to the community.

I helped with a project to raise awareness about a homeless village that was being torn down in order to build a dog park...under a highway. The city's goal was clearly just to scatter these people and erase an eyesore. To them, a few scattered scruffy people was better for their image than a tiny village full of them.

I never had to live on the street with those people, although I did spend some time with them, drank with them and heard their stories (note: none of the stories in my books are theirs, I did not want to profit off anyone else's story as if it were my own). Many of them had lost their jobs during the 2008 crash and once they ran out of money to pay for their apartments and phone service, no one would hire them. Many were immigrants who felt too ashamed to go back to their home country with nothing to show for it, a few had become addicted to substances.

Only one of the hardcore addicts and another guy who was extremely lonely ever made me feel uncomfortable. I always kept a little distance because I didn't want drama, but I never looked down on these people. I knew that a different passport, family background or history and I may have been in an even worse state than any of them.

The whole experience brought up a lot of complicated feelings around work, shame, status, emotional health and empathy. Those feelings are what spurred me to write in the first place The goal was never to write about homelessness, rather to write about being free from societal pressures and free from the grind. The "homeless wanderer" provided a perfect means of doing that.

It also allowed me to put into words my own feelings towards the new experiences I was having. I saw the humanity in these people and I knew that it could happen to anyone. I spent time with the people riding the train to their fancy jobs every day and I had also spent time with people who slept on the sidewalk and I saw little difference between them. "Lazy"? “Crazy”? "Addicts"? You can find those in both worlds.

As I continued writing, the story developed a mind of it's own. Eventually it showed me that I needed to remove myself from the work as much as possible in order to tell the story that wanted to be told, and that that would be a much more powerful story in the end. Now the story asks for things from me, small details of my life that blend with this characters backstory (like the kid in the classroom talking back to his teacher, or rolling in the grass), but this character is meant to be another version of myself but another version of the reader.

I don't know how to end poverty, but I know that seeing other people as humans and as equals at all times is a prerequisite. So while the main purpose of this book is to explore an individuals relationship to life and the universe, I hope it could also serve as a work that sparks a desire to understand others better.

I am not sure why I haven't shared all of this before and I am not sure why I decided to share it now. Someone asked "Why did you decide to write about a homeless person?" I realized I never sat down to think about it and that writing a blog like this might be the best way to figure it out.

There are a lot of metaphysical/spiritual aspects to this story which I could go into but I think I'll save that for a later date.

You can find part 1 and part 2 of the series on Amazon, Apple, Kobo, and many other platforms: Here

Confessions of the Damaged 1.3 is out today: Available on multiple platforms (Kobo works in most areas where Amazon doesn't)