Hey Galen. Great post as per usual. I think many people use this but don't even realize it. Your business suit is the equivalent of my old uniform and well, at that stage I decided to rather look intimidating and carry myself as such and it worked mostly - people wouldn't mess with me as a result. In retrospect and after a LOT of years of inner work, I realized a few years ago that it was a self defense mechanism from being bullied as a kid.

I had way too many earrings when I worked in nature conservation, wore a scowl most of the time which warded off most people. Only a few of them actually got to really know me and realized that I'm quite a softy on the inside.

It enabled me to deal with some of the most awful residents around the reserve that didn't want to listen to a mid twenty year old at the time and a female at that. It is still a mostly male dominated field but I pulled my weight (and threw my back out in doing so a few times) but I worked my ass off to get the job done.

I used this later on with difficult people - but it was wearing a big pair of boots (New Rocks) that made me about 5cm taller - I'm only 1.54cm tall so an extra 5cm makes a difference and I always felt that if anyone was going to start a fight, well they'd have to deal with a really good pair of steel capped boots up their ass. Luckily it didn't come to that, but it helped with the mindset.

I'm totally socially awkward and always have been, I'm okay with it now and I'm owning it. It's better to lay low and feel out the situation while keeping a low profile and I absolutely hate being in the limelight, it makes me extremely anxious and panicky. I had this situation this past week for my daughter's birthday I noticed that I was feeling like I was in everyone's way - IN MY OWN HOUSE and I had to make myself small and make myself useful. Childhood bullshit rearing it's head. I didn't put on my big boots or anything, I just went and made sure that everyone was fed and happy and I knew that it would pass. The one person present had taken the opportunity while I was in an extremely vulnerable situation to tear me down to shreds, verbally attack me and make me feel like a worthless piece of shit, so I tend to become extremely anxious whenever I am anywhere in her vicinity. She is just another bully, she's not the first in my life so it brings up all sorts of fight or flight action. Perhaps next time (if there's a next time) I see her, I should make sure I'm wearing my badass boots and a scowl and walk with an air of intimidation, might make me feel a little taller and kick the feeling that I have to make myself small.

Thanks for prompting the introspection. Your insights are always great :)