War has brought humankind to perpetrate some of the most reprehensible, disgusting and horrendous things and has caused humans to act with heroism, selflessness and kindness as well; that's the dichotomy of war.
It brings out the best and worst in those who step forward to fight and those caught up in war by default, civilians in war-torn areas and the families of those who go to fight. Fortunately, for most people they'll never have to find out what war can do to a person, but some live with it daily and for their entire lives; as they say, the war may end, but for a returning soldier, the fight never does.
Some time ago, I lost another mate to his fight with PTSD.
He ended his life in brutal fashion after a twenty-year battle that raged within himself and [unfortunately] sometimes spilled over to his family and friends. The dichotomy of war followed him home and he experienced the highest of highs and the most terrible of lows because of it, all the while supported by his wife and their son; the government used him and cast him aside. We stuck together though, he was one of my best friends and we had a tight group around us.
We rallied around his wife and son when he left us; she was broken emotionally and financially ruined as is often the case. We were there to support her though, and we have continued to this day.
She's back on her feet now, still a little broken of course, that will never go away, but she's met a new fellow and is in love.
I wrote about that a while back as I didn't know how I felt about it, but I've since interacted with the guy and he is a decent man, treats her well and puts up with my shit, so he's ok by me. I'll be meeting him soon, they're coming down here for a little holiday and I'm really looking forward to it. It'll be good to see her and I can finally loom over that guy as I feel is my responsibility to my mate. I'm just kidding here, he's a good bloke and I'm happy that they're happy.
I think of my buddy a lot though, all of them really, and it makes me sad and happy in equal measure. He was not the sort of person one wanted to mess with, but was one of the nicest people I ever knew. He was a tough son of a bitch, but he genuinely cared about people, probably far too much and certainly to his own detriment, but that was his thing.
I remember when we worked together, I'd always find him working with the younger lads, listening, offering direction, wisdom and helping them grow and develop. One of my best memories of him is that, his compassionate, kind and caring side and the fact that I think he would have jumped on a grenade to save someone else's life. Men like that are rare and he was exactly that type; he was a helper.
I spoke to his wife yesterday and she told me she missed him so much. I get it.
We spoke about life in general and she mentioned the challenges she'd faced, the help she'd received and the paths she'd travelled because of his loss. She's a strong woman. She also spoke about the work she's being doing with veterans and how rewarding she was finding it. She'd not been able to save her husband, but she was saving other guys and gals and I think that's a very selfless act considering the pain she went through herself; her husband would be proud of her, I know this.
Life is often difficult and sometimes beautiful but it's always life, the only one we have and, trust me, it's not as secure as you may think. Things happen, moment to moment, that irrevocably change people's lives forever and much of the time we don't see them coming, or probably even believe it's possible, but it is.
My mate once said to me once, life throws a hand grenade at us now and then and we have choices to make at that time. Pick it up and throw it back, do nothing, or jump on it and accept the consequences. I never forgot it.
We went on to discuss ownership, responsibility, discipline and action, four things we both valued and worked hard to apply.
What he meant with the hand grenade comment was that adversity, hardship, disappointment, fear, failure and other negative things happen to us in life, but we always have the ability to choose how we react to those things and we both believed that applying those things was righteous. He and I are simple folk, we're not rocket-scientist types by any stretch of the imagination, but we learned how to deal with life, in our own way, upheld our personal honour and integrity and sometimes that meant dealing with life-grenades.
When I think of what my mate did to himself, I fully believe he did so thinking he was doing the right thing by his family; he knew what his PTSD was doing to them. I was so mad with him at first but that was wrong of me; He jumped on a grenade and sacrificed his life for them, there is honour in that, or so he would argue. I'm not saying I agree with his decision, that it was right or wrong, but I am saying that he was able to act decisively and according to his own beliefs and I respect him for that.
I'm excited to catch up with is wife and look forward to talking with her, learning more about her work with veterans and celebrating the man that was her husband and one of my best friends. We'll remember him fondly and honour his memory, and both wish he was with us to help us with our life grenades once more.
Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default; tomorrow isn't promised so be humble and kind - galenkp
Any images in this post are my own.
There's a quote from a song by Jon Anderson (Yes) that goes without hope you cannot start the day. In large part I think there is a lot of truth to that. If your buddy really, truly thought the only positive outcome for his family was this path... yeah, I can see that.
I really have no words for you, certainly nothing profound or anything that will make any hurt go away. Mostly this is just to let you know that your own words are read, understood, and appreciated. It's nice that you do what you do for others and that you present such a positive outtake on what can be a difficult world to live in. Thanks for that.
I've been critical of people that use the word hope but don't apply any ownership and the responsibility to act (meaning to do something). Hope without action is pointless. However, you are right, hope exists and has relevance and meaning when used together with other elements. I have hope, a lot actually, but I also take action to make things happen. For me, it works well.
Posts like this are not easy to respond to so I appreciate those who do. I remember who responds to things like this, they stand out in a good way, and it means a great deal. For me, writing things out helps a lot, always has, and so I do so here on the blockchain and other offline places.
You know, I have a tattered old notebook from twenty five years ago full of hand written quotes I've come across and liked, ones that meant something. They are mostly from deep thinkers, writers, people who have experienced difficult things and a lot of historical people and people in general who are far more intelligent than I am. I used to write the quote and a few words or notes about what I felt or what was going on when I wrote the quote and date it. I have the book still, and read it a lot. It's not like that other book full of words that have been twisted warped, (if they were even said at all). It's a book by me...Sure the quotes mostly come from others, but the meanings (my notes) are my own, and it brings me great comfort to have.
There's three quotes in there that this mate who committed suicide would say a lot, one I have written in this post, another I wrote in another post and one that won't see the blockchain because people won't understand. He was a simple man, like me, but those words mean a lot, probably more than a quote from Plato, Euripides, Aristotle, Viktor Frankl and others. It helps to read them sometimes, they make sense and often make me remember something really good about him.
I tell this story because of your words, "present such a positive outtake on what can be a difficult world to live in." It really is difficult, but can be very simple too, like me and my mate. Simple folk. Sometimes, simplicity is exactly what's required and yet people over-complicate things.
I hope that makes sense.
Yes, I understand this very well. I know I'm guilty of it! Sometimes it takes concentration and effort to see the simplicity in the day, and sometimes all it takes is a gentle reminder to focus on what matters to you and what you can control.
You're a pretty well grounded chap, and I can certainly say I wish I had met you twenty years ago when I could have used someone like that! Alas. There's also the Atlantic in the way. Or the Pacific, depending on which way one looks.
I try to be grounded, I guess, and to approach life in a way that breaks it down to the important things which lessens the risk of splitting my focus across too many things, which I think it a problem these days - there's always something shiny to grab our attention and take it away from the simple essence of life.
I often say I'm simple but I am not though, I'm a bloody complicated person that seeks out simple things and solutions. There's a difference.
Thanks for your kind words.
This, so many people, never get to see it like this.
Your brought tears to my eyes @galenkp. I can tell how much you actually saw your friend, really saw him. Sending you love xxxx
Representing oneself as selfless is commonplace these days, I guess people get some feeling of validation from it...being selfless is another matter though.
There was other ways of course, for my mate, but after twenty or so years he could no longer see them and he did what he did. It's sad, but I respect what he did which may probably sound strange. I guess one needs to know the person and understand the situation to truly get it.
He was a good mate and I miss him a lot. I'm in constant communication with his son and will try and fill the role his father would normally, although I could never fill those boots. The lad deserves it though, and he knows I have his best interests at heart.
I'm looking forward to seeing girl though, she's top-notch...and I'm looking forward to looming large over that new fella of hers. (Lol, just joking.)
Thanks for your comment. I know stuff like this isn't easy to find the words for.
I sat here a minute.... just shaking my head. What do you say to something like that, where someone is so hurt in the inside that they have to believe the world is better without them.... at least their family. Sad....
I'm glad his wife has been able to pick up and continue going forward. Of course we all must, but that doesn't mean everyone does.
The world is a crazy place indeed. Crazy good.... crazy bad.
It's pretty tragic to think of. I can't say that was exactly his thought, but knowing him I suspect that he had spun it up in some such way.
His wife is happy now, but there's an undertone of sorrow that only those who have known her for years would recognise. It's sad. She has been through a lot. This new guy makes her happy though, (or I'd have to kill him) and her son is growing to be an exact copy of his dad. He in in the Army too, but just starting out. He's going career, (non-commissioned) and I fear he'll see war as his father did. The cycle begins again.
I understand about not knowing what he was thinking for real. We'd probably all be surprised if we could really know. Maybe things we could never imagine.
There's bound to be a small part of your heart that never gets over it, even when you are able to find joy again in life.
I just posted in a long while and chose this community because of my subject(s) and I saw your grenade and clicked. Such nice words almost an hommage to your friend and friendship and caring for your friend's wife. Integrity comes to mind, not a big surprise in relation to what we know of you from your posts.
Your friend's quote makes you ponder. And there's this
GalenKP in the flesh! I have a feeling the new guy will be looking forward slightly anxiously to the vacay. In a good way, of course.
I remember the previous post you mention. It is nice to see that you genuinely care.
I try to be the best version of myself as often as I can, but I fail a lot.
Some people get a little more of me than others, some deserve it and some just get it by default, (I mean like in work scenarios where I'd not give those people anything if I wasn't doing my job), but either way being my best version, trying to be, is for myself.
I hope that makes sense.
I'll not look over that poor chap, I'd not want to make him cry after all. 😁 Just kidding, he has been really good about this and I'm sure my mates wife has filled him in on the history and he knows what's up. I'll not need to look...and I won't. Much. 🤣😊
Thanks for your kind and nice comments.
This is a really touching post - mostly because I understand the loss that you feel, I get the anguish that you must have gone through when he decided to "tap out" and take the grenade so to speak and I also know that you've been helping his wife and son move through the absolute rollercoaster that ensued afterwards. As much as you speak of him having such dignity and honour, I believe this to be true of you too as you are still helping even after losing him, even though you were angry with him.
It makes me glad to read that you are looking forward to seeing them and meeting the new lad. I can imagine that it's a bit difficult for you considering that your mate is no longer there and it's a tricky relational situation to kind of wrap your head around, but he sounds like a good guy. Ultimately I think that's what your friend would have wanted for his wife and son.
I know that writing about PTSD and the veterans that succumb to it isn't an easy thing to do especially when this has touched you personally. I commend you for having the courage to do so.
I was so angry with him I could have killed him, but the fucker beat me to it. Seriously though, I was very angry, as I have been with others who did the same thing. It's life though, their own, and I don't like diminishing their memory with anger, so I remember who they were and get on with helping who they left behind.
It'll be difficult seeing that new chap, but my mates wife has already addressed that and given me permission to be me and to think what I think. That was her confirming in her mind that I would not do anything to upset her and so will treat him well. Talk about reverse psychology. She knows I'll do the right thing...although just a smidgeon of looming is ok right? I do it so well. Seriously though, he's a good chap (so far) and no object lessons are required. If that changes, the lessons will fall like Thor's hammer.
Yes.
Courage is a funny thing...it seems always to come from fear.
I understand how angry you were (and still probably feel the remnants of it), but it's good to know that you have come to some sort of "peace" with it as there's nothing that you probably could have done to change his mind if that was his decision.
Lol, she does sound good at reverse psychology if she's managed to wangle it like that. I hope you enjoy your visit with them and that you approve of the new chap. Looming is ok, if he's worthy, he'll stand his ground and not be (too) intimidated.
He might know some looming-tactics of his own. Although, I actually have inside information...he's a loomee, not a loomer. It should be easy to dominate.
I know my perspective is necessarily limited as someone who never "served" in the military. I did participate in the Young Marines youth program for a couple years long ago, but my study of current events, history, and psychology is hopefully relevant.
Based on my outside observations, there does seem to be an overall detrimental effect on the mental health of those who are processed through the military system. I firmly believe it is fundamentally only "healthy" for psychopaths and people disinterested in personal responsibility. Despite the rhetoric of "defense," we're really living in the aftermath of European colonialism and arguably ongoing US imperialism. Anyone with a conscience knows the destruction and "collateral damage" of war is criminal, even if they try to justify it as a lesser evil or unavoidable consequence.
Additionally, what I have seen of psychological studies on the matter, the new era of drone warfare and propping up puppet states with long-term occupation really grinds down the soldiers on the front lines. In WW1, "shell-shock" was dismissed by the brass as cowardice and moral failure. My grandfather never really talked about his experiences in WW2, and looking back on what I saw and what my aunts and uncles said, I think there was unaddressed trauma. Even now with PTSD fairly well understood, it is not well handled. There seems to be higher incidence of such trauma in the US drone system when operators see the gap between launching a strike and then seeing kids on thermal/IR just before the blast. If anything, killing is perhaps less traumatic when people are face-to-face and there is a them-or-me choice.
Then there's the vestigial officer/enlisted structure left over from literal feudalism, and a hierarchy which fundamentally demands obedience instead of thought. This may make life easier, but it flies in the face of personal responsibility. We all know the Nuremberg defense doesn't fly, right? Yet as the perpetual war grinds on, people are put in no-win situations where they must obey just to survive, to say nothing of the death they inflict and loss they suffer.
Anyway, hopefully my word salad 2¢ makes sense.
I hear what you're saying here, and have some thoughts but will reserve them for later, maybe a post.
One thing I'll say about this though. It is the responsibility for every soldier, it's actually written in black and white, to obey all lawful orders. That translates to refusing those that are unlawful such as killing children for instance, non-combatants. It's the responsibility of the soldier to do so. Some don't take it though.
It's a all a very complex issue and one that I couldn't do justice to in a few words here, so I won't try.
What I will say though, is that I miss my mate, that he served with honour and distinction and he (and his family) paid a heavy price due to that service and because of the inactivity of the government when he returned to civilian life.
I sometimes suspect the education system is designed to train kids to obey authority instead of questioning it from early childhood. In fact, I know that was the purpose behind the Prussian education model which influenced that of the US.
I also cynically think government sees vets as a burden once they have been used up as enforcers. Disposable people.
It is I think, and has been for a while. I had parents that taught me otherwise, and had experiences that, whilst following along was sort of expected, there was some flexibility, in my role at least. I exercised my freedom to act as I saw fit, within certain parameters of course.
The government comment? Yeah, for sure, they get what they want and then toss the husks aside.
I am sorry about what happened to one of your best friends!
I never thought that there is a positivity about war. I never thought about heroism when this one arises thank you for making me realize that! I will be using this thought in my students!
I understand that war seems negative but in reality there's two sides, (many really) which is why I use the word dichotomy. I guess it's difficult for people to understand unless it's spelled out. I appreciate your kind words and for sharing your thoughts.
I always love your posts! I learn a lot from them. So much wisdom.
Thanks mate, I appreciate it.
The pleasure is mine 🙂
That real-life story moves me to the depths of my foundations Galen, we went through a loss (suicide) in the family with a sister many years ago.
Emotions are “unstoppable”, those that we do not channel healthily are expressed by our body and our mind in the form of symptoms. But just as they are unstoppable, ALL emotions are healthy in principle, what makes them negative or harmful is the mishandling we do of them...elections, sometimes there is professional help, but sometimes it is not enough.
I just know that love will be able to do more than pain and that it is good that your friend met again with herself renewed in joy and strength to get ahead in the face of love and with you for your patience to stay the time that was necessary with respect for the experience of those who suffer and for life, which is what it is, and makes the difference of a good friend.
So many veterans go down this path, largely due to the fact the government casts them aside once they have used them up and offers no, or very cursory, support for the emotional scars they receive through their service. There are a few programs here and there, but not enough and not nearly well-enough funded.
In the USA I have seen them in many programs looking for help and in many cases even sitting in front of big businesses looking for help for all them.
Wars only work for the great controllers of the world with all the profits involved in them, Galen.
War has a profound impact on individuals and society. It tests human strength, resilience, and morality, often exposing both the best and worst aspects of human nature. Those directly involved in war, be it soldiers or civilians, often carry the scars and memories of war with them for the rest of their lives, shaping their perspectives and experiences. War is a complex and often devastating reality of human history, and it's important to remember its impact on individuals and societies.
Thanks for reiterating some of the points I made.
Humankind has been at war with itself for ever, and I don't think that will change. Sure, there's those that say things are getting better, but in reality things are not. It's human nature to kill each other and greed, selfishness, pride and hubris are often the reasons.
🤣
In some posts no comment is necessary, a hug is enough 🤗
Exactly.
The stich of war is very hard to erase.
The blood, the crying, the noise, the fear, the pain the death, as you watch fellow soldiers fall in your very eyes...
It leaves a lasting scar.. 🥺😢
Sometimes we just want to take some or all of this pain from the victims but we can't ... All we can do is to support in other ways we can.
I literally imagine you crying a number of times for your dear friend, sorry for your lost and thanks for supporting his family, although his family is also your family.
War, and its effects upon a person, are horrendous. Some manage to deal with it better than others, but it leaves an indelible mark on everyone that experiences it first hand and those around them also.
You are right!
💯
Dam what a strong situation... it is really horrible what war does to people's man ... it is really sad that he couldn't be at peace even after the war... that's rude man , I'm sorry for your loss
Peace is rarely something a veteran experiences, and yet they stand up and put themselves in harms way to provide it for those who cannot or will not take that responsibility for themselves. They should be better supported, but soldiers are expendable.
Thanks for your comment.
I am sorry to hear about your loss. My husband served as well and he doesn't want to talk about that time, so I cannot even imagine what he saw or felt there, but I'm sure that it keeps hunting him from time to time.
I believe that we can try to help people with PTSD but we can never fully understand them and what they are going through. I've heard of many people taking their lives and it makes me think of their families and what they are going through. As you said, they probably do it as they think it's the best for their loved ones, but is it really so? This is difficult (rather impossible) to judge.
I'm glad to hear that his wife found a new love and that you also like him 🙂
Have a nice catch up with her!
Hey, I'm really sorry but I seem to have missed this comment. I get so many, sometimes one slips by.
Only those that have been there really understand and the sad thing is, they can't often help themselves and haver to turn to those who don't understand. It's a terrible cycle that often leads to them not having any help at all.
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